And then he ravished me, right there on the cold tile of the entryway.
Just kidding.Then one of my children screamed bloody murder from the top of the stairs.
“I have to go check on her.” He took a step back and nodded. “Wait for me?”
His entire body relaxed. I watched him turn from carved stone to a man that could slay me with one of his heated looks. His shoulders relaxed and his limbs became tensile and familiar. “I’ll wait,” he promised on a low rumble.
I shivered and tried to ignore the fluttering feeling that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Turning from him quickly, I raced up the stairs to check on Lucy.
She turned to face me when I flipped the hallway light on. Her little arms lifted, begging for a hug.
I scooped her up in my arms and pressed a kiss to her sweaty forehead. “Did you have a nightmare?”
She nodded against my cheek. “I miss my daddy!” she cried. “I want him to come home! I want my daddy!”
I tried to swallow against the lump in my throat. I had no words for this little one. I had no hope or promises to offer. All I could do was hold her tightly to my chest and cry with her.
I closed my eyes and snuggled back against her headboard. She changed positions and threw herself over me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I want my daddy!” she continued to wail. “I want him to come home to me!”
“Shh,” I sung against her forehead.“Shh,Luce.”
“Mommy,where is he? Where did he go?”
“Lucy, you know where he went. You know this.”
She shook her head roughly against mine. “No.”
My sweet, sensitive Lucy.She had waited for Grady to come back for so long. But she had turned five over the winter and with that little bit of added maturity, reality had settled in. It was like grieving all over again as she slowly accepted the truth that her daddy was gone forever.
She ended up in my bed most nights now. Sometimes she had these awful nightmares and sometimes she woke up already in tears. I hated that she had to go through this again. I hated that my littleLucehad to come to understand that her daddy was gone forever.
“Tell me where your daddy is, Lucy Kate,” I coaxed.
She continued to shake her head, her hair getting tangled in her tears. “In heaven,” she hiccupped. “He’s in h-h-h-heaven.”
“And is he ever coming back?”
Lucy cried harder, but we’d gone through this enough times by now that she did know the answer, “No!”
“But,Luce, does he still love us?Even though he’s way up in heaven?”My voice trembled and my tears mingled with hers. I hugged her tighter to me, needing her comfort as much as she needed mine.
“I don’t know,” she sniffled.
My chest ached as I rubbed her back and tried to force the words from my mouth, “He does, Lucy. He loves you so very much.”
“Then why did he leave?” she hiccupped.
“Oh, baby girl. He wanted to stay.So badly.But he got sick. And the doctor’s couldn’t make him better. He tried so very hard to stay with us. He did everything that he could.” Lucy cried harder as I rocked her gently.
Ben’s tall frame darkened the door. I didn’t look at him for a very long time. This had to be extremely awkward for him. He had just convinced me to date him and then he had to find me with one of my children, crying over my dead husband.
He walked over and sat at the end of the bed, jolting me out of my fear. He watched Lucy and me with a beautiful intensity. His furrowed brows and concerned frown tugged at my heart.
I had expected him to tell me that he was going to take off. I thought he would look at the two of us and be repulsed. If the child in my arms and the responsibility she represented wasn’t enough to scare him away, then it would have to be my tears. I was a wreck and I couldn’t make it stop or pretend like I had it together.
Yet, his hand squeezed my knee and settled there to offer some comfort. He didn’t run at the first sign of difficulty, he jumped in and held tight.
And somehow he managed to give me courage that I didn’t know I could find and he settled my spirit in a way I didn’t know was possible.
