“You weirdo.” Not that I didn’t enjoy eating pussy, but it was a different situation than eating ice cream. Firstly, the ice cream didn’t grab my hair and beg me not to stop.
“The ice cream is good. But it’s not the best.” James was still talking about sex.
“Stop it,” I said, shoving into her, but she just laughed.
“You’re happy,” I announced.
She was quiet for a moment and then she smiled and nodded. “I am. I really am.”
Her eyes were always lit up now. James had the glow.
Okay, I was a tiny bit jealous. But not because I wanted a girlfriend. I didn’t. I mean…maybe I did. I’d never had one before. I’d sort of dated, but I’d been so busy trying to figure out work that I hadn’t had anything left over. And dating just seemed so…terrifying.
Putting yourself out there and running the risk that you’d get rejected? That someone would decide they didn’t like you after you’d gotten all your emotions entangled? My heart wasn’t exactly pristine. It would be delusional of me to say that the instability with my parents from the day I was born didn’t have some sort of effect on how I viewed every one of my relationships.
I hadn’t exactly gone to therapy about it, but I’d done a lot of reading and analyzing my own emotions and it didn’t take a genius to figure out my reticence toward trusting people had an obvious origin.
My parents had been shitty role models and they’d married shitty role models and now I was left with a dented internal compass.
When I woke up in the middle of the night, and my deepest, meanest thoughts whispered to me, they said that I was broken too. That since my parents could never make anything work, I’d inherited that too. That even if I tried, I’d fail, like they had. It was in my DNA.
“You drifted off again,” James said, nudging me.
“Sorry. Too many thoughts in my brain.” I shook my head, trying to disperse them.
“Gross,” James said, making a face.
“Agreed.”
Chapter Eight
Vail
I wentto Lea’s Pilates class with sweaty palms and a racing heart. It wasn’t the exercise I was worried about though, it was the instructor.
In my anxiety, I’d showed up way too early, so I lurked in a deserted corner of the locker room and scrolled my phone, so I wasn’t the first one in the room. That would have appeared both pathetic and desperate.
I was those things, but she didn’t need to know that.
It was like I’d been possessed ever since I saw her again. I craved her in a disgusting way that would have been concerning if someone else I knew had told me they felt like this.
When it was finally time to go into class, I laid my mat in the back and tried to hunch down to be as inconspicuous as possible. I’d put my hair back in a braid and worn an all-black outfit, but the only way I could be invisible is if I discovered magical powers at this exact moment or if I left the room altogether.
The moment she entered into the room, I swore the air changed and I knew, even though the door was at my back. She was here and I had to put my hand on my chest to calm my heart.
This reaction wasn’t normal to seeing someone again after years apart. And I’d never acted like this in her presence before. Most of the time when we were teenagers, I’d avoided her at all costs. Hated when I saw her in the house. Hated that my room was next to hers and I could hear her moving around. Her presence was like an itch on my back that I couldn’t reach no matter how I twisted my arm.
Now she was like a glass of cold water and I was perpetually dehydrated.
I did my best to keep my eyes on my mat as she walked to the front of the room and set her things down. I allowed myself a glance at her bare feet. They were lovely, of course. Dainty toes painted a light blue that almost exactly matched her yoga pants. I couldn’t tell if she had a matching top on because I wasn’t looking any higher.
I froze as those feet crept closer to me and then paused at the edge of my mat, toes wiggling. Well now I had to look up.
“Hello,” I said, meeting her eyes as she stared down at me, her expression unreadable.
“Welcome to class,” she said, her lips twitching.
“Happy to be here,” I said, and then saluted her. Like a complete and total dork.
