On and on the memories went. We couldn’t seem to stop. Everyone had a great memory of Grady, even my parents.
By the time we opened presents, we all had to dry our eyes, but there were smiles on our faces.
I hadn’t remembered Grady like this yet. Whenever I thought about him over the last several months, I had been too racked with grief to let my thoughts be good ones. And I couldn’t remember a time when any of us had spoken so openly about him, remembering the great man that he was instead of the man we all wished was still alive.
My kids smiled and laughed and screamed for joy while they opened presents. Most of the gifts were still hidden away in my closet, bought online and shipped straight to my house. All of the years before, Grady and I had made special shopping dates to pick out presents for the kids.
This year I had nearly given up before I even started. I was too overwhelmed with the responsibility of making this holiday happy for my kids. I hadn’t felt the desire to celebrate anything.
But just like all the years before, it was never me that made this holiday special. It was Grady. It was always Grady. Even in death he put smiles on our faces andlovein our hearts.
This holiday was especially hard because he wasn’t here to celebrate with us and yet, we could make it through today and tomorrow and all the days after because of the memories he had given us that would stay with us forever.
I closed my eyes, completely overcome with devotion for a man I would love forever and beyond. Thinking about Ben in this same context seemed silly. How could any man compare to the husband I’d loved and lost? How could I even entertain those ridiculous feelings? They were so incomparable to what I felt for Grady.
After presents and more cheesecake, my parents took my kids upstairs to help them get ready for bed and I walked Katherine and Trevor to the door. Trevor threw his arms around me and squeezed me in a tight hug before hurrying to the car to warm it up for his mom.
“That was really a lovely evening,” Katherine told me as she put her coat and gloves on. “I have been dreading today for so long, I just… I never expected to enjoy it so much.”
“I know exactly what you mean. What are your plans for tomorrow?”
She hesitated with her hand on the frosted screen door. “Trevor is going to come over in the morning and then we’ll go to my brother’s house. Clay has five children of his own and sixteen grandchildren. It should be busy enough to keep us entertained.”
“Thank you for spending tonight with us, Katherine. I know things have been strained lately… I just wanted to apologize for my behavior on Thanksgiving. I should never have said those things to Trevor. And I feel terrible for ruining your meal and-”
“Liz, please don’t bother apologizing to me.” Her gloved hand landed on my shoulder. I lifted my eyes to meet hers wet with new tears. “I know how hard it is now that Grady is gone and I know how frustrated you must be with my son’s behavior. But do you know what I saw on Thanksgiving?”
I shook my head; I couldn’t even imagine what she saw. A woman crazed with grief?A hot mess that should seriously consider therapy?I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.
“I saw you treat Trevor like family. And even though you were furious with him, I saw that you still love him. He doesn’t have Grady anymore, but he still has you.”
“Katherine, of course.You are my family still, even if Grady isn’t here to legally tie us together.”
She smiled warmly at me. “When my husband died… well, I didn’t see much of his family after that. We all got too busy or moved on or I don’t know what, but it hurt me that his parents didn’t reach out more or spend time with their grandchildren. Now, I can see that they were probably too torn apart by their own grief. Besides, my boys had been much older. They were teenagers and difficult to connect with. I suppose I’ve been waiting for you to pull back too.” She cupped my face affectionately. “I couldn’t bear it, Liz. The idea of not just losing Grady, but you and the kids is too much for me. So, yes, please yell at Trevor as often as you’d like. Ruin as many holidays as you want to. Just don’t shut us out of your lives, please.”
I threw my arms around her and hugged her tightly. “I won’t,” I promised. “You are my family. Grady brought us together, but I’m going to keep us together.”
We hugged each other for a couple long minutes and then separated ways. It was easier tonight than it had been in the past. We were both hurting, but she was right, we were family too. And we would help each other get through this together.
Chapter Sixteen
By lunchtime the next day, I had thrown away at least three thousand feet of wrapping paper, dealt with approximately six hundred batteries and cried too many times to count. But we survived Christmas morning.
It helped that my parents and Emma had come to share the holiday. I didn’t think I could do this without them.
My kids endured a large part of their grief last night and the excitement of Christmas morning overrode their sadness, for which I was eternally grateful.
The morning had been insanity, as usual. But things had quieted down now that we’d enjoyed a great Christmas morning brunch and they all had brand new presents to occupy their time.
I finished up the dishes and then checked my phone for the first time all day. I had bunches of texts from various relatives wishing me happy holidays, but one stood out above all others, a text from Ben.
Merry Christmas.He had texted about an hour ago.
Merry Christmas to you too.Hope you had a great morning!I wrote back.
I moved to the couch in front of the tree and tucked my feet underneath me. There were lots of things I should be doing, but I couldn’t find the motivation. And this time it wasn’t because grief had weighted me down.
For the first time in a long time, my children were happily occupied and I had a couple minutes to myself in my own home. I decided to take full advantage and enjoy this quiet moment in front of my beautiful tree before I had to take it all down.
