It wasn't just that, though. Every time she managed to tear her thoughts away from him, there was someone else mentioning his name. Ben, telling her the story of how a young Cailean had stepped in and saved him from a life he never wanted. A healer named Georgina, who told Maeve a tale of how Cailean, then just fourteen, had traversed the countryside alone to find a particular rare flower that had saved a man's life. The stableboy, Harry, who'd been full of praise for the way that Cailean treated the horses. It seemed that every time she stopped thinking about him even for a few seconds, someone else had something to say.
The thought made her smile. She'd only known Cailean for a short time, but a wicked little part of her already knew he'd be slightly uncomfortable at the amount of praise going on behind his back. She wondered what the look would be on his face if she were to tell him.
"What are ye smilin' at?"
Maeve lifted her head slightly from her pillow and saw Ferda entering the hut, smiling broadly. "Good evenin'," she greeted. "I'm nae smilin'. I'm wincin' in pain."
"Och aye!" Ferda said, then laughed. "Darren and Fergus both told me that ye took quite a beatin' today — though I saw ye this mornin'; ye gave as good as ye got, at least at first."
Maeve snorted. "Hardly, but thank ye," she replied. "How was yer day? I thought I'd see ye, but ye vanished after the mornin' duel."
"I did," Ferda agreed. "We went on a short radius mission, that is, we circled the place, makin' sure nobody was comin'. In a few days, I'll set out on a longer journey, but I asked if I could stay around camp for a few days more for now."
"Why?" Maeve asked.
Ferda blinked, obviously astonished by the question. "Tae get tae ken me new friend, of course," she said as though it was the clearest thing in the world. "I believe we were roomed together for a reason. Dinnae ye think the same? I've always wanted a sister, and now with ye and Patty, I might have just managed to get two."
It was a little overly forward, Maeve supposed, but it touched her heart anyway. She liked the slightly quirky way that Ferda seemed to see the world, and she knew that, even if it was a little too much, Ferda's words were genuine.
Genuine was a good word to describe the rebels in general, Maeve was finding. What was it that Ben had said?Honesty, togetherness, dedication, and respect.
Yes, this was the kind of place Maeve wanted to be in. It was the kind of place she'd wanted to be in her whole life.
"I'd like that," she said.
"Good. I kent we'd get on well, Mary," Ferda said cheerfully.
With that last word, the warmth in Maeve's heart shattered and it was as though a spear of ice had pierced her. It was a reminder, too stark, of how no matter how honest and genuine her campmates were, Maeve could never return it in kind. She could never truly be part of this family, never truly earn their trust, because they didn't even know who she was.
And if they did? The daughter of the traitorous O'Sullivan, the widow of the hated villain Malcolm Darach… no. The fragile trust she'd already started to earn would be broken in an instant, and for good reason, at least from their perspective. They'd send her away, and she'd lose everything again. She pursed her lips at the irony: in trying to reinvent herself, she was having to hide away everything that had ever made her who she was today.
"Are ye alright?" Ferda asked.
"Just tired," Maeve replied. "I'll sleep now."
"Well, goodnight, Mary," Ferda said. "I'll see ye tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Ferda," Maeve replied. She turned on her side, but she knew that it would be a long, long time before sleep found her.
10
Chapter Ten
Training was not going as well as Maeve had hoped. It had been a difficult four weeks with Senan, but at least he had been able to focus on her exclusively and cater the training to her needs. With Cailean and the whole camp now part of her training, Maeve was having much more trouble in keeping up than she'd anticipated. Every night, her bones and muscles ached from the day's grueling practice, her skin decorated with bruises and scrapes, her nerves frayed from tiredness and struggles to keep up.
She was not miserable by any means, and sure, some days she felt invigorated, but other days she found herself feeling so tired and hopeless about catching up that she wanted to weep. She'd been trying her very best to follow Cailean's advice and respect her own boundaries, but as the days and even weeks passed, it was becoming painfully obvious that she was just slipping further and further behind. Quickness was one thing, but it was nothing to experience; wit was wonderful, but it fell away in the face of practiced strength. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to catch up.
The problem wasn't so much that she felt bad about falling behind. She could take a hit, both metaphorical and literal, without fear. But as she caught the pitying glances of her comrades and heard their sympathetic words, she worried that she was disappointingthem.Worse, she constantly felt Cailean's eyes upon her, and a deep panic filled her at the thought that she might be proving his initial assessment of her correct after all. What if he grew tired of waiting for her to catch up?
"Ye neednae worry so much," Patty told her one morning when they were eating breakfast together.
"Worry?" Maeve asked. "What makes ye think I'm worryin'?"
"It's been two weeks, and we've been together for all of it," Patty replied with a laugh. "Ferda will be back in a few days too, and if I dinnae make sure ye're all right, it'll be me on the line. I can tell when ye're worried by the way ye furrow yer brow, pet. I've bandaged enough of yer trainin' wounds tae ken it."
Maeve smiled a little ruefully. "I'm nae worried," she insisted, but then relaxed a little. She knew that Patty wouldn't believe that everything was fine, and besides, she didn't want to lie to her. "I'm just… tired. I thought things would be goin' better by now, that's all."
"With the trainin'? Och, go easy on yerself. These people have been at it for years, and ye've had, what, a month, two, at most, after a lifetime of nothin'?" Patty gave her a smile and a shrug. "Ye'll get there eventually. But as yer friend and yer healer, I want ye tae make sure ye dinnae kill yerself along the way."
