“And now, it seems, I’ll have one less.”
I squeeze him tighter. “I love you, Daddy. Thank you for . . . for being you.”
He kisses my temple. “I love you, too, daughter. Now, go dry those tears and see if you can sneak off to get some vitamin D with your handsome Hollywood hunk here.”
I groan, knowing he doesn’t mean vitamin D from the sun.
twenty-six
nisha
Never Again, Baby
Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
Patton’s fingers tighten around mine as the sounds of her fast-paced heartbeats resound against the static, filling the silence inside the private ultrasound room.
The black-and-white image on the screen is almost indecipherable, but there’s no doubt about it—our baby is in there. A baby girl, if my intuition is correct.
It’s not typical to get an ultrasound at less than seven weeks, but with my history of fertility problems and miscarriages, my doctor wanted me to get a transvaginal ultrasound to ensure things were progressing as expected.
“Well, congratulations, Mom and Dad, everything looks perfect,” Dr. Gilbert says, adjusting the wand slightly to get a better view. “The embryo is measuring at about seven weeks, with a strong heartbeat. I’d say you both could start cautiously celebrating.”
I let out a breath, feeling a weight come off my shoulders. After my last miscarriage, I’d given up my dreams of becoming a mother, just like I’d given up knitting tiny baby booties and sweaters. I never imagined I’d be lying on another ultrasound table, listening to the beating of another heart, confirming lifegrowing inside me. But hearing Dr. Gilbert’s words floods me with so much relief, it’s almost disorienting.
For years, I’ve lived with the belief that pregnancy wasn’t in the cards for me, and I’d trained myself to stop wishing for something I couldn’t have, content to just be a good aunt to my nephew, instead.
But now, hearing that strong heartbeat and knowing she’s really in there, I’m remembering all over again how desperately I wanted this.
But celebrating and making big announcements? I’m not nearly ready enough for that. I’ll celebrate my heart out once this baby is actually in my arms, when this constant fear has finally transformed into the joy I’m too afraid to feel right now.
Patton brings our joined hands to his lips, brushing a kiss over my knuckles. His eyes stay fixed on the grainy image. We’ve been in this exact spot twice before, but this time feels fundamentally different. He’s completely present and invested, like nothing matters beyond this room.
The last time we were here, his phone vibrated nonstop in his pocket. And though he didn’t answer it, I remember his attention being split with each vibration, putting a damper on the moment.
Today, it hasn’t buzzed once.
In fact, I’ve noticed he puts it on some sort of hibernation mode whenever we’re spending time together, as if he’s creating a protected bubble just for us.
I remember writing those words on a list years ago—that I wished I meant more to him than any phone call, that he’d be present instead of just physically there. I hadn’t intended for him to find that list, and not only did he find it, but he took my words to heart and is showing me with every action how committed he is to me and our baby.
“We’re doing this, Little Borealis,” Patton whispers against the back of my hand, his eyes slightly glassy. “We’re really doing this.”
“I think so.” I swallow the fear creeping into my words. “I hope so.”
Because I don’t know if I can handle another loss . . .
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” Dr. Gilbert says, setting the wand aside and dimming the lights. “I know it’s a lot to process. Given your history, I can understand the trepidation as well, but I want to reassure you that things seem to be looking good. The less you stress, the better it’ll be for both you and the baby.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
“There are wipes on the counter right there for cleaning up.” She tips her chin toward a box of wipes. “Take your time. Just press the call button when you’re ready, and I’ll come back with your photos.”
She’s just about to exit when Patton stops her.
“Dr. Gilbert, just another question. Nisha and I are headed to Cabo in two weeks for her sister’s wedding. Are there any precautions we need to take?”
Dr. Gilbert glances over at me with a smile. “Congratulations to your sister on her wedding.”
