"I'malwayslookin' for joy," he told her. "Among other things."
Nessa gulped, trying to wrangle her imagination before it could lose itself in the wildness of his words. Heat flushed through her skin, and she both wanted to demand that he leave and clench his hand tight so that he had to stay. Drawing herself together with her most haughty expression, she said, "Then ye are lookin' in the wrong place. I am Nessa O'Sullivan, the only remainin' recognized daughter of James O'Sullivan, Lady of the O'Sullivan clan, and the betrothed of Ansel Ashkirk. I have nae joy tae give. When I marry, it will be for duty. That's all."
Darren blinked at her, then laughed. "Is that right?" he asked. He squeezed her hand. "Well, I am Darren Bruce. Son of Kier and heir to the Bruce Clan, and, until Cailean and Maeve get around tae havin' bairns of their own, the next in line tae the true throne. Marryin' for love has never really been a prospect for me either. Likely I'll wed a woman who'll bring a stronger alliance tae our cause. I accepted that a long time ago. But…Nessa?"
"What?"
He moved in closer, turning his head so that he could whisper in her ear. His hair tickled her cheek, and she closed her eyes and inhaled his scent. He smelled of the forest and summer and fresh hay.
"Who saidanythin'aboutmarriage?" he whispered. "I was talkin' about findin' joy. Wherever we can."
Nessa gasped out loud as something new uncurled deep in her stomach, her whole body flaring to life in a way she'd never known before. She wanted to turn and catch his lips in hers—to take charge and show her kidnapper what it was to be captured. She wanted him, in turn, to show her what it was to feel joy. Just for one mad, shining moment, she wanted nothing more than to lose herself.
Darren pulled back. He was still smiling, but there was an intensity now to his gaze that made Nessa's heart hammer.
"I hope ye find it," he said. "I really do." He leaned over and kissed her cheek before getting to his feet. She raised a shaking hand to where his lips had been. "I'll lock the door, but there's always gonnae be someone nearby. If ye need anythin', just shout, aye?"
"A–aye," she stammered. "Aye, of course."
Darren nodded and headed out of the room. Before he closed the door, though, he paused in the doorway. "Once ye've done it—once ye've let her out and found that joy for yerself—ye'll let me ken, will ye nae?"
"I will," Nessa promised, barely knowing what she was saying.
He smiled and gave her a little wave then left, locking the door behind him.
Chapter Eleven
Neala watchedfrom the battlements of her home as Maeve and Breana were reunited with their sister and tried not to allow the sick feeling in her stomach to overwhelm her. Shame flooded her, but it was not enough to smother the other emotions that were swelling and battling in her breast, threatening to tear her apart as she tried to find herself within the chaos. Of course she was glad that Maeve and Breana had their sister back. Of course she was glad that Nessa was safe and no longer under the control of the False King after what had been a long and stressful month for everyone. She'd have to be a monster to not see the positives in what had just happened, and she genuinely did.
And yet…and yet, the sorrow and some of its darker cousins were winning the war as she surveyed Nessa from above. It was hard to make out what the girl looked like from up here, but if she was anything like her sisters, Neala had no doubt that she was beautiful. Was that why she had been chosen to be the future queen? Was that why Ansel had made her his fiancée?
Neala's stomach twisted. She knew that it was ridiculous to be thinking this way. She knew she should not be thinking of Ansel at all. Despite that, she could not help but wonder—how had it come about? Had Ansel decided on the marriage as soonas he had arrived back at Blackthorn Castle, maybe as some kind of revenge on Maeve for shaming him? That didn't sound like him, but she supposed it was possible.
Of course, there was the other reason—the one that she had refused to let herself think about ever since the news of Ansel's betrothal had reached her. Perhaps he and Nessa had been courting since long before Neala had met him. It wasn't as though Ansel and Neala had ever had time to discuss such things, nor even to discuss what their own budding relationship had really meant between the two of them. Perhaps Ansel and Nessa's betrothal had been arranged long ago. Perhaps he even… loved her. The tightness in Neala's stomach worsened, and she clutched her hands to her belly to fight off what felt like physical pain.
Whether it was true or not, she knew that Ansel would do his duty. If he were to take Nessa as his wife, then he would do so with his whole heart, just as he did with everything he put effort into. Had he kissed her yet? Had he done more than that? Neala tried not to imagine it, but in the corner of her eye she could see it—Ansel, his lips pressed against Nessa's pale neck while he held her in his arms, whispering the words in her ear that Neala had never heard but had so longed for.
Tears burned at Neala's eyes, and she scowled, cursing herself for her own idiocy. She needed to stop this at once. She turned from the battlements as the sisters, Cailean, and Eoin went inside, and headed back inside the castle herself, fully intending to go and join them. However, her feet led her in another direction.
The library had already greatly changed in the last month, with storybooks and fascinating tales filling the shelves, but Neala wasn't interested in books at the moment. She walked back through the library and right into the hidden room that still held the chest with the McNair sigil emblazoned on it.
Neala took a deep breath and settled down on the small chair inside, taking care not to accidentally let the door close. She had no desire to end up trapped in this room again. She reached over and opened the chest.
It was mostly empty now. Many of the books and papers had been filed in the library, while many of the tapestries and paintings now hung proudly on the walls around the castle. However, a few odds and ends still remained in the chest, the precious remnants of their family that had no other place to go. Neala had insisted on keeping their mother's diary here, and she reached for it now as she had so many times in the past month and flipped it open, seeking comfort from beyond the veil.
I was already approachin' me twenty-fifth birthday when Robert took a fancy tae me. Me parents despaired I'd never wed, and I was of the same opinion! I had nae interest in sellin' meself tae some man. But Rabbie was different from the start. He saw me as a friend, nae just a woman. I remember once, when we werenae quite courtin' yet, when all he wanted tae do was settle down and play a game of chess…
Neala's heart pulsed with pain, but there was a sweetness to it too. With a sad smile on her face, she turned the page and kept reading.
Ansel watched from the battlements of his home as night fell, and he worried that he'd made a deadly mistake. He was now fully recovered from the poison, though his back and shoulder still ached whenever he moved. In the few days that had followed, his life had been turned upside down, and there was no way to go back.
Baldric had explained it all. Elspeth was indeed a White Sparrow, and her entire employment here at the castle had been as a plant to spy on Ansel's father. Several of the other maids, kitchen staff, and others who had come and gone had also been members of the organization, including two of the maids who had started their work just a few weeks before.
"I was already angry with the way things were," Baldric had explained with a gentle urgency. "Ye must understand. Me father was a supporter of the McNairs, but he had tae hide that until the day he died. He thought they had all perished and that there was nae hope. All he wanted tae do was protect me and me mother."
"I dinnae understand," Ansel had confessed. "Are ye sayin' yer mother—me aunt, me father's own sister—secretly was against his victory?"
Baldric had sighed. "It was complicated for her. She kent her brother had done wrong, but she was a frail thing. She never truly understood the monster he'd become, and, of course, that was in the early days, before things got as dire as they are now. But me father taught me the truth. He taught me how Scotland was, and how it could be. He told me there was a rebellion, and that one day, we could be free again, though he didnae ken how. Mother died nae long after yer father stole the throne, and, as ye ken, Father went seventeen years ago, when I was just fifteen. I was brought here, named an Ashkirk, and taught the glory of Edric's power. But I never forgot, Ansel. I held it close tae me heart."
