His response came quickly.James Q:I’m impressed, Foodie. I honestly didn’t think you had it in you.
I wasn’t sure how torespond.Foodie the Food Truck: Uh,thank you?
JamesQ: It was a compliment.
My brow furrowed. How had I gottensucked into another conversation with this guy?
Foodiethe Food Truck: I assumed.
JamesQ: I’ve been told I don’t give very good compliments, so I just wanted you tobe sure.
This conversation echoed too closelyto Killian, and I immediately clicked on his name to cyberstalk him moreclosely. There was no profile picture, although from his feed and small friendslist it was clear this guy was involved in the food industry somehow. Iscrolled through past posts and pictures of the dishes he made both at home andin an industrial kitchen. But his posts were few and far between, and therewere never any face shots.
He could have been any chef.
He could have been Derrek.
He could have been Killian.
I shook my head, hating how absorbedin Killian I was. I obviously needed sleep. Anything to stop thinking abouthim.
Foodiethe Food Truck: Well, thanks again, James. I hope you get to check out Foodiesometime soon.
He sent me back a thumbs up,releasing me from the conversation. I clicked off the message box and shut mycomputer down.
Putting aside the message, andKillian andLilou, I lay back on my bed and rubbed myhand over my heart.
It burned in my chest, punchingagainst my breastbone, wanting something I couldn’t define. I hated thisfeeling. I hated that it followed me around like a specter, taunting and pokingand never leaving me alone.
I’d felt it in high school thesecond I realized I wanted to be a chef. Every time I researched schools ormade plans for my future, it was there, spurring me on to chase my dreams. I’dhad a momentary break from it during culinary school, but it returned in fullforce once I was tied to Derrek and realized my dream of becoming a famous cheffaded in the long shadow of his illustrious career.
In the beginning, I had hoped Derrekwould help me in my career. I hadn’t wanted to use his connections for unfairadvantages, but he’d been an opinion I trusted, a gentle critic that would bothinspire me to do better and point out my flaws. Until we moved in together.Then he’d quickly made it clear that I could cook in a kitchen, but not onethat I ran. He didn’t want to compete with me. He didn’t want me to suffer aschedule like his. He didn’t think that we would survive both of our careergoals.
So, I’d blended into the backgroundwhile he continued to accomplish everything he wanted to.
My heart started hurting again theday I was offered a sous chef position in an up and coming bistro. I’d comehome elated and so proud. Derrek had been excited for me too, but then startedasking questions carefully crafted to make me doubt myself. By the end of theconversation, I’d believed I wasn’t ready to be a sous chef. He’d helped merealize that if I took that important of a position, then I wouldn’t be able tosee him or take care of our apartment. It was a great kitchen, but not one onthe top of my list. If I settled now, I would always be settling.
I turned down the offer and workedpart time at a bigger, more commercial kitchen. The food wasn’t interesting,and the head chef was obstinate and self-absorbed. I would never have moved up there.I would never inspire new and creative dishes. I would make the same generic crapover and over again under the thumb of a man that didn’t even know my name.
But I did get to see Derrek wheneverhe was home or needed me. I did get to play house with our apartment.
And that was just the beginning ofhow things went so wrong.
I continued to rub my chest,wondering when the ache would go away. Derrek was gone. I ran my own kitchen. Iowned a business.
I’d been forced to change my dreamssince my young culinary days, but I’d recalibrated and made new dreams. Set newgoals.
And I was reaching them.
So why did it feel like settling?
ChapterTen
The next four weekends became acircus routine of trying to make the best damn food on the freaking planet andKillian sending one of his spies to infiltrate my very carefully vetted line ofcustomers every time I changed up the menu.
It was infuriating.
Hewas infuriating.
