But it felt like my only choice in this situation.
“Don’t you have any romantic comedies?” I asked once we were propped against my headboard, legs extended, laptop resting on Fin’s stomach. I had to lean into him to see it, which I figured was his plan, since he lifted his arm so I could snuggle against his body.
Sneaky bastard.
“The Hobbit is as romantic as I get,” he laughed at me. With his pointer finger he started the movie and then pulled me closer to him. I stared at his long finger transfixed by how sexy I found just hisfinger! And, per his request, because the lights were off, his finger was illuminated by the light of his screen, his movements were so confident, so purposeful…. just like Fin.
I fit against him perfectly; my head lay on his chest, my arms tucked to his chest. This night would ruin me. I would never be able to come back from it.
“At least you didn’t bring The Matrix,” I sighed, mostly to cover my utter contentment. No place had ever felt as blissful as this.
“What do you have against The Matrix?”
“Only that I know every single line and fight scene in the entire movie. My brothers used to make me play Trinity while they reenacted every scene, it was like torture. Lennox was Neo, Grayson was always Agent Smith and then they made Beckett be Morpheus. My mom wouldn’t even let me watch the movie because I was so little, but I still knew all the lines.”
“Sounds like childhood trauma,” Fin laughed. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you watch that one.”
“Thank you!” I lifted my head off his chest so I could look up at him. “As soon as Colton found out I still had most of the lines memorized he made me watch it with him and recite them word for word.”
Fin laughed but mostly stared at me. “I won’t make you watch it, but if you want to reenact any of the scenes as Trinity, I’ll gladly play Neo.”
“Oh my gosh,” I groaned. He laughed this time and I felt him shake underneath me.
“It sounds like you a good childhood. Did your brothers always make you play with them?”
I lifted my head so I could talk to him again. “Yes, they did. Unlike most older siblings, theywantedme to tag along with them. My parents live on a pretty big piece of property with this sprawling woods on the back of it. And whenever they would go play back there they forced me to go with them. I just wanted to play Barbies in my room or read alone, but they always dragged me from the house. I built forts, played capture the flag, joined in their stupid games, did everything little girls hate.”
“But yet you’re not a tom boy?”
“Ha!” I rolled my eyes. “No, I’m not. They were weird like that. They forced me to learn how to play football but then the minute I put on a baseball hat, or t-shirt they would make fun of me relentlessly. When I got to junior high they would not let up until I learned how to do my makeup and then Lennox was the one who took me to buy my first pair of high heels. We got to the department store and I thought this was so cool, my brother actually cared. But then he just sat in a chair and told me to pick out whatever I wanted and not to bother him until I had a pair picked out. Needless to say, they were not cute. But Lennox was really proud of them for some reason.”
“It sounds like they really care about you,” Fin said thoughtfully.
I snorted, “Were you not listening? They tortured me!”
He chuckled again and I moved with the rhythm of his body. “No, they included you, made you tough but made sure you stayed girly too. They wanted you to have the best of both worlds.”
I thought that over for a minute wondering if that could be true. Looking back, maybe my whole life wasn’t just about making me miserable. “Ok, maybe,” I finally relented, but just barely. “But I let them get away with way too much. Now they think they can still run my life. It gets really old.”
“They don’t think they can run your life, even if they want to. They let you date Colton. Even I’m pissed they let that go on for as long as it did. They just care about you,” Fin said softly, gently. “Believe me, I have a younger brother that I would die for. They want the best for you and they believe it’s their job to make sure you get it.”
His sincere words almost broke my heart.
But I still said, “I don’t like your point. I’ve worked hard to build my wall of resentment. I’m not going to let you talk me out of it.”
He smiled down at me like he thought I was adorable. “You should tell them about us.” He coughed suddenly while I panicked inside. “I mean, about me. You should tell them we’re friends now.”
My body was thrumming with nervous energy. What did he think was going on between us? It was one thing to be attracted to each other, another thing to flirt. I could even throw in all those accidental make outs. But telling my family about us?
“Yeah, maybe,” I whispered and turned my attention back to Bilbo Baggins.
We stopped talking after that and I worked really hard to pay attention to the movie. But I was strung tight with anxiety. For the last week I’d done nothing but realize how much more I wanted with Fin, but it always seemed impossible. Even without the debt in between us, I couldn’t believe he actually wanted a relationship with anyone, let alone with me. He just wasn’t that kind of guy. Plus he had a million other responsibilities and was graduating in a month.
To go to med school.
Eventually, after an hour of obsessing over every impossibility standing in our way I drifted off to sleep. It was too easy, wrapped up in the warmth of him, his hard chest as a surprisingly comfortable pillow. I felt myself slide my arm across his chest, but I was too tired to talk myself out of it. And just before I drifted off completely I felt him press the sweetest kiss to the top of my head.
Impossible, but wonderful.
