But before my head could explodewith irrational anger, I breathed out slowly, realizing for the millionth timethat Killian wasn’t Derrek. That maybe my defensiveness could be dialed backuntil I heard him out.
Killian’s open gaze bored into mine.“Is that what you want then? Bianca?”
I nibbled on my bottom lip, beforeanswering honestly. “It’s what I thought I wanted, before Foodie. But now Idon’t know what to think. Honestly, at this point, I’m just happy to have beenconsidered.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
His tone caught me off guard, and Ileaned away from him, afraid I’d pissed him off and not able to squash theinstant reaction to run and hide. “What do you mean?” I whispered.
Not catching my panic attack,Killian sat up straight and leaned forward. “You’re not a consolation prize,Vera. You’re a phenomenal chef. Ezra figured it out in the shortest amount oftime, but soon the entire city is going to be buzzing with your name. Therewill be more offers for kitchens, more head chef positions to choose from. I’mglad you’re happy to be considered, but think bigger… better. Don’t just takethe first thing thrown at you because that’s all you think you’ll ever get.Decide what you want in life. What do you want out of a kitchen? If Bianca iswhat you’re looking for, then take it, but don’t do it because you’re afraidthere won’t be anything else. There will be, Vera. There will be everythingelse.”
I stared at him, not knowing what tosay or think or feel.
“I’m just saying, decide what you want.You have options.”
I blinked. “Like what?”
He’d been full of energy when he’dtold me I deserved Bianca. His body had been vibrating with enthusiasm andsincerity. His hands moved animatedly, and his eyes practically glowed withintensity.
Now he was still and stoic. It waslike stepping out of a hurricane and into an air-conditioned room. His bodystopped moving, his expression shuttered, his eyes darkened, a wall falling inplace and hiding his thoughts from me.
I preferred the hurricane.
Until he spoke. And then I realizedhe was protecting himself. He’d pulled back to ready himself against myreaction.
But what he should have done waswarn me to do the same thing. If I thought his words of affirmation wereshocking, I had no way to prepare myself for what came next.
“Like me,” he pitched gently and atthe same time with so much weight and possibility that my knees nearly buckledbeneath it. “Like us. We could do something together. Open something together.”
I tried to take a deep breath andfailed. “Us? You want to open something with me? You’re serious?”
He must have seen something in myexpression because his wariness turned soft and tender. His distance became acareful touch as if he were handling something so incredibly fragile andprecious. “I’m serious. Modern American with flare. It’s not original, but ourdishes would be. It wouldn’t be your own kitchen, per say. But you would havesomeone to share the burden with… the commitment.”
I tried to breathe deeplyagain. And failed again. “Killian…”
He wrapped his hand around mine,closing it into a fist. I hadn’t even realized I was reaching for him, that I’dperched on the edge of the stool readying to throw my arms around him. “Don’tanswer now,” he said quickly. “Think about it. Take your time. I’m asking alot.”
He had no idea what he was asking.It was so much more than a restaurant or business venture. He’d looked all theway down the road and decided he wanted me to take a chance with him. He’dpromised commitment in either a relationship or partnership that extended intoa potentially very messy future. “You want to open a restaurant with me?” Myvoice was small, delicate. Breakable.
His gaze held mine with bewitchingclarity, a faint smile lifting the corners of his mouth. “Yes, Vera, I want toopen a restaurant with you. I want to do a whole lot more than just open arestaurant with you, but we could start there. This thing between us is real.I’m not going to stand in the way.”
“How do you know?”
“What?”
“How do you know that it’s real?Thatwe’rereal? That you want to tieyourself to me in such a permanent way? What if we break up or end up hatingeach other? What if we end up hating each other because of the restaurant? Thisis a huge commitment, Killian. How do you know I’m the right person?”
His face relaxed, and so did hisshoulders. He tightened his grip on my hand and slid to the edge of his stooltoo, so that our legs were slotted together and his body heat warmed my exposedskin, pulling goosebumps from my arms. “It’s here.” He put my hand flat againsthis chest. “You’re here.”
His heart thumped against my openpalm. Fear strangled me. Panic clawed at my stomach and settled in my bones.“But what if I don’t stay there?”
He shook his head, a look of utterdetermination transforming his expression. “It’s not like that. You can’t justcome and go as you please.” He tugged on his beard with his free hand andthought about it for a second before explaining. “It’s more like… like this.When I got to Jo’s and got to know Ezra, for the first time in my life Irealized I didn’t have to be alone. I’d found my family. It was a poignantmoment in my life that I can still picture to this day. I probably wouldn’thave picked them myself.” A playful smile danced across his mouth. “But once ithappened, it was done. I can no more stop loving them than they can stop lovingme. And when I found cooking. It was like this thing that just clicked. Orfastened. Or came together. I knew it was my calling. I’d found my purpose inlife.” His green eyes glittered with truth. “And with you. I found you, andthere was this tug to get to know you, to find out everything I could aboutyou. I couldn’t ignore it. Hell, I didn’t want to ignore it. As soon as Iopened the door, you became more. You were significant and important andright. You settled inside me like youwere always meant to be there. I found you, Vera, because I was supposed tofind you.” It was impossible to breathe at this point. This man, thisbrilliant, talented, gorgeous man had just poured out his heart to me, and Iwas going to die before I could respond because I’d stopped breathing. Hecontinued. “At some point, we’ll fight. In the future, things might getdifficult. I’m never going to be an easy person to get along with. But, Vera, onthe other hand, we can fight for each other. Life will likely get difficultwhether we’re together or not, so why not tackle it together? And I might be anasshole, but I’m an asshole that cares a very great deal for you. In fact, Imight even love you.”
Basically it was impossible tobreathe now. I had probably turned purple. “You what?”
His hands moved up my forearms,gripping for support. Whether it was for him or me, I didn’t know. “I love you,Vera. I do. I love you.”
My heart fluttered, jumped, and thenthreatened to climb into my head, taking control of my body. It was staging amilitary coup against my brain and my ability to think logical, rational,clear-thinking thoughts. And I was just so close to letting it. “I love youtoo.” The words were out of my mouth before I’d fully decided to say them. Andthere went my heart again, clapping… applauding… deciding right along with methat I did. I loved him. These feelings, so soul deep and life changing, weremore than temporary or fleeting. They had been fought hard for. First by us aswe struggled to make sense of each other. Then as we pushed beyond our pasts,beyond everything that had damaged and scarred us. Deciding I wanted to say itagain, this time with clarity, I whispered, “I love you, Killian.”
