The will to speak dried up in mythroat. I wasn’t ready to say those words to anyone yet. Let alone KillianQuinn. He wouldn’t understand throwing away my career like I did. He wouldn’tunderstand turning my back on my dream for someone else. And he really wouldn’tunderstand being trampled for years because I lacked the backbone to escape.
“It’s complicated,” I admitted, theword tasting like dirt in my mouth. Maybe I wasn’t as simple andstraightforward as I had hoped.
His warm hand wrapped around mywrist. His fingers circled my smaller bones completely, touching his palm andmaking me feel so small, so fragile next to him. He made me feel sheltered, protected.He made me feel valued in a way that took me off guard every single time hetreated me so kindly.
And yet I couldn’t shake the worry,the old fear that stayed with me no matter what.
I was the exact opposite of him. Hewas sure and stable, where I was fickle and shaky. He was confident when I was onlyinsecure. Strong where I was only ever weak.
I kept my gaze trained on where hishand touched me, using him to steady the wild beating of my heart. When I firstleft Derrek, leaving the country had felt like my only option. I had beenskittish around all people, jumpy and paranoid. My hands shook regularly, andmy expectations for human decency were lower than low. But during my year inEurope, I’d worked on some coping mechanisms to help me heal.
I hated them. And I hated beingweak. But I refused to give this part of me to Derrek. He’d taken so much. Hedidn’t get to take my sense of peace either, my ability to be normal andinteract with other people. But it was easy with Killian, easier than I expected.He made me feel normal again. Safe.
Killian stepped closer, demanding myattention. His body heat swept over me like a tidal wave, covering mecompletely, all at once. I swallowed so loudly he had to have heard it. “You’reall mystery, Vera. Half-truths and bold statements, but you hide everythingabout you.” His grip around my wrist tightened, demanding my attention. Ilooked into his eyes, but it turned out to be a mistake. He was too intense.Too overwhelming. He was everything hot and exciting, interesting and new. Iwanted to get to know him. And I wanted to be known by him. “Tell me somethingreal,” he demanded.
I should have walked away. I shouldhave turned around and ignored him for the rest of the day. For the rest offorever. But instead, I told him the truth. The stupid, ugly truth. “The foodtruck wasn’t ever something I wanted. I pictured myself like you. I wanted thebig kitchen. The acclaimed restaurant. I wanted a staff and name recognitionand all of it. I wanted everything. Instead, I got a five-foot galley andtwelve hundred Facebook likes. I don’t have any clue what I’m doing. And Imoved back home with my dad. I’m twenty-six years old, and I live at home.” Thewords left my mouth in a rush of confession and connection. I felt him absorbthem, take them in and get to know me. I felt this tug between us grow tauter.
I wanted to take them all back,erase the closeness between us. I wanted to remember that I was done with men.That falling for Killian would only hurt me.
Hurt my career.
But I couldn’t. The damage was done.I saw it in his expression, the way his eyes warmed and softened and saw me—really,truly saw me. “If you want a restaurant, Vera, you could have one. You havemore talent in your pinky than most chefs have their entire career. Why did yougive up?”
“Can I help you guys find anything?”
The vendor’s voice broke the spellover both of us. We took an instinctive step back, neither of us realizing howclose we stood.
I tugged my arm from Killian’s graspand took another three steps away, thankful I didn’t have to answer hisquestion.
“Lettuce,” I sounded breathless,shaken up.
And I was.
The vendor went over his differentvariations and their quality. I half listened. No, that was a lie. I tried tolooklike I was half listening while mybrain tumbled in my head like it had been put on a dryer setting.
I finally picked out iceberg. It wasn’tthe most inventive of greens, but it would braise well. I paid him and promisedto come pick it up before he closed for the day.
Killian took over, grilling the guylike he had the first vendor. He asked no less than a thousand questions. Ijust watched him, mentally taking notes on everything he said.
He didn’t end up buying anything.The vendor was just as surprised as I was. Killian thanked him but didn’t makeany promises to come back.
“Did I buy bad lettuce?” I askedwhen we’d turned away from the stand.
“There’s not a whole lot to lettuce.You’ll be fine.”
I stared at him. “What was wrongwith everything else?”
He shrugged that casual one shouldershrug. I wanted to whack-a-mole it. “Nothing is wrong with it. It’s just not…Here, I’ll show you.”
My poor battered heart lurched. Hiswords felt heavier than our simple morning at a farmer’s market. I should haveleft.
Run away.
Instead, I did something simple andutterly irreversible, something that would be the beginning of the end for me.I didn’t walk away.
I let him show me.
Chapter Sixteen
