The kids all nodded.
Ben continued, after taking a deep breath, “Is it easy for you to love both your mom and your dad? Even though one is here and one isn’t, you can still love both of them, right?”
The kids nodded again. “Yes,” Abby said.
“That’s how your mom feels. She loves your dad very, very much. But she also loves me. And even though your dad is gone now, she will never stop loving him. She just also loves me now. We don’t have to limit how many people we love. Our hearts make room for as many people as we want to let in.”
My chest fluttered with his words. He had explained that perfectly to my kids. They all understood what he meant and accepted his explanation easily.
Even I found it easy to agree when he put it like that. I didn’t want to accept that it could be so simple; my heart protested that he was wrong, but I couldn’t come up with an argument to prove it.
“So are you going to move in with us or not?” Abby looked seriously at Ben, apparently back to business.
Ben looked to me. He watched my frightened expression and measured my obvious panic. Then he ignored all of the hot mess that I was and turned back to my daughter and said, “One day.”
“Soon?” she said.
“If I get my way,” he told her.
It was a miracle that I got through the rest of dinner. I simmered with frustration and anger. I wanted to kick him out of my house and deal with him later. But for the sake of my kids, I struggled through the rest of the night.
Ben stuck around after dinner and helped put the kids to bed. He had to know I was pissed at him, but he didn’t seem to care.At least not enough to leave without me telling him he needed to.
I gave the kids extra-long hugs and kisses, escaping to their bedrooms so I could avoid Ben for as long as possible. He’d moved back downstairs after they brushed their teeth, so I had a few minutes before I needed to face him.
I went to Blake’s room last because it was closest to the stairs. I found him lying on his back with both hands tucked beneath his head. He was staring up at the ceiling deep in thought. It wasn’t until I sat down next to him, that he looked over at me.
“Do you really still love dad?” he asked quietly. His green eyes held tears that hadn’t fallen yet.
“Yes,” I promised him immediately.“More than anything else.”
“Is Ben really going to move in with us?”
“No!” I rushed to assure him. “No, he’s not. Ben is going to stay in his house and we are going to stay in ours.”
He tilted his head to look at me. Somehow he’d gone through third grade, turned nine, been an all-star on his soccer team and become the man of the house all over the last year. He wasn’t my little baby boy anymore. He had matured. He had become a kid that made me so very proud. He’d become a kid that would have made his dad proud.
“It would be okay with me, Mom.If he moved in.”
Blake’s words shook me to my very core. “He’s not, Blake. Please don’t worry about it. It’s not happening. He’s not going to move in.”
“Okay.” His gaze moved back to his ceiling and I could see the disappointment written all over his body.
Great.
I kissed his forehead and turned off his lamp. I stopped feeling angry with Ben. Instead, I felt something incredibly more difficult. The truth of what I needed to do.
The weight of my relationship with Ben pressed down on me and threatened to crush me. I missed Grady with a fierce ache that fractured my heart and soul. I couldn’t have both of these men.
I couldn’t have either of them.
I walked downstairs and found Ben lounging on the sectional. He was stretched out, flipping through the channels with one hand propped behind his head.
The image of him reminded me so strongly of Grady that my knees nearly buckled.
His eyes lifted to mine as soon as he saw me. A playful smile danced on his lips and his fingers twirled the remote casually.
This man should never have fallen in love with me. I was only going to destroy him.
