“Isn’thopethe reason you went through all those IVF treatments?” Piper asks, her voice trying to pierce my fears and doubts. “Isn’t it the reason you even let Patton back into your life recently? Don’t even try to deny it. Even your stubborn ass has hoped and prayed for a way back to that man since you left him.”
“And the universe has made that happen,” Sarina says, her eyes softening. “Sis, it’s clear you both still love each other. Is telling him about this pregnancy going to change that? Because I bet he’ll be over the moon.”
I press my temples with my fingers, squeezing my eyes shut. “Yeah, sure. He’ll be over the moon.Temporarily. He’ll be over the moon until he has to fucking leave for the moon because there’s a new movie he wants to chase there. Or a mini-series. Or a documentary about hut building. Because there’s always something more pressing.”
Always something more importantthan me.
And this time, I don’t know if I’ll survive another goodbye.
“And what if this time is different?” I ask, wiping a traitorous tear that has the audacity to slip from the corner of my eye. “What if Iactuallyhave this baby? What then?”
What if my bodyactuallycooperates and does what it’s supposed to, and I make it to the third trimester?
“Wouldn’t that be a good thing?” Sarina frowns.
“Of course it would be a good thing! But Patton and I still haven’t defined anything between us. Not when he already told me he was only here temporarily. Over the past five weeks, we’ve been circling each other like confused planets, avoiding talking about the past and just focusing on whatever this is for now.”
I start to get up to find something else to organize, but Piper pushes me back down on the leather seat. “Stay. Sit. Talk, Neesh. Stop trying to hide from this.”
I wrap my arms around myself defensively. “Patton’s career will always call. And guess where that will leave me? Alone, doing two A.M. feedings by myself.”
And this time, I won’t even be able to fall apart.
“Jesus, babe,” Piper says, shaking her head. “You’re already planning your abandonment, and the guy doesn’t even know you’re pregnant yet.”
“Because he’ll leave! It’s what he does. I’ll always be second to his career.”
“That was seven years ago,” Sarina says gently. “Do you honestly think Patton still hasn’t realized his mistakes? That he’d leave you or the baby when you both need him?”
I shrug. “Who knows? But I can’t pin my future on the hope that he’s changed.”
“Yes, but you also can’t move forward holding so much resentment from the past,” Piper argues. “Give the man a real chance.”
“And don’t forget,” Sarina says, tucking a wisp of her curly hair behind her ear. “You left him, too.”
Wow. Leave it to a twin to show you the mirror.
Her words hit their mark, because any other argument dies on my lips, leaving me feeling like shit.
She’s right.
I left him, too—a man who was abandoned by his own mother because of the choices she made. A man who grew up bouncing around from one foster home to another, not knowing when he’d have to pack his bags.
And I just left him. With a letter.
It’s not that I’ve been oblivious to that until now—I knew what I was doing then, too. I just chose my grief over his trauma.
“God, I feel like such an asshole,” I whisper, my throat feeling dry. “I’ve spent the past seven years telling myself I was justified because he wasn’t there. But I wasn’t there for him, either.”
Piper crouches next to me, intertwining our fingers. “Which is why I think you both need to get all these things out on the table—unpack previous hurts, future plans. All of it. And I’ll tell you what else helps in situations like these?—”
“Your go-to solution of taking shots isn’t going to work in this case,” I deadpan. “I’m pregnant, remember?”
A smile plays on her lips, and I know it’s her way of diffusing the tension. “I wasn’t going to suggest shots . . . I was going to suggest some good old-fashioned fucking.”
I snort. “Why am I not surprised?”
“Dev and I had an argument last night about whether we should allow the rabbits to sleep in our bed. I was for, and he was against, because he’s a total square sometimes. Well, one thing led to another, and though we never came to a resolution, we didcome. . . many, many times.”
