And damn the sexy way he stood there and the way my heart pinched in longing and the way my stomach dropped to my toes just because I was finally seeing what had been in front of me for so long and now it was officially out of my reach.
I didn’t know if Levi had ever loved me, but he had obviously had feelings for me. And that should have been enough for me once upon a time. I should have been honest with myself and the feelings I had for him in return and let it happen between us naturally.
Instead, I’d sabotaged whatever there could have been when I slept with Logan. I’d sacrificed real happiness for a chance to get out of this town. And that had miserably backfired in my face.
The frustrating thing was, now that I had some fucking perspective, I could admit that leaving Clark City and moving out of the trailer park and finding a life for myself elsewhere did not necessarily guarantee happiness.
Happiness wasn’t even a goal worth pursuing. Happiness was fleeting… fickle… temporary. Happiness was a waste of time.
What I really should have been chasing was joy. Joy didn’t come and go. Joy didn’t disappear or reappear depending on my circumstances. Joy was a rock-solid foundation with which to build my life.
And I’d somehow done that despite my unplanned pregnancy and squashed plans. I’d somehow found it in the very place I was so desperate to escape.
I’d built a beautiful life for myself right here in Clark City, in the same run-down trailer I’d grown up in. I’d found someone to love and protect and a job I was proud to work and things weren’t easy, but they were good.
A strange peace settled over me at the realization I liked my life. It was an odd and foreign feeling and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I had been so used to hating everything about this city and my childhood that I wasn’t sure I knew how to shed those feelings.
Levi’s eyebrows raised, daring me to leave the car. I had to suppress a smile. Maybe he’d never have feelings for me again. Maybe it was too weird that I’d slept with his brother and my son was his nephew and we would never finish what we started all those years ago. Maybe just having him in my life permanently would have to be enough.
More feelings I didn’t know what to do with. More warring emotions. More uncertainty. And yet if life had taught me anything on this bumpy, twisting, surprising journey, it was that I could handle whatever it threw my way. I could be brave enough for this dinner and this awkward conversation and the tenuous road Max and I had ahead of us.
Not everything would go as planned. But everything would eventually work out.
“Okay,” I told Coco, not sure if she was even still hanging out on the other end. “I’m ready.”
“Just be yourself, Ruby,” she added as her final piece of advice. “You’re amazing. There’s nothing not to love. I know I sure love you.”
My heart slowed its frantic pace at the sound of her full forgiveness. “I love you too, Co.”
“Knock ‘em dead, babe.”
We hung up and I turned around to face my son. He looked as nervous as I felt. “You ready for this?”
“I don’t know…” he mumbled quietly, his tongue poking between the empty space where teeth were reluctant to grow.
“They can’t wait to get to know you,” I promised him. “They’re so excited to finally meet you.” He glanced out the window to where Levi still stood, waiting for us. “Plus, Levi’s here. If things get too boring, make him play with you.”
He brightened at that suggestion and finally reached for the door handle. We stepped out of the Corolla, our shoes crunching the gravel beneath our feet. By the time Max had walked around the back of the car, his black Chucks were white with dust.
Farm life.
I grabbed his hand, more for my moral support than his, and we walked up the steps to face Thanksgiving dinner with the Coles.
“Hey,” I said to Levi as we passed him.
“Hey, Max,” he said with a smile, ignoring me completely.
“Levi!” Max threw himself at the larger man, wrapping his arms around his legs. I’d seen him hug Coco and Emilia like this a hundred times, even Rosie got hugs this enthusiastically, but it was strange to see him so affectionate with Levi. It did things to my insides that I wasn’t totally comfortable with. Like make them warm and gooey.
Of course the second Levi was totally off the table I would want him. Cue epic eye roll.
“Whoa,” Levi laughed, taking a step back to keep his balance.
“Are you really my uncle?” Max asked, sounding beyond excited at the prospect.
Levi’s sharp gaze cut to mine. I maybe should have warned him that I’d told Max. Oops.
When Levi looked back at my son, his gaze was soft again, open. My throat dried out and my heart started pounding again when his eyes watered unexpectedly. “Yeah, buddy. You’re my older brother’s son,” he explained with a broken voice. “That makes me your uncle and you’re my nephew.” He sniffled, holding back the emotions I could see pounding at his intent gaze and tight mouth and I had to look away. It was too much. It was too hard.
