WhenI hesitated to reply, he sent another one.Comeon, Swift. Play hooky with me… Promise we’ll have fun.
Ihad tried not to smile as I paced my apartment Sunday night and contemplatedhow to answer him. God, I was smitten with Wyatt. Completely head over heels.Maybe it had always been simmering underneath the surface. The way he wouldtease me. The way I would challenge him. How I always felt his eyes on me. HowI always knew where he was. But, God, I was so stubborn. So obnoxiouslypigheaded. I don’t think I would have done anything with my crush had Wyatt notkicked down my walls of resistance for me.
Andit was embarrassing to think about it now, how messed up one relationship hadmade me. It was so long ago and yet I was still carrying around the fear that Iwouldn’t be good enough. That there was something in me that would inevitablypush Wyatt away.
Ridiculous,right?
Thefear was still there though. Still burbling inside me like an accidentalnuclear waste spill. I wanted to get rid of it so badly. I wanted to cleanse mybody of the toxins. But even if I did the hard work and cleaned it up, there wouldalways be trace particles lingering in the air, hiding in buried places withinme, leaking forever into my confidence and self-esteem.
I wastired of the way my personality split in two, this frustrating dichotomy alwaysat war within me. I could protect my heart and be open to new relationships. Icould also hide and shrink away, terrified of change. I could be kind andconsiderate and also guarded and careful. I could snarl, act a raging bitch,but still remain loyal to my friends and generous whenever I wanted to be.
Maybeit wasn’t only me. Maybe all humans had these battling personality traits.Endless characteristics that didn’t always match up, but always made sense inlight of who we were.
Wewere complicated and intricate, made up of a billion different experiences thathave shaped and molded us to who we are. For better or worse.
Thatwas how I felt now. Both better and worse. Both completely confident in myskills in the kitchen and terrified that I wouldn’t be enough for Ezra, or thathis taste would be outside the realm I could cook in.
Ione hundred percent loved my parents. I was grateful for all that they had donefor me and the way they tried to support me and loved me, even though I wasn’tliving the life they wanted me to be living. I was also totally frustrated withthem and felt as though I’d earned some distance. Mostly from my mom.
Andmore importantly, I was falling for Wyatt. Hard and fast and irrevocably. Andhere I was, still trying to protect my stupid heart, still trying to quicklybuild defenses from the rubble inside me that could save me from the inevitableheartbreak.
Ididn’t want to find out I wasn’t good enough for Wyatt.
Ididn’t want for things to fall apart if I left Lilou because we wouldn’t seeeach other all the time and there wasn’t enough substance there to keep ustogether.
Ididn’t want Wyatt to give up on us because I wasn’t worth pursuing.
I’dalready had that relationship. And it had killed me. Damaged me. Left me asthis skeptical, paranoid person that couldn’t even try at relationshipsanymore. I couldn’t go through that again.
Buta date couldn’t hurt, right?
Myheart thumped twice. Yes. Do it.
Mybrain gave a weak, common sense protest, but my fingers were already typing.How early do I have to get up?
Iswear I could feel his smile all the way through the phone.Eight-thirty. It’s worth it. I know thebest little place.
Noteven his early choice for breakfast could turn me off to the idea. Still Icouldn’t help but give him a hard time. It was too ingrained in me. Besides, Iknew he liked it.Okay, fine. I’ll meetyou there. Where is it?
Been waiting to do this for along time, Kaya. I’m glad you said yes.
Myheart had exploded with butterflies. I’d collapsed on my couch in a fit ofold-fashioned heart palpitations.
Butnow as I pulled up to the address he gave me, I was second guessing my choice.This wasn’t a restaurant, but a house. Possibly the scene of a murder. Or myfuture murder. Not that the house was scary. It was the opposite.
Theperfect square of a ranch had a detached garage, the door opened to show off abig, black muscle car with the hood popped open and tools laid neatly in rowson one of those manly workbench things. He drove an Acura to work and I didn’tknow anything about it other than it was fast. This one seemed to be along thesame vein.
TheAcura was parked in the second bay. Leading me to believe that this was notonly Wyatt’s house, but he had a thing for fast cars.
Itried to pass a snotty little judgment on him, as was my way. But I couldn’tcome up with anything. It wasn’t stupid that Wyatt liked fast cars. It somehowfit perfectly in line with his personality. It wasn’t such a surprise to findthat out as it was an obvious addition to all of the facts and truths I alreadyknew about him.
Filingit away, I tried to talk myself out of imagining him driving the sleek musclecar with the white racing stripe down the center. But it was too late. I’dalready imagined him. And I already found it unbearably sexy.
Therewas that.
Thehouse itself was completely isolated and perched on a bluff. Tall, toweringtrees surrounded the property and left little grass to be found. Instead, pineneedles lay in a blanket of brown, only interrupted by the occasional bush orshrub.
Acozy wraparound porch made the walk up to the front door especially inviting. Icould tell immediately that Wyatt took pride in his home. The walkway and porchwere both swept of the relentless pine needles. The shutters looked niceframing the large windows. And there was even a porch swing hanging from theceiling.
