And I meant that. As screwed up asit was to associate my relationship with Derrek with luck, I knew I had been.There were women far worse off than I had been. There were women who couldn’tjust leave. Who didn’t have a savings account to fall back on. Who couldn’t getout. Who were knocked unconscious regularly—or worse.
When I looked at the grand scope ofabused women, my case was mild in comparison to some of the true psychopathsout there.
That in no way made what happened tome okay. But I had perspective. And that was important to me.
“He got physical,” I confessed, mywords frail and broken and dragged from the deep recesses of my soul, the placeI put things I never wanted to speak about out loud. The things I wasn’t braveenough to face. “He didn’t like, I don’t know, hospitalize me or anything, buthe was rough.”
“That fucking piece of shit,”Killian snarled. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. His chestlifted with his effort to breathe evenly. “What a slimy, lowlifepiece of shit.”
I swallowed against the lump ofregret lodged in my throat. “How did you know? I mean, how did you guess thathe… that he…”
“My friend Natasha dated him for afew months a while back. She didn’t let it get serious, but she told me somethings that bothered her.” He turned his head, showing me the full severity ofhis profile. “And I’ve worked with him before. We kind of, I don’t know, rosein the industry at the same time. I’ve wondered about him. He’s not right inthe head, Vera. There’s something seriously wrong with him.”
I laughed, but it was a desperatesound, adrenaline fueled and easily broken. “Oh, I’m well aware.”
“So Europe?”
Hugging myself tighter, the truthspilled out. “I tried to leave him more than once. Ididleave him more than once. But I was stupid. I was...” I wipedmy nose with the back of my hand, only just then noticing the tears leakingfrom my eyes. “I had convinced myself that I loved him. And he always convincedme that he would change. Every goddamn time.”
“Tell me all of it. I want to heareverything.”
So I did. While we stood behind mybrother’s bicycle shop on a balmy summer night, covered in darkness and tragedyand mutual hate for the man that had hurt me so deeply, I told him every harddetail of the two years I spent with Derrek.
I opened up about how he’d pursuedme while I was still in school. I had been enamored with the adjunct professorthat was ten years older than me and so incredibly hot. He’d taken the time toinvest in my career and skill. He’d helped me become a better chef, a betterperson. He’d been so attentive and sweet and charming. I didn’t stand a chance.
We started dating my last year. Theday I graduated I moved into his apartment. He’d promised all these greatthings, everything I wanted to hear. He would keep helping me, introduce me toall the important people, get me into the best kitchens. I just needed a littlemore practice. I needed to establish a reputation first. So why not startsomewhere small? Why not just work up slowly, so people didn’t think Derrek wasthe only reason for my success?
He tore apart my world little bitsat a time. He didn’t like when I went home to Durham by myself, and since hedidn’t have the time to take off to go with me, I stopped seeing my family. Myfriends were all so much younger than him. He didn’t have anything in commonwith them. So why didn’t we just hang out with his friends? Besides, they wereconnections I could use.
He needed to focus on his career, soI should probably just work part time. That way I could help him reach the nextlevel. After that, he promised to help me. He promised to throw all his resourcesat helping me move up. Just after he got to where he needed to be first.
After he’d picked apart my life andisolated me from everyone I cared about or knew… that’s when the physical abusestarted. Looking back, I realized the emotional and verbal abuse had startedway earlier. He’d subtly slipped in his backhanded compliments and carefullywoven doubts until my self-esteem had withered and died. I lost my confidence,self-respect and will to fight.
By the time he hit me for the firsttime, I’d been mostly convinced that I deserved it. It wasn’t until two yearslater when he told me to quit my job and informed me that I would be stayinghome full time, that I realized he was going to take away the only thing I hadleft—my career.
That was the final straw. I shouldhave stood up for my friends. I should have fought like hell when it had beenmy family. I should never, ever have let him hit me. But it wasn’t until hethreatened to take cooking away from me that I couldn’t stand it for a secondlonger.
Killian had been winding tighter andtighter during my history lesson. His entire body looked ready to explode, aticking time bomb of vengeance and justice. Beneath the milky moonlight, he wasan avenging angel, nothing but hard lines and solid, unflinching resolve. “Soyou fled the country?”
“It sounds more dramatic than it is.I wasn’t afraid he would hunt me down or anything.” I thought of him outside myfood truck refusing to leave. “Although maybe I should have been. But Europewas more about finally doing something for me. Finally, just, I don’t know,crawling out of the hole I’d dug for myself. And cooking. It was a lot aboutcooking—the one thing I loved enough to protect from him.”
“What do you mean?”
I shook my head, so humiliated… sowholly ashamed. “I couldn’t leave him, Killian. I physically couldn’t. I don’tknow what was wrong with me, but I just couldn’t do it. I was afraid, yes, butit was more than that. It was like he had this hold on me that I just couldn’tbreak. No matter how hard I tried.”
He stepped closer to me, facing meagain, watching me so closely I could feel his gaze on my skin, soothing thedemons that still haunted me, calming my tattered heart—healing my battered spirit.He understood. “It wasn’t your fault, Vera.”
My eyes slammed shut as more tearspoured out of me from a well that was so tainted with hurt and betrayal. Derrekwas supposed to be my happily ever after. He was supposed to give me everythingI’d always wanted—the blissful relationship, the financial stability, the handup in my dream job. He had promised me love and given me pain instead. He’dpromised me the world and locked me in prison.
I thought he was the answer to everyone of my prayers. But he’d turned out to be the devil in disguise, the demonthat ate at my soul and destroyed my hope.
But the worst part was that I lethim. In my desperation to grasp the things I’d put on such a high pedestal, I’dlet him bulldoze me. I hadn’t even put up a fight.
And for that, I blamed myself. Morethan I blamed him.
Killian’s hand smoothed over my jawas he cupped my face gently in his overwhelming hands. His calluses scratchedalong my skin, but his touch was so gentle it made my heart hurt with a longingI couldn’t define. He leaned closer until I could feel his breath on my lips.His beard scratched at my chin, and his scent filled the air around us.
“It’s not your fault, Vera,” herepeated. “You didn’t make Derrek hurt you. He did that. He chose that. Hedecided to be the evil piece of shit that hits women and uses his size andstature to trap them. He has to answer to that. Not you. Not fucking you.It is not your fault.”
