When was the last time I’d done this?
When was the last time I’d just let go of all of my grief, my pain, and my stress and just enjoyed being with my children?
I was ashamed to admit, I couldn’t remember. Even before Grady died, he’d been sick. I had been coiled tight for as long as I could remember. My lungs felt coated with rust and disuse as I tried to let go of the nagging feeling that I should be doing somethingelse, thatI should be working in some way.
It took several minutes of mental struggle before I could fully relax into this time with the kids. Even they seemed a little baffled that I had stopped what I was doing to play with them.
As soon as the grief ebbed away, guilt filled in the space. If it wasn’t one thing, it was the other. I couldn’t seem to find normal. Or balance. Or center. I was a battered ship in the middle of a perfect storm. I rocked one way, only to be flipped around and tossed in the other direction.
The basketball game resumed and the children’s laughter and smiling faces helped ease the guilt eventually. I hadn’t been good at this recently, but it wasn’t too late. I could start trying to do this more often.
I was the only parent these kids had now, would ever have now. If I didn’t do this right, they would never forgive me.
I would never forgive myself.
“Mom, who’s that guy mowing our yard?” Blake held the basketball propped against his hip. I smiled at the way he watched Ben. It was hard to believe that my Blake was the man of the house now. At eight years old, he was hardly a grownup, but he took his role very seriously.
I ruffled his hair and pulled him against me. Man of the house or not, he was still young enough to wrap his arms around my waist and not push me away.
“That’s our new neighbor. His name is Ben.”
“He’s the guy with the pool?”
I looked down into my son’s mossy green eyes and tried not to burst into tears. He looked so much like his dad, right down to the smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose.
“He is the guy with the pool. He promised to lock his gate from now on, but you help me keep an eye on the other kids, yeah?”
Blake looked back at his siblings who had all moved on to other outdoor activities. Lucy was pushingJacein the umbrella stroller and Abby had pulled out her scooter. “Helmet, Abs!”
She rolled her eyes, but didn’t argue. That was progress.
“Yeah, Mom,” Blake agreed. “But Abby will probably figure out a way to climb the fence.”
I tried not to smile; he was too smart for his own good. “Just tell me if she does, okay?”
“Okay.” He dropped his arm and started dribbling the ball while watching Ben make progress across our yard. I could see the distrust in his expression and the tension in his shoulders. Blake had never liked strangers; he’d always been the shiest of my children. But this was different, I could feel the slight animosity he felt for Ben Tyler. I didn’t necessarily blame him because I often had those same types of feelings, but I didn’t like it on Blake.
“Oh, and Blake?” He looked over at me, his shoulders still rigid. “He said we could use his pool any time we wanted.”
He instantly relaxed and his face lit up with a new brightness, a light, like he was shining from the inside out. I loved it when my kids smiled like that. It happened so little these days.
“For real?”
“For real.”
“Today?”
“Probably not today. I can’t take you all swimming by myself. We’ll have to wait until Auntie Emma can come with us.”
Some of that beautiful light dimmed in Blake’s face, but he stayed easy and cool. “Okay.”
I stepped out of the way so he could go back to shooting hoops. Abby still struggled to snap her helmet, so I stepped around the stroller andJaceand went to help her.
We spent the rest of the morning in the driveway, riding various bikes and scooters, playing catch and laughing. It was the most relaxing morning we’d had in a very long time. And all the while the sound of the mower kept us company.
Eventually Ben moved to the back yard. He disappeared from sight, but we could hear him the whole time. The sound was shockingly comforting. After being on my own for six months, I was pretty confident I would never get the hang of it. There were just too many things to do, too many responsibilities to juggle.
Ben stepped in when I desperately needed help and that meant more to me than I could share with him. I wondered where all of this gratitude was coming from. I’d never felt like this when the college kid mowed our yard…
