“Stop!” I demanded. He was being sweet again, and it was confusing me. With a softer, more desperate tone I whispered. “Stop, Fin. Please, let me say what I have to say without interrupting me.”
He cocked his head back, surprised by my supplication. “Alright,” he cleared his throat nervously, “talk.”
“I can’t work for you anymore-“
“I know that, I was actually going to-“
“Fin, please,” I begged. “This is hard enough, please let me get this out.” He snapped his mouth shut, his rich brown eyes flashing black with emotion, but eventually he nodded. “I can’t work for you anymore and I can’t keep letting what’s happening between us to continue. I know that you need this money, and I know you have to help Declan. I’m still going to pay you back; I will do what I can. But I can’t keep doing this to myself when I know the money is always going to stand in our way.”
“Ellie,” Fin groaned aggressively. “For the love of God, stop worrying about the money!”
“I can’t!” I snapped, so frustrated with him I could scream. “You don’t get it. You don’t get that if I just forget about the money, if I just let you write off the debt so you can sleep with me, that destroys everything good and moral I have!”
“You’re making way too big of a deal out of this!” He was pissed. Super pissed. His jaw was ticking; his shoulders were bunched and tensed. He looked just like the scary-hit-man that first came to visit me. “I’ve got everything taken-“
“Fin, enough! I can’t do this. I’m already paying off somebody else’s debt; I’ve already had my dignity stripped, my belongings stolen. I don’t need this from you too. I like you. Fine, I like you a lot. But most of all, I respect you. And I want you to respect me too.” In a softer voice I added, “Iwant to respect me.”
“So what are you saying?” he asked in a carefully measured voice, not even addressing anything I just said.
“I’m saying this is over until I figure out the money, until I can feel good about being with you.”
He made a sound in the back of his throat and then repeated, “Until you can feel good about being with me.”
I nodded, regretting my words already. “When that time comes, we can see if you still want to be with me too.” Those words were the hardest of all to say because my gut told me he wouldn’t want to be with me.
“That time’s in a week, Ellie,” Fin reminded me in a hard voice. “I need that money in a week.”
“You’ll get it,” I promised. Even though he would definitely not be getting it. Which meant we would never be able to be together. I walked over to the door and opened it. “Bye, Fin. Good luck at your meet this week.”
He didn’t say anything, just stood there staring at me with his ticking jaw. With one last look I walked out of his apartment and down the stairs to my car.
I did all that to save myself from brokenness and heartache, but with every step I took it felt like I was dropping pieces of my shattered heart as I went.
