Brooke’s voice softened slightly. “Rav, you saved my life.”
“Did I?” The bitter words were mine this time, but at least I turned to face her again. “Because I can’t remember what happened after I saw the gun. I dove for you and… I must have knocked over whatever splashed you.”
Her shoulders fell as understanding bloomed across her face. “You think what happened to me was your fault.”
“Wasn’t it?” My voice cracked. “I was supposed to protect you.”
“You did protect me!” She stepped closer. “You took what, three bullets that would have killed me? Four?”
“And then I couldn’t move.” The memory flashed vivid and sharp—her smile, my team yelling about the gunman, launchingmyself at her to block his gunfire—and then nothing until the hospital in Germany. “I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t stop what happened.”
She stared at me, blinking slowly as though trying to process everything. “All this time… you’ve been blaming yourself?”
What could I say? Itwasmy fault.
“When I called you,” she said quietly, “and I told you how much I missed you, did you honestly believe I blamed you?”
I closed my eyes, remembering her name on my phone screen. The way my hands had shaken. And how I couldn’t bring myself to listen to the message. I’d simply deleted it. “You deserved better.”
She deserved all the happiness in the world, and I couldn’t give it to her.
“Better than what?”
“Better than a broken man.” I opened my eyes, forcing myself to look at her. How many times had I stared at the few photos I had of her? I’d only printed one of them, so I’d have it at my grandmother’s old cottage when I ended the pain.
After Scarlett found me that night, I’d finally put the gun and the photo away.
Brooke shook her head slowly. “It wasn’t your decision to make.”
“What?”
“Whether I deserved better or not.” Her breath stuttered. “That was for me to decide, not you.”
I had no answer.
“Do you know what I thought when you never called back? I thought it was all a deployment thing for you. That what we had wasn’t real.”
My stomach churned at her words. “God, no. Brooke, it wasn’t like that at all.”
“How would I know?” She gestured sharply with one hand. “One minute we’re making plans for after we got home, the next you’re gone. No goodbye, no explanation. Just silence.”
I took a step toward her and stopped myself before I took more. “It was real. For me. All of it.”
She studied me, wariness and hurt battling across her face. “So why didn’t you call me back? For real. If there was another woman by then, fine. If you were on another mission, fine. But don’t give me that pathetic bullshit about not being able to face a little thing like me.”
I should have stayed home and avoided this mission at all costs. Or should have pressed Pendragon to have Brooke stay with them. Why, of all things holy, did I agree to her staying with us?
The words would never come. The only person who understood the toll Operation Clearwater had taken on me was Scarlett. I hadn’t told her anything, but somehow, she’d known, and she pulled me out of it. Not all of it, but enough.
Why tellherand no one else?
Because Scarlett had needed me. She gave me a position with Reynolds that let me repent.
But you can’t truly make up for your sins until you ask for forgiveness.
“I’d lost everything.” The military. My sense of duty. Brooke. “I didn’t want to go on living.”
“You tried…”
