Him. This life.
Coworkers who have become best friends. A dog I can’t imagine not seeing every day. A man who can settle my nerves with nothing but a touch, and who truly cares for me.
Nothing about being here was planned, yet some days it’s as if someone coordinated all of this perfectly. I moved back to a town I thought I hated, only to fall in love with it again. Only to fall in love.
My phone rings loudly, the tone I set for Gran’s care facility stealing all of the peace and comfort I’ve come to find in this house. And when the voice on the other end calmly tells me I need to rush to see Gran, I do just that.
Amid the chaotic blur of doctors, nurses, and paperwork to be signed, I call Arthur no less than twelve times. Once it became clear I’d be finalizing end-of-life decisions today, and provisions would have to be made for Gran’s body, I knew I wanted him here. I only wanted him here. I needed him.Needhim. But he’s not picking up, and no one at the ranch knows where he is, so I’ve done it all alone. Like I’ve done just about everything else in my life.
After endless hours, my bones are weary, my head is starting to pound, and my eyes are bloodshot. I try Arthur one last time before I start my Jeep.
Nothing.
I drive in silence, unsure of where to drive to, but also knowing there’s only one place Icango. My mind wanders between where Arthur could be and whether or not I should start packing as soon as I get back. I wonder what I’ll write in my resignation letter and how much notice I’ll give. Probably no time at all, because the thought ofhaving to live and work with Arthur with a fixed end date makes my heart ache to the point that it’s hard to breathe.
In between every thought, though, there are the same recurring words:
I don’t want to go. I want to stay. I want to stay with him. Arthur.
And when a car runs a red light, there’s no time to react.
When everything goes black, he’s all there is.
Arthur.
THIRTY-FOUR
my promises might be well-intentioned, but they can be broken
Arthur
Every day, it feels like she’s about to tell me this is her last day here. Every morning, I wake up half expecting she’ll be gone. And every night, I wrap myself up in her, thankful for one more chance to keep her close, shoving the reminders that I haven’t given her my truth yet as far away as I can.
Except today, I couldn’t.
I tried to push those thoughts aside, tried to pretend like it hasn’t been eating me alive to know she lost someone—no, not someone, her mom—to addiction, and she’s been living with, sleeping with, an addict.
So I called an emergency meeting with Beau, who was more than willing to meet and let me sit in silence for a solid hour before I told him anything. Once I started, there was no stopping. I told him what Alice told me. It didn’t feel wrong because I know Beau won’t share that information with anyone, not even Josie. I told him what I’ve been feeling lately, that there’s this vise around my chest thatwon’t loosen, and I can’t take any more, and it makes me want to do something to forget about it all. Something I know I’d regret. Something I promised myself I’d never do again. But I’m an addict, and my promises might be well-intentioned, but they can be broken, especially if I don’t check-in at meetings and talk to my sponsor when I start to feel like this.
“It fucking sucks. I’ve never been this happy, but I know happiness has an expiration date, yet I can’t bring myself to be the one to end it. It’s no different than being high. You always know at some point, it’ll end. It can’t last forever, but it feels so fucking good you chase that feeling over and over and over. I know she’s going to leave, and I don’t care. I want to pretend it’s not happening, but that’s unhealthy as hell.” I shove my hands into my hair, pulling on the ends like it’ll somehow pull the answers to my problems out of my brain. “And she has no idea. I’m lying to her by omission. I’m intentionally keeping this massive secret from her because I’m an asshole.”
“Try again,” Beau offers in his deep voice.
“Because I’m fucking terrified.” My voice cracks, the fear seeping into my bloodstream making it hard to breathe. “I know I can’t keep her, but this will drive her away faster. I know it will.”
“No, you don’t. Youthinkit will.” He’s so calm, it’s almost infuriating.
“I’m pretty fucking certain. How could it not? And she’s been so stressed with her grandmother and things at work. I don’t want to add to her load. I can’t do that to her.”
Iwon’t.
I won’t cause her any more stress. Not now.
“You’re scared to lose her. You’re scared to cause her pain. But let me tell you something, Art, even if you’relucky enough to keep her, that’ll never change. And you’re going to have to figure out how to live with that.” He levels me with a look I know damn well because I saw it a lot when he first became my sponsor.
“I’m still scared Josie will leave my sorry ass. Scared I’ll be the cause of any more sleepless nights for her. But I have to trust her love, and I have to trust myself. She chose me through the worst of it, and she chooses me every day. So do I. I choose myself, too, because I want to be here for her. Because I choose life with her above life any other way.” He scratches his chin, and I know he’s about to really hit me with something now.
“Remember what I told you when I met you? You have to shift from ‘you are the problem’ to ‘youhavea problem.’ I think you sometimes still get stuck thinking you’re the problem. You’re not. Everyone has baggage. Did you want to walk away from her when she told you about her mom and grandma? No. I know you didn’t because you’re here. I know you didn’t because if anything, her opening up to you made you fall even more in love with her.”
