He sounded so sincere, so tragically remorseful that I almost wanted to believe him. The tiny, miniscule, wretched vindictive part of me cheered that he felt so terrible after hurting me. But the rational, kinder part of my brain reminded me of how I felt about our relationship, how I had given up long before Colton cheated.
“Colton, we were never good for each other. We were wasting our time and we both knew it. I think we both know that’s why you cheated. Three years and following each other to college is a big deal and I don’t think either one of us knew how to walk away from that. But we needed to. I don’t think it’s Ok that you cheated, and I’ll never think it was Ok. But I’m happy with where I’m at now. I’m happy we’re not together anymore.” I felt very mature at the end of that, even while in my head I was editing all the bad names I would have liked to call him.
“You’re happy we’re not together now?” He spat out and then crossed his arms, the ultimate defensive move for Colton. “Why? Because you have Fin Hunter?”
“I don’t have Fin Hunter-“
Colton cut me off, “He’s not going to be your boyfriend, Ellie. He just wants to hook up. Everybody knows that about him. I want to be yourboyfriend. Iloveyou.Wehave a future together.”
Colton left me almost speechless. I meant it when I said we didn’t love each other. We still didn’t and we never would. But I never thought he would come around and fight for me.
“Colton, I don’t know what to say,” I finally admitted.
“Say you’ll give us another chance,” he pleaded. He took a step forward, apparently taking my confusion as a good sign and reached out for my hands. I let him, more out of habit than anything else. His hands were bigger than mine and warm. But they didn’t dwarf mine in their strong, pure-masculine grip like Fin’s and they didn’t start a fire under my skin that spread like wild fire to my guts, lighting everything up in a blaze on the way.
Colton was lukewarm, Fin was dangerously hot.
Colton was forgettable.
Fin would burn me, leaving scars in his wake.
“I can’t say that, Colton,” I met his eyes; eyes that once captivated me and gave me security but now only made me feel pity. “We were over before you cheated. You have to know that. There’s nothing real between us, and I don’t have the energy for this anymore. You deserve better than this. And I really deserve better than you.”
I took my hands back and walked around him. He didn’t make a move to come after me, or really a move at all. I think I stunned him. But that was a good thing. I was learning how to stand up for myself. I was learning to find my independence.
I crawled in my car and pulled forward, since Colton was still just standing there. My heart started pounding in my chest and I barely noticed where I was going as I wound around the outskirts of campus to Fin’s apartment complex.
I was right to leave Colton like that. We didn’t have a future together.
But that didn’t mean Fin and I did either.
Panic settled in my chest as I realized how much power Fin had to hurt me. Colton may have been completely delusional with his expectations for us, but he was right when it came to Fin.
Fin didn’t want to be my boyfriend. And I was out of my mind to think that I could be the girl to change him. And if I let go of all my inhibitions, of everything I expected of myself and gave into him, where would that leave me?
I’d have sold out for money. I was back to the same old argument.
Only this time, I could admit that I would also be heartbroken. Fin would crush me if I allowed whatever was happening between us to become more and then he would just walk away.
Three years of Colton and I had a couple bad weeks and an Econ grade that needed salvaging. Six weeks of Fin and I would never be the same. And if I gave him anymore of my time or heart, he would just continue to steal pieces of me until there was nothing left.
I pulled into the parking lot of his building and sprinted up to his apartment before I could stop myself. I was breathing heavy, wild eyed and a bit frantic when he finally came to the door.
His eyes were heavy with sleep and he was shirtless. His muscles were so pronounced on his tanned body that I couldn’t stop myself from imagining licking each one of those divots and ripples. His hair was mussed as if I woke him up from a nap and he was wearing those black sweatpants I adored on him.
Not fair.
I bit my lip, afraid he would be pissed that I just showed up at his place unannounced, without as much as even text. And then for one heart stopping moment I panicked that there might be another girl here.
But then his confused face broke out into an adorable grin and he said, “Hey, you. I thought you were going home today?” He stepped to the side so I could go in.
Ok, obviously there was no girl here. Whew.I relaxed that side of my panic. But still, my nerves were tight with anxiety and my head spinning.
“Hey, are you Ok?” he walked around to face me again, putting his hands on my waist like he had a right to, like my body was already his to hold and touch whenever he wanted. And for a second I leaned into his comforting touch. I let myself be surrounded by his presence, by his delicious smell and absorbed by the butterflies that came every time he touched me.
“I, um,” I took a shaky breath and a step back. “We need to talk.”
“Oh, no,” he sighed, seeming to realize this was not going to go well for him. “Is this about your brothers? Listen, I only went to Grayson so you wouldn’t have to. I didn’t know Lennox was going to be there, but honestly Ellie, I’m glad he was. I didn’t want you to have to face your family alone, and since I don’t know when you’re going to introduce me to them, I was just trying to make things easier on you.”
