Helen let out a soft laugh. “There are not a lot of women who a tooth would be a good gift. What hobbies does she have? What does she like?”
“Sex,” I immediately said.
They all groaned. Piotr grinned and punched me in the arm. “That’s a good thing. Women might not admit it, but the fact that she likes sex and likes it with you is important. But I’m sure everyone here will agree with me that you naked on her doorstep isn’t going to work at this point in your relationship.”
“Even if I’m holding a pizza?” Those magazines I’d read seemed to advocate that approach as the perfect way to win a female over.
Edna made another choking noise.
“Son, that only works in pornos,” Frank told me. “Whatever you do, do not show up at her house naked and holding a pizza. At least not until you’ve got a ring on her finger.”
“Does she like jewelry?” Helen asked. “Crochet? Does she have a dog or a cat?”
I thought for a moment. “She wears little gold rings in her ears, but seldom wears other jewelry. I don’t know what crochet is, and she does not have a dog or a cat or any other animal pet. She has very little room in her apartment. She enjoys physical activity and spending time with her family.”
“Bingo,” Frank shouted. “You need to run a charity race with her, or take her kayaking, or hiking or something.”
“Just because she likes working out doesn’t mean she wants to go hiking or kayaking or running a race,” Helen told Frank. “Some women just like to take a spin class three times a week and go to the gym. Not all of us are into sweating it out in open water or with bears chasing us.”
Outside of copious amounts of flowers, I’d been given no good suggestions so far. Helen was right. Willa spent a lot of time in the gym, but I didn’t know whether she’d enjoy running with me or kayaking or hiking. I knew so little about her, and that twisted my stomach in a way that made me want to throw up on the grass.
“Well, she sounds a lot like my granddaughter,” Piotr said. “So I’m going to say your second gift should be tickets to a local gala—preferably a charity benefitting event.”
“The auction for the animal shelter is next month,” Edna said. “Buy your own ticket, and gift her with two tickets telling her to bring a friend. That way it’ll be casual, and no-pressure.”
“That’s the one with the runway walk, isn’t it?” Benny asked.
“Runway walk?” I asked, completely in the dark about this supposed gala. Orcs weren’t much into balls. That was more of a fae thing where everyone danced and ate and drank so much they ended up having sex with random partners in the middle of the ballroom. Orcs were all in favor of parties with food and drink, but we preferred to have sex somewhere private, preferably with someone we at least knew in passing. Orc parties usually involved feats of strength where winners received aprize, and recitation of poetry about famous battles or death, not dancing.
“Locally famous people walk down a raised platform with an adoptable dog or cat,” Dave said. “Helps a lot of the animals get a new home, and seeing the mayor, or one of the Ravens’ players is a big draw.”
“People dress up,” Helen said, patting me reassuringly on the knee. “So get a tuxedo. And send a limo to pick up your lady and her friend. The food is really good, and there’s beer and wine and mixed drinks. They’ll do the runway thing during dinner, but before when everyone is milling around eating appetizers and drinking, they’ll bid on the auction items. You get a bidder number when you go in, and you run around like a crazy person, trying to write down a higher bid than someone else on the items you want.”
Edna laughed. “Lordy, I musta spent ten times what it would cost to buy a bushel of crabs at Phillips ’cause that Betty Whitmore was determined to outbid me. A couple of dirty martinis and some unhealthy competitive spirit and I was throwin’ down the credit card like there was no tomorrow. Those crabs were good, though. And all the money went to help the animal shelter.”
I frowned. “I think Bwat is volunteering at the animal shelter.”
Not that I had any bad blood from getting punched last night. Hell, I probably deserved it if he thought I was making a move on a female he was interested in. I was just thinking that Bwat might be able to help me get these tickets, and give me some clue as to how to navigate what seemed to be a significant human event.
Piotr nodded. “Then Bwat is a good guy. We’re all proud of our local shelter. They never refuse to help an animal in need. They’ve taken in some horribly abused and neglecteddogs and cats and saved their lives. Plus they offer vaccine and spay/neuter clinics, and have programs that provide food and medicines that help poor families keep their pets.”
I didn’t understand the human fascination with furry mammals. We had dogs and cats, but they served a purpose different from the emotional companionship humans had with their pets.
“I’ll buy tickets for this pet-event. And jewelry. And flowers. But not a tooth.”
The group of elders nodded in approval.
33
WILLA
Ishould have just walked away from Eng after Monday’s training session, but instead I argued with the guy and ended up practically dry humping himat my place of work. Eight years of gym-bros and gals hitting on me and I’d never once even flirted back. I’d always remained professional no matter how my libido had wanted otherwise. And yet my very first day on the job of what was my dream career move, and I was making out with one of the guys I’m training, right in the open where anyone could have seen.
Where one orcdidsee.
My face burned at the memory. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t be angry solely at Eng. I’d been an equal participant—anenthusiasticparticipant. It wasn’t the thought of seeing him tomorrow morning that made my stomach clench with anxiety, it was the prospect of facing twenty orcs who would snicker make snide remarks just loudly enough for me to hear. In less than twenty-four hours, I would have lost the respect of the whole team.
Eng would suffer no such disrespect. The others would just slap him on the back and congratulate him, as if I were someprize to win and own. With one kiss I’d fall from a tough trainer to just another female to be objectified.
