Was I really that unbearable?
I felt my bottom lip quiver—miserably, pathetically.
“I’m sorry,” I managed to whisper out. “Please don’t—” I tried to ask her not to leave me, not to abandon us, but the words were strangled in my throat, and it was hard enough to rasp a single breath.
“Percy, you need to calm down. We can’t discuss how to move forward if you are unable to participate in the conversation,” she told me.
I wailed then, large teardrops rolling down my cheeks, but she didn’t release my jaw from her hold. I worried of my tears soaking the cuff of her blazer, and how ugly I looked crying at such an angle, as she towered over me.
“What is there to talk about?” I asked. “You don’t want me anymore,” I stuttered out, gasping for breath.
“Percy,” she said, and released my jaw. I was folding in on myself instantly.
“That is not what I said. I am not leaving you,” she told me, but it was like I couldn’t make sense of her words. I was breathing so hard and fast, crying into my pillow.
The pillow was ripped from my arms, tossed to the ground, and my jaw was once again being raised from my chest.
“Percy, pet, please stop this and calm down,” she said, her free hand wiping my tear-stained cheeks. “Breathe for me, with me,” she said, and began taking deep breaths through her nose and out through her mouth.
“With me, Percy. Breathe in,” she commanded, and I tried to follow the instruction.
“And out,” she continued, instructing me as such for what felt like a long time.
Eventually, my tears stopped, and my throat didn’t feel like I was being strangled from the inside.
“Can you talk?” she asked.
I tried to speak, paused to clear my throat, and answered with a raspy, “Yes.”
“Good girl,” she replied, and released my jaw.
“Now, we need to speak about so much I hardly know where to start,” she rubbed her temple.
“Let’s start with your most recent outburst. Why would you so easily misconstrue my intentions to think that I want to leave you? Do you not feel secure in our relationship?” she asked.
I thought about her words and sagged in relief as my mind finally understood that she didn’t intend to end our relationship. But I shrugged at her answer. I expected her to leave me. I expected her to choose someone more suitable, eventually.
“That’s not a good enough answer,” she warned.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I think—I think, I mean, I’m always messing up, you’re unhappy with me, I’m not a noble, we don’t care about the same things, I’m not good enough,” I said, and I felt my inadequacy like a punch to the stomach—painfully.
Selene was silent for a moment before sighing heavily.
“This is part of the problem we need to fix. You are everything to me, Percy, but we are different natures. We have not been working well together since the Summer. I believe that to be my doing, and I apologise, sincerely. I have wanted you to be happy, but in doing so I have not been true to myself—or you,” she said, and I was simply confused.
“You are my soul match. But you are also my pet. My nature demands control, and yours, I believe, craves the security of being controlled,” she explained.
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
But I understood. As much as I found Selene overbearing at times, part of me calmed—a little loud, anxious part of my mind fell silent when she took charge.
She gave me a look that said I knew what she meant, and I ducked my head and turned back to the wall, embarrassed.
“It helps me feel calm, safe,” I admitted. “But not always,” I added, remembering the evening. “Sometimes you drive me mad, Selene. The way you spoke to me, handled me—tonight—I didn’t like it,” I told her.
“We will discuss tonight shortly,” she told me. “Back to the subject at hand first,” she continued.
“I have been lax. Lenient with you. I have wanted to show that I care for you. I spent so long trying to suppress and deny my feelings that I felt I had to make up for it. I have allowed behaviour that I shouldn’t have, and I have not responded appropriately—and now your behaviour has, on a number of occasions, been dangerous as a result.”
