I'm tense, sorting through my own thoughts while she snores softly against my skin. The feeling of protectiveness didn't make sense then and doesn't make sense now. Protection requires caring about the person, and I don't even know her.
Besides, caring about a target violates every rule I've operated under for the past two decades. Targets are names on lists, problems to solve, obstacles between me and payment. They're not people with trauma and tears and vulnerability. They don't get into my head and make me weak and unstable the way I've been acting the past few days.
But Sabine isn't just a target anymore. She hasn't been since she stitched me up when she could've finished me off. She's a partner now, and while it may be temporary and transactional, I have to watch her back and make sure she's safe until I get my end of the deal.
Except this isn't just a partnership anymore, either. Not when I spent last night holding her while she cried, promising to help her destroy the man who violated her. I don’t know what's gotteninto me at all. I'm falling for this woman and it's gonna cost me my life in the end if I don't rein it in.
And to think this all started with that one little girl I couldn't kill. I knew it was wrong the instant I saw her tear streaked face as she asked for her mommy. I've done a lot of killing—way too much. If I had to count bodies it'd be in the hundreds. I'm not proud of that, but it's how I've lived. But when I looked at that kid, I just couldn't. I knew it was wrong. Something inside me froze and told me to change course. Something that shifted inside me.
Maybe that's why I couldn't leave Sabine alone last night. Maybe seeing her break down triggered the same instinct that made me spare that girl, the recognition that some lines shouldn't be crossed and some pain demands witness rather than abandonment. Maybe trying to do something for Sabine is an attempt to balance failing that child and prove that even though I killed her parents, I can still help someone who needs it.
Or maybe I'm lying to myself and the truth is simpler and more dangerous. I'm losing myself to her because I’m falling in love.
Sabine moves, and it pulls me from the spiral of thought, and when I look down, she's stirring. Her eyes open slowly, and confusion crosses her face before memory catches up and she realizes where she is and who she's lying against. For a moment neither of us moves, like she doesn't want to jerk back and offend me, and then she's pushing herself up slightly to look at me with a sleepy look on her face.
"Morning," I scratch out in a gravelly morning voice.
"Morning." She studies my face for a long moment, and whatever she's looking for seems to register because her posture relaxes slightly. "Did you sleep at all?"
"Some." The answer is honest enough. "You?"
"Better than I have in a long time." Her hand moves to push hair back from her face. Her eyes are still puffy from crying last night, but she looks more stable. "Thank you for staying. I know that wasn't part of our arrangement."
"Don't mention it." What the hell am I supposed to say to that, anyway? There wasn't a chance in hell I ever would've left her sobbing like that. It's the reason I came into this room pretending to have forgotten my charging wire.
She shifts to sit up fully, and my arm slides away from her shoulders, the break in contact registering the feeling like I've lost something. Cold air rushes in between us, and I want that warmth back. I don't like that she pulled away. Sabine draws her knees up and wraps her arms around them. She looks thoughtful for a moment as her chin rests on a knee and she blinks several times. Then she speaks, and I have to hide my inward reaction.
"Why didn't you kill me?" Her tongue flicks out over her lip and she continues. "You don't have to help me at all. And last night, you had that gun. You could've just shot me right there with Ethan."
"Yeah," I drawl out, "killing you would've been easy, but you have access to information I need. We called a truce, right?" Keeping this about that agreement we made makes things less messy, at least for her. She doesn't need to know what I'm feeling about her. I haven't quite reconciled how I'm going to return to the boss saying everyone on that list is dead when clearly, SabineHart is not dead. But by the time that day rolls around, maybe I'll have come up with a good response.
God knows I can't kill her now. I know too much about this list and the person who hired me to feel right about covering up his crimes. The only reason I had strength to pull the trigger on that Caldwell guy was because he refused to help Sabine, and I know he hurt her.
Still, if she thought for a second that I was falling for her, what would that mean? She's this straight arrow. She wants to take down her former CO because he murdered a few innocent people. And with the number of people I’ve murdered, I guarantee at least a few of them were totally innocent. There’s no way she'd be interested in a man like me. I'm worse than Captain Bryan.
Sabine seems to have accepted that answer. But she asks, "Then why did you comfort me last night?" Her voice is quieter now but no less direct. "If you're just a killer doing a job, why did you climb into bed and hold me while I fell asleep?"
Little by little, she's stripping away my ability to stay objective. My hands curl into fists and I sigh. "Because leaving you alone felt wrong."
"Wrong how?" She's not letting this go, and the way she's looking at me suggests she already knows the answer and is waiting for me to say it out loud. God bless it, I'm losing my mind.
"Like… on a human level…" Tension crackles between us as she studies me. Her lips purse and she licks them again. "When you see someone hurting you help them… Right?" It must sound so insane hearing those words from a man like me. I'm a hiredgun. I don’t care about people. But here I am telling her—an American patriot—how humans are supposed to take care of each other.
"Jace… You kill people for a living." Sabine relaxes, now sitting cross legged and slouching as she asks, "Tell me why I'm still alive when my name is still on that list not crossed out."
The real answer rises from the depth of everything I've been avoiding since the moment I read that diary. "I, uh… Because reading your story in that journal humanized you and you're not just a target to me anymore. I feel something and…" I can't even finish. It makes heat rise in my chest, and my eyes drop to her mouth again. Those full, pouty lips I would love to taste. But I deny my desire, knowing who I am and what she thinks about men like me.
But she notices. Of course she notices.
"You look at my lips an awful lot." Her voice carries a note of amusement beneath the seriousness. It draws my eyes back up to meet hers. "Are you thinking about kissing me, Jace?"
She's so direct and blunt, not like most women who toy with a man's heart. And to honor her bluntness, I answer her directly. "Yes."
"Why haven't you?" Her thumb traces my lower lip, and the touch sends electricity through my nervous system. "If you want to kiss me, why are you holding back?"
"Because once I start, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop. I don't know if that's fair to either of us given who we are and who I have to be." My chest feels ready to explode. My dick is swelling, which'll be hard to hide considering I'm wearing only my boxers now. And Sabine can only smile at me.
"Life's not fair…" She leans closer now, and I can feel her breath against my skin, counting the flecks of gold in her brown eyes. Desire for her overwhelms my senses and my better judgement. And her hand rests on my jawbone, lightly touching my stubble. It's too much. She's too intoxicating. And I'm screwed because it's messing with me, and it's gonna mess with her too.
