CHAPTER
ONE
Gianna
“My sweet friend Audrey likes to say that revenge isn’t necessary,” I say, adjusting my headphones. “Whoever hurt you has to live with their rotten self, and that’s punishment enough.”
Roxie, a name I’m positive she chose just before calling into my live-streamed podcast, sighs in abject disappointment.
I smirk. “I wholeheartedly disagree with Audrey.”
“You do?”
“Of course, I do.” I lean toward my bright pink microphone, wondering if Roxie has ever listened to my advice before today.“Sometimes revenge is necessary. Imagine if you take the option of revenge off the table. What happens then? What discourages assholes from being assholes? It’s not like they’re going to suddenly turn empathetic.”
“This is what I’ve been telling my friends, but they keep telling me that I have to move on. To let it go—to forget what my ex did to me.”
“Well, that probablyisthe healthier option. But if you aren’t there emotionally and need to check this chump, and the only way for you to take your power back is to toss those cheese sliceswrapped in thin plastic on his windshield on a particularly hot day, then do it.” I bite my bottom lip, grinning. “Or, depending on your definition of revenge, you could find out if his dad is hot and then do with that information what you will.”
Roxie’s laughter is quick, singing through the recording studio in satisfied, if not amused, notes.
I’m always curious about how seriously my callers take my opinions. I’m even more interested in whether any of them follow through with mycontroversialsuggestions, as the head of Canoodle Media calls them. But, as my producer, Francine, always reminds me, I’m probably better off not knowing if they do or don’t—plausible deniability and all.
Francine holds up a finger and twirls it from the sound booth, indicating one more caller, and then we’ll wrap up the episode.
“Now is a good time to remind everyone that the opinions expressed onGianna Knows Thingsare my own and not necessarily shared by Canoodle Media or its sponsors,” I say, reading the script off the screen in front of me. “The information shared on this podcast is for entertainment purposes only and should, in no way, be considered professional advice. We recommend consulting a professional regarding your specific situation. Now that’s out of the way, we have time for one more caller.” I scan the screen and find their name. “Hi, Hannah. What do you need to know?”
“I’d love to know why I apparently hate myself,” Hannah says with a tight laugh. “Can you answer that?”
We gotta find a way to put notes next to the caller’s name so I know what I’m getting into.“No, but I can refer you to a great therapist.”
“I’m just kidding. Thanks for taking my call, Gianna. I’m a huge fan.”
Francine rolls her eyes, making me laugh.
“Here’s what I really need to know,” Hannah says. “How do I know if the guy I’ve been seeing is serious or if I’m just a friend giving him benefits that he doesn’t deserve?”
Here we go …
I managed to answer nine questions—seven call-ins and two online submissions—in this episode without coming across one like this. These are my least favorite situations for a litany of reasons. These inquiries seem crystal clear to me, but my answers always seem to portraymeas the bad guy. One thing I’ve learned in this role is that not everyone who asks a question wants the truth. Or my version of it, anyway.
“Before I answer, I want you to be sure you really want the answer,” I say.
“Yeah, of course, I do.”
“Okay,” I say, gritting my teeth. Something in her voice—the hope in her tone—kills me. I’m about to break this poor girl’s heart.Hell, maybe I am the bad guy, after all.“Hannah, I’m sorry to have to tell you this. He’s not serious about you.”
Silence.
“If you have to wonder if he’s committed to you, then he isn’t,” I say with as much empathy as I can muster. “Guys put a lot of effort into the things they want. It’s that simple.”
“Do you really think so?” Her words are nearly a whisper. “Hehasbeen swamped at work and with family obligations. Maybe I’m being unfair to question his intentions.”
“How long has he been this swamped?”
“For a while.” She groans. “Actually, it’s been months since we’ve had any real time together. I keep thinking that life will calm down, but it doesn’t.”
I sigh, carefully adjusting the mic in front of me. “I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I think you agree with me. I think you know down deep that he’s not into you anymore. That’s why you called me, because you know I’ll tell you the truth. I thinkyou’re probably sitting around,waiting, in his absence, and the needs he doesn’t meet are becoming glaringly obvious.”
