He sat down next to me. “How? Explain this to me.”
“She told me that she signed a DNR. And she wrote out a will. Those were huge, neon signs and I didn’t do anything. I was even the one who refilled the prescription for the pills she took.”
“Emmy, aren’t those documents pretty standard for someone with Stage Three cancer? And didn’t you take care of all her prescriptions, not just that one?”
“She was talking about me taking care of Charlie. Mike had just walked out on her again. I should have known. I have these dreams—” I broke off when my voice shook, and I covered my eyes. “I have these dreams where she’s standing at the end of the hall and I’m trying to get to her. But I can’tmove fast, I’m in slow motion, and trying to scream to her but nothing is coming out of my mouth. I failed her and I can’t fail Charlie too.”
Luke reached out for me but I pulled away.
“I understand that you feel guilty. That’s normal, I’m sure.”
“There’s nothing normal about anything! My sister killed herself, leaving her only child. His dad abandoned him. And now he’s getting in fights in school. I have to acknowledge my role in all this.”
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Cassie made the decision, not you.”
I shook my head, and Luke sighed.
“All right, well, maybe you should put Charlie in a new school, to be with new kids. You were saying you hated that science teacher he has. What about the Red Pine School, where Macdara goes? He could visit for the day and see if he likes it.”
Before the words had finished coming out of his mouth I was shaking my head. “No. No. I don’t want him to go visit Red Pine. I’m sure he would love it, and then what would happen if they wouldn’t give him a scholarship? Get his hopes up and then what? You don’t understand, Luke! You have to see this from my perspective. It’s just the same as the mattress!”
He looked completely confused. “What mattress?”
“You promised to get him his own bed at your house. You talked to him about going camping on Isle Royale this summer. You can’t get his hopes up like that!” I told him.
“You think I won’t follow through? Is that what you’resaying?”
“I’m saying that you don’t know what the future holds! You shouldn’t make promises!”
Luke was obviously furious. “Is that really your opinion of me? That I’d mislead Charlie and let him suffer when I backed out on him? Or are we talking about you here? That you don’t trust me.”
“I do,” I protested.
“No, you don’t. You clearly think I’m a liar. Or is this about something else? Did you get what you wanted from me, and now you’re done? You’re trying to break up with me? New car, new phone, bills paid, see you later?”
I gasped. “No! NO! I didn’t ask you for any of that.”
“Right, like I was just going to leave you wallowing in poverty.” He stopped, and put his head in his hands for a moment. Then he looked at me. “Emmy, I didn’t mean that.”
I stood up, pulled the phone from my pocket, and dropped it in his lap. “I’m going inside to wallow. You can go to hell.”
I stood in the kitchen and spied on him as he left. Then I went up to my bedroom to cry. I could hear Charlie sobbing through the wall that we shared.
What had I done?
∞
Annie and Macdara came to our house on Friday afternoon. Charlie was pouting in his room. He had talked to Mrs. Ferber a little more, and she had moved Rivers to a differentsection in second grade. But I hadn’t permitted Charlie to go back to swim, as miserable as it was making both of us.
“Hi guys,” I called from the yard to Annie and Mackie. I had decided to just go ahead and take out all the bushes on the east side of the house. It was really difficult and left me exhausted, which I appreciated. Sleep was not coming easy. “Macdara, Charlie is upstairs. Second door on the left.” The door with the signs taped on it saying “I HATE EMMY” alongside other inspiring messages about me.
“This is a big project,” Annie said, looking around the yard with wide eyes. It was looking a little, well, stripped.
“I have more time now to do stuff at home.” Now that I had stopped working at Roy’s. I had called him to quit, and he told me he knew it was coming, and not to bother to come back in to work and that he would mail me my last check. Apparently he had a stable full of women waiting for the job, and good luck to them. Then he told me that he hoped for the best for me and for Charlie.
“You’re very energetic,” Annie complimented me. “This would be a much better workout than the terrible Pilates class I had this morning. There was a substitute for the regular instructor, and I don’t even think she knew how to use the reformer!”
“That’s a shame.” I had no idea what she was talking about.
