He sighed, long and tired against my neck and then rested his forehead on my shoulder. He was defeated and he knew it. I wondered how he would answer me, but that wasn’t nearly as important as reminding me of what our relationship really consisted of.
After several moments of silence, he backed away from me and went back to his sandwich. “I have a down payment deadline of April twenty sixth. I have to make it or I lose something big.”
Vague, but truthful. I could appreciate that.
“And you’re seven thousand dollars short?” I pressed.
“I’m working it out, Ellie. It’s not really your business,” he was snappish with me. He hadn’t been short and rude since the first time we met and I felt my guard go up immediately.
“You’re right, it’s not.”
He ate the rest of his sandwich in silence and I returned to the computer. I had about twenty minutes left but the boundaries had been rebuilt so I felt safe. I was disappointed he didn’t want to be completely honest with me, but he didn’t really have a reason to.
This solidified that what he felt between us was just a curious attraction. I was an itch that needed to be scratched and nothing more.
It shouldn’t hurt, because I knew this all along, but it did. And I hated myself for being such so sensitive. And I hated the clenching in my heart that felt a little like heartbreak. It wasn’t very much, and I knew I would be able to recover easily. But still, disappointment mingled with an aching loss and huge parts of me just wanted to go home, break into my emergency stash of Snickers and crawl under the covers.
So in order to hide all that pitifulness, I changed the subject. “How was the meet?”
A few more moments of silence and then Fin finally said, “Good. I made it to the semi-finals in every one of my races. So did our four by four.”
“Those are tomorrow?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“And the finals are Saturday if you make it?”
“Yes.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
“So, do you want me to stay? Or can I take off? You just have to end the last two games and write in the stats. If you just save the screen shots, I can do it when I come back on Monday.”
Conversation had always been easy between us, even when he was yelling at me. Now everything felt stilted and forced. I could feel the tension clouding the air around Fin. And I felt small and used for every moment I hung around here. Maybe I shouldn’t have reminded Fin why I was here, but the alternative was worse. I was protecting my integrity, yes. But mostly my heart.
He had to know that.
“How about Sunday? I have some field work that I need you for.” He was pressing buttons on the microwave again, going back to the pizza.
“Sorry, that doesn’t work for me,” I said simply while gathering my belongings into my backpack.
“What do you mean that doesn’t work for you?” Fin bit out. He turned back to face me, arms crossed across his chest, stance wide. Fin was ready to attack, this stance I knew well.
So I went for outright honesty, “My mom’s coming to visit this weekend and I don’t want her anywhere near you and this deal. She would kill me if she found out about it and worse she would tell my brothers.”
“Ah, I keep forgetting I’m your dirty little secret,” Fin laughed bitterly.
“Of course this is a secret!” Suddenly I was extra exasperated. Was he serious? Did he think I would advertise that I was a sucker who let an unstable addict live with me, steal my identity and then move out with all of my pride, possessions and dignity? “They can never find out about Tara. They would force me to move home with them and lock me up for therest of my life.”
“Back to this?” he growled. “Ellie, just own up to it! I wouldn’t make any money if I let people just walk away without paying their debts. And fine, you’re different from everybody else, I’ll admit that, but I need this money more than I’ve ever needed any other debt. And this is a big debt! I need you to take this seriously.”
“You needmeto take this seriously? Are you kidding me? Iamtaking this seriously! You are the one flirting with me! You’re the one kissing me!” I yelled at him. I couldn’t believe he had gotten me this worked up! I was a nice person, a calm, rational, pacifying person. And yet here I was yelling at Fin like a crazy person.
Not that I wasn’t justified.
It was mostly out of character.
