Since I was completely and totally focused on Lea, I cataloged every moment when she acted like we were a packaged deal. Like we were an established couple. I didn’t even think she knew she was doing it, which made it all the more confusing. Did she see us as a couple? We’d been so reluctant to talk about anything regarding feelings or chemistry or attraction.
Those almost kisses.
“Aw, look at them,” Lea said as we found the kittens asleep and curled up together.
“I don’t want to wake them, but I should get going.” I’d spent way too much time with her tonight, and I needed a breather to get myself together again.
“You don’t have to. I mean, you can stay. I’m not kicking you out.” Her eyes were wide, and her mouth was looking extra kissable at the moment.
Time to go.
She followed me out again and helped me get the kittens in the car, but I tried to keep some space between us.
“Will I see you at Pilates tomorrow?” she asked, her eyes wide and hopeful under the orange glow of a streetlight.
“You might. I’m not sure. We’ll see how I feel.” I didn’t want to seem too eager and give her the wrong impression.
Tonight had been a mistake. I’d reached for too much and now I had to lean back and put space back between us. For both of our sakes.
“Okay,” she said, her face falling. “Well, goodnight. Drive safe.”
“Will do.”
* * *
I gotup and decided not to go to Pilates. For one, I was exhausted from staying up all night and thinking about Lea, and for two, being around her so much fucked with my head. We needed a break from each other. Or at the very least I needed a break from her. Recalibrate. Reprioritize. Rethink.
I didn’t go to Pilates and I didn’t answer her messages that day, other than to tell her that I’d gotten home okay and I was just busy with work. Not a total lie, but my stomach still squirmed when I wrote the message.
The wedding was next weekend and for the first time, I seriously thought about calling everything off. Just not going at all. I hadn’t sent in my RSVP and I’d been getting passive aggressive email reminders about it from my mother. I’d also gotten a reminder in the mail. As if I was a regular guest and not her only daughter.
Professionally, things were fantastic. I’d been nominated for an audiobook award, I’d just gotten contacted by one of the authors I’d been hoping to work with for over a year to narrate a book, and I was absolutely on schedule with every single one of my projects.
My little online community of fellow narrators and voice actors was thrilled for me, but it all felt hollow.
I would be so glad when this damn wedding was over, and I could go back to normal. My job, my kittens, my house. I’d been wanting to do something with my garden since I bought it, but I’d never “had the time” before so now I was going to make it. Bring the kittens outside with me so they could get some fresh air.
I looked up soil and plants and hoses. I’d never really grown anything before. It would probably be a disaster, but at least I could try.
What more could I need? Kittens, garden, job. At least I wasn’t going out and marrying men for their money to buy houses and boats and vacations to places I didn’t care about.
I’d only ever asked my mother if she was happy once. She’d looked at me as if I’d suddenly spoken in a different language.
“Of course I’m happy. I have everything.”
It was in that moment I knew that we would never understand each other. Her words broke something inside me. In my youth, I’d definitely tried to win her approval. Getting good grades, being the best at art or music or sports. Once she didn’t notice, I’d try something else. It wasn’t until I was a little bit older that I knew that the only way she’d be happy with me was if I lived in her image. So I decided I never would. I became my mother’s adversary. Her ungrateful daughter. I declared war on her and everything she valued.
Yet she never cut me out completely. She always seemed to think she could convince me. Bring me back. Show me what I was missing. That’s what the wedding was about. Showing me what I could have if only I followed her rules. Behaved like a good daughter. If I did what she said, then I wouldn’t have to “struggle” at my “terrible job.” I’d have all the things I needed, and when my husband was gone, I could do whatever I wanted with my time. I wouldn’t be allowed to cheat on him, of course, because of the prenup’s rules about infidelity.
Fun fact, I learned the word “prenup” before I could even read a book. My home education started early.
Potential costumes for the kitties?
Lea wouldn’t stop sending messages to me. A lot of them were cat related. This time she’d sent me a picture of a cat wearing a taco costume and it was absolutely adorable. I fully planned on dressing Brit and Tana up for Halloween this year. Maybe even taking them around the neighborhood for fun. I bet the local kids would get a kick out of it.
Who was I? If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be thinking about cat Halloween costumes, I would have said you’d definitely mixed me up with someone else.
Definitely a cute ideaI responded because I couldn’t just…not talk to her. I could keep my distance and stop sending her videos and memes, but I couldn’t cut her off completely. As far as I knew, she was still coming to the wedding with me, but she hadn’t said anything about an outfit, and I needed to know about reimbursing her. We were getting down to the wire.
