I should have kept my mouth shut.
I should have worn the dress heliked. Or made the food he wanted. Or remembered to record the show he’d askedme to.
It was always my fault. He alwayshurt me because of something I did. He didn’t want to. He never wanted to hurtme. But sometimes I pushed him too far.
God,what a sick game.
I knew better now. At least my headdid. I’d spent the last year analyzing everything I did wrong. And then everysingle thing he did wrong. I forced myself to relive traumatizing memories so Icould guard myself against it happening again.
But my heart hadn’t seemed to learnthe lesson. Not that I still loved Derrek. I hadn’t loved him in a very longtime. But I couldn’t stop from reacting when he laid on the guilt like this.
My instinctual reaction was toapologize. To him. For leaving him. See? This was why I couldn’t trust myselfin a new relationship. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I didn’t knowhow to be anything but a doormat.
And if it hadn’t been for the pastcouple of months, I probably would have. But Killian had been good forsomething. He’d taught me how to fight. He’d taught me how to stand up formyself.
He hadn’t meant to teach me thisparticular lesson, but he’d done it without demeaning me, without stripping meof dignity and self-worth.
If anything, Killian had helped merestore some of my confidence; he’d helped me find myself again.
And it was for that reason alone, Iheld Derrek’s apologetic gaze and whispered as bravely as I could, “Do youreally not know why I left you?”
A line of customers formed while hestood in front of me, wielding his sick magic. A few people had wandered out ofGreenlight, the nearest bar. They laughed and chatted and didn’t notice that Iwas crumbling to pieces right in front of them.
I was immediately embarrassed, ashamed,afraid they could look at the two of us and know exactly how I gave himpermission to abuse me. It was crazy and they kept their distance, but I justwanted Derrek gone. I never wanted to see him again, let alone have thisconversation publically.
His eyes flashed with hurt like I’dwounded him. “I really don’t know, Vera. You were it for me. You wereeverything. And then you just disappeared. How can I move on when I don’t evenknow what happened?”
“I can’t do this right now,” I toldhim. “I’m working.” To the crowd, I said, “I’m sorry. I’ll be with you in amoment.”
Two people at the back of the linewandered off, not interested in waiting around while I sorted out myrelationship drama. Another guy threw his hands in the air, frustrated with thewait.
“Derrek, you have to go. I have arestaurant to run.”
“That’s another thing. This isn’t arestaurant. This is a trailer. You belong in a kitchen. You belong in one ofthe best kitchens. You’re too damn talented for food like this.”
I ignored his words, letting thembounce off me with little impact. At least for now. Later, when I was safelytucked in my bed with all the doors locked, I could fully absorb them. “Derrek,you need to leave. I mean it.”
“You don’t need this place, Vera.You probably haven’t heard. Telltale Heart launched. It’s getting greatreviews. There has been some national buzz about it. About me. It’s everythingwe wanted. You belong in Charlotte with me. By my side.”
Fire seared through me, sparked bythe original argument. I was good enough for a girlfriend, but not an employee.Not that I even wanted to work for him. But it was the principle. “By yourside, but not in your kitchen?”
“What do you mean by that? Vera, God,I need you. Don’t you hear what I’m saying? I need you with me. In my life,however I can have you. If that’s in the kitchen, then fine. But just come home.”
His words were like daggers in mygut. Or worse, letter openers- sharp enough to penetrate, but dull enough tohurt like hell. I threw all the steel I’d acquired over the last year into mytone and remained firm. “Derrek, I have to work. I need you to leave.”
“When can I see you again?”
“You can’t.”
“I still have all your stuff. I needto give it back to you. We can meet tomorrow to discuss the details.”
“Leave. Now.”
“Not until you agree to meet me, totalk this out. It’s a misunderstanding, Vera. You have to know I will dowhatever it takes to get you back.”
“Vera, are you okay?”
Oh, thank God. I nearly sank to myknees at the sound of Wyatt’s voice. “Yes.” Now that someone familiar was here,the grit oozed out of me, leaving me trembling and teary-eyed. “I need help,Wyatt. Can you step inside for a second? Vann had a date.”
