“I just had two drinks. And that was at least an hour ago. I’m fine.”
“When can I see—”
“I’m sorry, Levi. I need to go.”
He took a step back, finally getting the hint. “Sure. Fine.” I felt him shut down like it was a physical thing, like a wall had slammed between us, an invisible wall seven years high and a lifetime of being at each other’s throats wide.
I peered at him through the darkness in the hall, trying to figure out if this moment would cause irreparable damage. If this was the time I finally ruined whatever there was between us for good. I felt cold and hollow, broken and wrong. There was something damaged inside of me, something that wouldn’t let good things happen.
Levi and I could have happened once upon a time, but I’d been too focused on telling him no, on not letting anything slow me down from leaving this town. And so I’d sabotaged whatever good thing was between us in the worst way possible.
And even though it gave me Max, it had ruined so many other things.
“Why do you keep bothering me?” I’d asked him once during our senior year.
“I don’t know how to leave you alone,” he’d said. Then he’d asked, “Do you want me to leave you alone?”
I had turned my head, so he couldn’t see my eyes and whispered, “I don’t know how to want that either.”
I still didn’t know. I still couldn’t let him just be, just find happiness with someone else. The same poisonous thing that got in my way, would eventually ruin him too. If I didn’t cut the tether between us, he would meet the monster that always destroyed.
My body turned cold with dread as I looked at him now, defenses raised, prepared for battle. “I’ll see you later,” I told him.
“Maybe,” was his reply.
I pushed through the back door and ran through the gravel parking lot to my Corolla. I sped home, desperate to get back to my side of town, to what I knew and expected and had resigned myself to.
I pulled into Meadowbrooks, the life I had built for myself. I could leave the trailer park and pretend I belonged in normal society, but the truth was this would always be my home. I would always be the daughter of a strip club manager, the single mom struggling to make ends meet, the girl from the trailer park.
Max had fallen asleep on my bed and I was thankful my mom had let him. He looked like a little cherub with his unruly dark hair and his glasses placed carefully on the nightstand.
After changing into yoga pants and a tank top and washing my face clean of all the makeup I had been so excited to wear, I curled up next to him and pressed my nose onto his pillow. A minute later it was soaking wet from my tears.
Max stirred, partially waking up at the sound of my stifled sobbing.
“Mommy?” he mumbled with his sleep-roughened voice.
“I’m right here,” I told him, thankful for the excuse to pull him into my arms. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Are you okay?” he asked groggily.
“I just missed you. I’m glad to be home.” True statements.
He snuggled closer, rubbing his hand on my back. “It’s going to be okay, mommy,” he promised. “Whatever made you sad is going to be okay.”
I should have just let it be. He didn’t even really know what he was saying and at six he could hardly give me solid life advice. But instead, I sniffled another sob and asked, “How do you know?”
He blinked up at me, sudden clarity brightening his green, green eyes. “Because you’re the bravest person I know. You can do anything.”
He fell back asleep just a minute later and I clung to him and his words and the promise that things would feel better in the morning.
15
Gossip Girls
Ileft work early so I could help setup for Max’s Halloween party while the kids were at recess. Rosie had been happy to let me go, even though it meant she would have to cover for me.
Rosie was good about letting me take time off for Max, but it was a privilege I didn’t want to abuse. I missed a lot of his field trips and extracurricular things in case I needed to take time off if he was sick or heaven forbid, I got sick.
