“Is it bad that I kind of hope their boat sinks?” I asked Dallas during one call.
He grinned “No. Because I have definitely thought of the same thing.”
Lea was there for me the whole time, and I learned how to be there for her. She was always down after her regular chat with her father. I wasn’t going to encourage her to cut off all communication with him, but I did point out that he always made her feel terrible.
“Maybe I can ask him if we can talk less often?” she asked me in the smallest voice.
I grabbed her hands. “Tell him that you need space. See if you can just send emails or something. Then you could put them aside and only deal with them when you wanted.”
She nodded and then wrapped me a in tight hug. “You’re the best, V.”
“I’m not. But it’s nice to hear anyway.”
Life had changed in a million tiny ways and I wouldn’t change any of them. I wouldn’t change Lea’s hair clogging the shower drain (how did she have more hair than me?), or her hating it when I woke her up in the morning, or when we fought about groceries at the store. Even when it was bad, it was still good.
More than a few nights I would hear her get up from bed and sneak out of the room. The first time I’d been worried, so I’d waited and followed her, searching the whole house and being terrified before I checked the garage roof. There she was, sitting in her pajamas and looking up at the stars. I’d gone back to bed because if she’d wanted me to come with her, she would have asked.
I’d never mentioned it, but one night, almost two months after the wedding and the official beginning of our relationship, she woke me up in the middle of the night. I assumed something was up with the kittens, so I was wide awake immediately.
“What is it?”
“Nothing, everything is fine,” she said, soothing me with a hand on my arm. “There’s supposed to be a meteor shower tonight and it starts in a few minutes. I was going to get up and watch it. Um, do you want to come with me?”
“I’d love to come with you.”
I told her to head out so she didn’t miss anything and gathered up a blanket, made some tea, and grabbed the box of blueberry frosted Pop Tarts. We always had at least one box in the house now.
“God, you’re so smart, thank you,” she said when I joined her. I spread the blanket over our shoulders and passed her a cup of tea.
“This is perfect,” she said, snuggling close. “Oh look!”
I wasn’t looking at the stars. I was looking at her. She was stunning, even in the dark. So beautiful and so mine.
“Lea?” I asked.
“Yeah?” she didn’t look away from the sky.
“This is probably the wrong time to say this, but I don’t care.”
“Hmmm?” The stars had distracted her.
“I love you.” I’d been holding onto those words for weeks now. I’d known they were true and that they were real for so many days, but I’d been scared out of my mind to say them out loud. If I kept them inside, then they were safe. They only belonged to me. By saying them out loud, she could choose to accept them or not.
Lea slowly swiveled her head to look at me. Her eyes were wide in the dark.
“What did you just say?” she whispered.
“I love you.” My voice was loud in my own ears.
Lea started to cry, and I pulled her into my arms. Was that good? Was that bad? Had I totally fucked this up?
“Are you okay?” I asked, rubbing my hands up and down her back.
“Yeah,” she sniffed. “I love you too, V. I love you so much. I think I’ve loved you for a long time.”
It was the same for me. I’d often wondered if my anger toward her was just misplaced and due to the fact that I’d been attracted to her and she’d been so off-limits. She’d been earnest and sweet and forbidden. I’d poisoned my own mind against her.
Not anymore.
