And if they did? The daughter of the traitorous O'Sullivan, the widow of the hated villain Malcolm Darach… no. The fragile trust she'd already started to earn would be broken in an instant, and for good reason, at least from their perspective. They'd send her away, and she'd lose everything again. She pursed her lips at the irony: in trying to reinvent herself, she was having to hide away everything that had ever made her who she was today.
"Are ye alright?" Ferda asked.
"Just tired," Maeve replied. "I'll sleep now."
"Well, goodnight, Mary," Ferda said. "I'll see ye tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Ferda," Maeve replied. She turned on her side, but she knew that it would be a long, long time before sleep found her.
10
CHAPTER TEN
Training was not going as well as Maeve had hoped. It had been a difficult four weeks with Senan, but at least he had been able to focus on her exclusively and cater the training to her needs. With Cailean and the whole camp now part of her training, Maeve was having much more trouble in keeping up than she'd anticipated. Every night, her bones and muscles ached from the day's grueling practice, her skin decorated with bruises and scrapes, her nerves frayed from tiredness and struggles to keep up.
She was not miserable by any means, and sure, some days she felt invigorated, but other days she found herself feeling so tired and hopeless about catching up that she wanted to weep. She'd been trying her very best to follow Cailean's advice and respect her own boundaries, but as the days and even weeks passed, it was becoming painfully obvious that she was just slipping further and further behind. Quickness was one thing, but it was nothing to experience; wit was wonderful, but it fell away in the face of practiced strength. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to catch up.
The problem wasn't so much that she felt bad about falling behind. She could take a hit, both metaphorical and literal, without fear. But as she caught the pitying glances of her comrades and heard their sympathetic words, she worried that she was disappointingthem.Worse, she constantly felt Cailean's eyes upon her, and a deep panic filled her at the thought that she might be proving his initial assessment of her correct after all. What if he grew tired of waiting for her to catch up?
"Ye neednae worry so much," Patty told her one morning when they were eating breakfast together.
"Worry?" Maeve asked. "What makes ye think I'm worryin'?"
"It's been two weeks, and we've been together for all of it," Patty replied with a laugh. "Ferda will be back in a few days too, and if I dinnae make sure ye're all right, it'll be me on the line. I can tell when ye're worried by the way ye furrow yer brow, pet. I've bandaged enough of yer trainin' wounds tae ken it."
Maeve smiled a little ruefully. "I'm nae worried," she insisted, but then relaxed a little. She knew that Patty wouldn't believe that everything was fine, and besides, she didn't want to lie to her. "I'm just… tired. I thought things would be goin' better by now, that's all."
"With the trainin'? Och, go easy on yerself. These people have been at it for years, and ye've had, what, a month, two, at most, after a lifetime of nothin'?" Patty gave her a smile and a shrug. "Ye'll get there eventually. But as yer friend and yer healer, I want ye tae make sure ye dinnae kill yerself along the way."
"I've nae intention of dyin'," Maeve replied, laughing, though there was an undercurrent of seriousness to her words too. "But I want tae make sure that the life I'm livin' means somethin'."
"Cannae mean anythin' if ye're a crumpled heap on the ground," Patty replied. She put her hand on Maeve's shoulder and added, "Do ye want me tae tell Cailean that ye need a wee break? He willnae mind if?—"
"No!" Maeve insisted, more loudly than she'd intended. Patty raised an eyebrow, and Maeve lowered her voice before continuing. "No, no. I'm fine. I just need tae keep goin'."
"Aye, but?—"
"Look, I promise I'll nae go too far," Maeve interrupted. She secretly knew that this wasn't possible, because she would not allow herself to show so much weakness as to give up in front of the other warriors.
Patty snorted. "Ye'll go too far," she said. "But dinnae worry. I'll be here tae patch ye up. That's what we do for each other here."
Maeve smiled, partly out of thanks but mostly because she was still marveling over the fact that she believed it. This was a family, and they looked out for each other, even if, she remembered with a twinge of guilt, it was a family she'd have to lie to for as long as she was a member of it.
"Ye comin', Mary?" someone called. Maeve looked up to see Dirk, the young Bruce cousin, calling to her from nearby. He'd been exceptionally kind to her since that first day, looking up to her almost as if she were an older sister. Maeve wasn't sure if it was simply out of embarrassment for his words when she was introduced or if he genuinely had grown to like her, but she thought it was sweet anyway.
She got to her feet, bid her goodbyes to Patty, and hurried over to follow Dirk to the training ground. Her muscles ached with every step, but there was a feeling of excitement within her as well. Maybe today, at last, would be the day that she would finally be able to keep up with Cailean's training regimen. Maybe today, at last, she wouldn't embarrass herself.
"Dinnae overdo it!" Patty called after her.
"Nae promises," Maeve muttered under her breath.
Despite her hopefulness, Maeve quickly found herself falling behind as the morning session began. Her hands were so stiff that she could barely hold her training sword, and she kept dropping it so much that she was sure the others must be laughing at her, even though nobody did any such thing. Everyone else was moving faster than she was, everyone else was stronger, and no matter how much she tried to use her wits to stay ahead in the sparring, her frustration was beginning to make her make stupid mistakes.
Worst of all, she felt Cailean's eyes upon her as she stumbled and fell over for the third time in a row. Darren, who was serving as her training partner, put out a hand to help her up.
"Are ye all right? I didnae mean tae shove ye so hard," Darren said, kindness in his eyes and voice.
Maeve accepted the offered hand, her cheeks flaming with embarrassment. "Ye barely touched me. I'm just off me game today."
