"Again," Cailean said. He got to his feet and launched into another attack, this time letting his fury echo down his arm. The intensity of the fight had him blazing, and while his usual grace was missing, the brute force he threw down made the other man's eyes widen with what looked like genuine fear. Once he had downed the opponent, he turned to the next and shouted, "Next!"
"Sir?"
"Next!" he barked.
Another warrior came forward and Cailean launched forward again. Every blow he struck was trying to get the pain out of his own heart, every relentless barrage of attacks a way to try to beat the failure out of himself. He won, but his victories only made him feel worse. He had to push more, push harder.
He called them forward one by one, barely seeing who was in front of him, savagely attacking, picturing his opponent as himself. Maybe if he could be less of a coward. Maybe if he could understand who he was meant to be. Maybe if…
"Cailean. Enough."
Darren's voice cracked across the training field like a whip. Cailean blinked, the red fog fading from his vision, and looked up to see his best friend striding forward toward him. Looking around, he saw the other warriors watching him with identical looks of shock or even fear on their faces,
"Everybody keep trainin','" Darren commanded, taking over without blinking. Then, in a lower voice, he said, "Cailean, come with me. I think we need tae have a talk."
* * *
When the two of them were a little further away from the main training field, Darren said, "Are ye ready tae talk tae me now? What happened back there?"
Cailean ran his hands through his hair, his frustration bubbling over to the point that he couldn't even put words around how he was feeling. He knew he had gone too far and he knew that avoiding Darren — the person who knew everything about him — had probably just made it worse, but he didn't even know how to express what was going on inside him. How could he explain the complex emotions that were churning through him when he didn't even fully understand them himself?
"Is this all about learnin' who Maeve really is?" Darren asked him. "Because…"
"She kens whoIam," Cailean blurted out. Darren was perhaps the only person in the whole camp, even including the elders, with whom he could be fully honest right now, and he knew that if he didn't take the opportunity, he would resent it. "She… she found out who I really am."
Darren was silent, and so Cailean told him what had happened in full — how Kier had suggested the raid, how Cailean had stepped in and rejected the idea, and how Maeve had questioned him, culminating in their argument in the woods.
"I cannae believe the way she spoke tae me!" Cailean exclaimed, though even as he said the words he knew they weren't truly what he was worried about. "How can she nae understand…"
"Her sister is trapped with the Darachs," Darren told him bluntly. "Ye talked about yer family tae her. Did ye stop tae think what it must be like tae have one person still alive, and that person tae be sufferin' such a fate?"
Cailean scowled. "We can save her sister without a full raid that risks everyone else. We need tae find a way that protects…"
"Me friend, will ye listen tae me a moment?" Darren asked. "How many times have ye been faced with someone bein' rude tae ye or pushin' back against ye?"
"Many times," Cailean admitted reluctantly. "What's yer point?"
"Me point is that ye usually deal with such things calmly. Should ye maybe consider why Maeve's words are affectin' ye so much?"
"Because we had tae fight for our lives thanks tae her lies and…" Cailean started, but the words felt hollow even to him. Darren shook his head, and Cailean sighed. "I dinnae ken," Cailean admitted after a moment. "I dinnae ken why she's affectin' me so much."
"Perhaps because she's a woman worth respectin', and ye've come tae value her opinion, ye big eejit," Darren told him. "Maybe because ye ken that the words she's sayin' are true, and ye're scared of the truth."
"Ye're callin' me a coward now, too?" Cailean asked.
Darren shrugged. "I ken ye too well tae think ye a coward. But I do think ye can be blind. Nae matter how uncomfortable it makes ye, ye cannae run away from all the truths in yer life forever. Nae matter how hard ye fight, sooner or later, ye'll have tae face the truth. Will ye be ready when it comes?"
* * *
At Darren's insistence, Cailean agreed to take the rest of the day off from training and allow Darren and Fergus to run the session instead. He needed distraction, maybe even solace, and he wandered off without any real idea of where he was going. It wasn't too surprising when he ended up at the mouth of the village. He set off in the direction of the tavern, looking to get a drink or three to drown his sorrows, even though it was far too early for such things.
But as he walked through the village and saw the early morning activity of the villagers, something strange happened. These people had nothing, they all knew that, and yet, that morning Cailean saw smiles all around him. The farmers were headed out into the fields and kissed their wives and children on the way. The shopkeepers were tending their stalls and the women were tending their homes and gathering the children without complaint.
Resilience. These people had lost everything. The income of the village had been destroyed, many of the villagers had died, and much of the hope for Broken Windmill should have been extinguished. And yet, there were the people, living their daily lives with happiness in defiance of what the world expected from them. They aided the rebels, they raised their children, and they loved their country. They hoped, they loved, and theylived.
For these villagers, for these people, nothing was truly lost until they'd lost themselves. And wasn't that the most remarkable thing of all?
Cailean wondered if he could ever be as brave as these people. Could he ever earn the respect they aimed toward his image? Could he ever be the king they hoped and prayed for in their day-to-day struggles? He couldn't stop thinking about the words that Maeve had thrown at him, how she'd talked about the fact that people were laying down their lives for him whether he came forward or not.
