Isla remained obstinate, however, in refusing to let them in. She stayed in bed, curled up into a ball of sadness and shame, wishing more than anything that she had refused to come to Castle Oliphant—that she’d never agreed to this union in the first place.
If she’d stood her ground, after all, what would her parents have done about it? They’d have bluffed and blustered, but for all of their anger and frustration and disappointment, they would never have truly forsaken her. She could still have been home at MacDonell Manor at that very moment, if she hadn’t allowed her father to manipulate her so grievously.
Too late for all of that now. Too late to do anything but lie there and wait to pronounce vows she would not feel in her heart, yet would always be bound to regardless. Her prospects were thoroughly dismal, and she knew it.
Perhaps I will be able to find some love and happiness with the children I bear him, she thought, wiping more tears away.If it turns out that they share my traits, then we shall have much in common, which may be a delight… and if they end up with some of Alex’s features or quirks of personality, then might I do my best to encourage them to embrace the good elements while rejecting the more unpleasant ones?
There was little comfort in these thoughts, given the uncertainty of such a future.
What if she couldnotbear him children?
That notion doused her like a bucket of cold water, chilling her to the bone and adding to her overall angst. There were plenty of lasses who became pregnant upon their first encounter with a man—she’d heard of such things among the townspeople in the MacDonell lands, and had always breathed a great sigh of relief that this had not occurred with Kenneth. For if it had, that would have destroyed her life utterly.
It hadn’t occurred to her until just now that it might have been because her body was inhospitable to such things.
And if she could provide no heirs for Alex? If she proved useless at such crucial endeavors, what would her prospects be then? The marriage might be annulled, she supposed, for much of it had been based upon the expectation that she would give him children, particularly sons who might lead the clan in the event of his demise.
Even if the marriage continued, it would be a barren and horrible one, she knew. This palace would become a prison to her for the rest of her years.
There was another knock at the door, and she groaned, rolling over and burying her face in the pillow again. “Leave me be,” she mumbled. “I have no need of nourishment or company.”
She was surprised to hear the door open anyway, followed by a voice that had become quite familiar to her during her stay.“It would appear tae me that you are in great need of both. If I cannae compel you to indulge in the former, then it seems I must, at the very least, force the latter upon you.”
Isla looked up at Lorna and dried her tear-streaked face with her sleeve. “You’ve heard, then, no doubt? The nature of the… secret I revealed tae Alex?”
Lorna shook her head firmly. “Nay. The nature of it remains concealed from me… and from all others as well, in case you were wondering.” She paused, tilting her head pensively, then added, “Well, if I were in the mood tae wager, I’d guess Alex might have shared it with Bryan Black, the captain of his guard. He trusts Bryan implicitly, and confides all of his thorniest problems in him that he may receive the benefit of his wisdom and counsel. In which case, I’d still advice you not tae fret upon it, for Bryan is the very soul of discretion.”
Isla supposed this should have comforted her, but instead it made her feel all the more lonely. Alex had someone he could share his troubles with down to the last detail, someone who would lead him through life’s bramble patch.
Who did Isla have here?
Lily would, of course, report everything directly to Elspeth—Isla was well aware of that. And although Moira was a friendly enough sort, the fact remained that servants did tend to gossip. Isla could not risk it, especially after telling Alex that she would not breathe a word of it to anyone.
But…
Lorna couldn’t be categorized as just “anyone,” now could she? She was generally considered to be something of a sister to Alex, and so surely she could be confided in? Particularly since she’d shown Isla such tremendous support already.
Isla wrestled with the urge to tell her everything, and found that she could not stop herself from doing so. Her loneliness in the fact of all this adversity was killing her by inches, and shecould bear it no longer. If she was to remain here and see this marriage through, she would need a true confidante, she could see no alternative.
So she summoned all of her courage, swore Lorna to the utmost secrecy, and told her everything.
When she was done, she cringed inwardly, awaiting words of scorn and judgment from the woman for Isla’s momentary weakness as a younger lass.
Instead, Lorna gave her a knowing nod and smile. “Well, there weren’t all that many things it could have been, aye? So ‘twas more or less what I’d expected.”
“Then… what shall I do?” Isla asked breathlessly. “How may I proceed in good faith with a man who has Laird Alex’s temper? One who will always see me as unworthy and a source of shame tae him, even if the secret remains concealed from all others?”
Lorna stood at the window for a few moments in silence, as though deciding how best to frame her response. Finally, the corners of her lips twitched upward in a mysterious smile.
“First of all,” she began, “if the marriage is tae continue as planned—and it seems as though it will, at least for the moment—then perhaps ‘twould be best for you tae get used tae addressing him simply as ‘Alex,’ rather than ‘Laird Alex.’ The more you include the honorific, the harder it shall be tae see him as your mate and equal, rather than some tyrant who roams the corridors being unpleasant tae people like some storybook ogre.”
This elicited a small and grateful laugh from Isla. “Very well.”
Pleased by this response, Lorna continued: “When Duncan and Alex were still wee lads, Alex had a toy which he delighted in playing with. Duncan admired it greatly, and one day, Alex caught Duncan amusing himself with it. Alex was furious… so furious, in fact, that that night, Alex destroyed the toy. He broke it to pieces, then threw it in the fire.”
Isla’s eyes widened with horror.
“Och, I dinnae tell you this tae make you think Alex is a violent man!” Lorna tittered. “As I told you before, you have nothing tae fear from him in that regard. Nay, the point I was attempting tae make, Isla, was simply this: Alex knew full well that Duncan was larger than he, and that there would be no point in trying tae punish him in a brawl. More than that, what he felt as jealousy, he expressed as a destructive rage… one which, in the end, punishedhimselfmore.”
