I was just me. A widow struggling to keep them bathed and clothed.
And you know what? It worked for us. We survived a year without Grady.A whole year.Maybe it wasn’t pretty. Maybe our lives weren’t tied up perfectly with bows. But we still loved each other. And we were still alive.
There were dark times over the last year, but it hadn’t been all darkness. There were days I never thought I would live through and moments when I was convinced that it was the end of us. But we’d pushed through and we’d kept on living.
Best of all, it wasn’t all depression and hard times.
Somehow, we hadn’t just managed to go on living, but we’d managed to smile through some of it too. Our hearts hurt and our souls ached, but there was plenty of love and happiness left for us.
I pushed my blonde hair back from my face and made a mental note to make a hair appointment. The lines near my eyes were definitely more pronounced and my youthful complexion wasn’t so youthful anymore.
At almost thirty-three-years-old, I could say that I was happy with how I’d aged. I hadn’t found much time to run through the winter. I hoped to remedy that this spring. Still, I was in better shape than I ever had been before.
What mattered most to me about looking at myself for so long was that I could finally recognize some of what Ben saw inme.
I knew Grady loved me. I knew without a doubt he thought I was sexy. He told me I was beautiful nearly every day. But he had been married to me. We had spent ten years together. At some point he had made a conscious decision to see me that way and to continue seeing me that way. I had no doubt that he believed all of those things, but part of that was because he never looked any other direction. I was it for him, just like he was the end all, be all for me.
Ben had started as a complete stranger with absolutely no obligation to me. Our relationship had developed into a strong friendship and I was happy with that. Although, I knew he wanted more. He had told me so more than once.
I thought it might be awkward between us after he asked me out and I turned him down. I shouldn’t have ever worried.
Ben would never let something as little asrejection standin the way of our relationship. Not even more rejection. He’d continued to ask me out as another month passed.
He was never forceful about it. He had this gentle way about it that always made me feel comfortable enough to say no. And I always said no.
I should have ended things with him in every way. I didn’t want to lead him on. I cared too much for him to play games with him.
But I was also too selfish to let him go and he seemed in no hurry to escape me. He meant more to me than nearly anyone else. And if I was honest with myself, I knew I had feelings for him.
I just could never explore them.
I still loved my husband as fiercely as the day he died. It wouldn’t be fair to Grady, my kids or Ben for me to say yes. Besides, I knew Ben and I would not last long after a first date. Where could that possibly go? Marriage was out of the question. A long term relationship was out of the question. Sex was so far out of the question it made me laugh, and then seize up in fear and anxiety immediately after.
We had no future as a couple.
I didn’t want to mess up our friendship. It was too important to me.
I decided to keep the kids home from school today. It was a Tuesday, so the rest of the world went on as normal. I just couldn’t make them go.
Our world had stopped being normal a year ago.
No, longer than that. After Grady’s first diagnosis, things took an abrupt turn into the abnormal. And we’d pretty much set down roots there.
I got dressed and put on some light makeup. I made my way downstairs in a still quiet house and went about making breakfast.
The kids trickled into the kitchen, sleepy-eyed and tussled. I loved this picture of them. I loved their sleep-rumpled pajamas and lazy smiles. I loved that they walked straight to me and wrapped their arms around me as soon as they saw me, as if the very first thing they needed every day was my touch.
I kissed their wild hair and turned on some cartoons so I could focus on a great big breakfast of pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs and pre-made cinnamon rolls.
This day was going to be tough no matter how it went; I figured we should start off by glutting ourselves.
We ate quietly, except forJace, who didn’t understand the significance of this day. He was just excited to have his siblings all home with him.
After breakfast, I bathed them and dressed them in nice clothes with bows for the girls and shiny shoes for the boys. And then I took them back downstairs and I gave them each a present.
I gave them all something of Grady’s.
I gave Blake his daddy’s basketball. Grady would often play Saturday morning ball with his guy friends at the local Y. He kept it in a gym bag in our closet and I hadn’t touched it until I thought about giving it to Blake. It smelled like leather and sweat. It smelled like Grady when he would come home after a few hours of playing, dripping wet and exhausted, but alive with an energy he only found with good friends and hard play.
