My mama laid right there in that brown casket with the shiny gold handles and the lil’ flowers carved in the side. I didn’t wanna look at her but I couldn’t stop lookin’ either. She lookedlike she was sleepin’ but not really ‘cause my mama never slept that still. She always moved a lil’ or breathed loud or turned her head like she wasn’t ever fully relaxed. But now she was layin’ there without movin’ even the tiniest bit and my mind didn’t know how to understand that.
People cried all around us, grown people with their hands over their faces and their shoulders shakin’. My aunties from my mama’s side was loud and dramatic, talkin’ about how she was too young and how it wasn’t fair and how God shoulda took the driver instead. My cousins was cryin’ too and one of them fell on her knees and my grandma had to help her up. My stepdaddy Trevior stood a couple rows behind us with that blank face he always had. It was the one that made me feel like he ain’t really see none of us even when we was right in front of him.
His sons Kazee and Varek stood next to him lookin’ bored. Kazee kept poppin’ his knuckles and rollin’ his eyes like he couldn’t wait to leave and Varek kept pullin’ at his collar like the church air was too hot. They ain’t cry. They didn’t even look sad. They just stood there like this whole day was an inconvenience and that made somethin’ crawl up my chest even though I ain’t know how to explain it.
Grandma Glo squeezed my hand again while the pastor said somethin’ about peace. I leaned into her leg a lil’ ‘cause her perfume smelled like vanilla and lotion and it reminded me of all those days she picked me up from school. She looked down at me with her eyes all soft and watery and whispered that everything was gon’ be okay. I nodded even though I ain’t believe her. I ain’t think anything was ever gon’ be okay again ‘cause my mama was gone and gone felt like a word I ain’t wanna learn but had to anyway.
When it was time to walk past the casket one last time, my grandma led me to the front and every step felt heavier thanthe one before. The closer I got, the more my stomach twisted ‘cause I ain’t wanna see her up close. I ain’t want that to be the last way I remembered her, but I still walked ‘cause my grandma’s hand kept movin’ me forward.
Mama had on one of her church dresses, the blue one with the tiny sparkles on the top. Her hair was curled pretty and her lips had that soft pink color she liked, but none of it made her look alive. I stared real hard tryna see if her chest was movin’ but it wasn’t. Her hands was folded on top of each other and they looked too still and too cold even though I ain’t touch them.
“Mama,” I whispered, even though I knew she wasn’t gon’ answer. “I’m here.”
My voice felt tiny like the words ain’t know how to come out right. My eyes burned a lil’ but the tears stayed stuck ‘cause I ain’t know how to make them fall. I ain’t know how to cry for real yet. Everything inside me was too full and too empty at the same time and I ain’t have the right way to let it out.
My grandma pulled me close and wrapped her arm around me while we kept standin’ there. She whispered a prayer I couldn’t fully hear but her voice made me feel a lil’ warmer. She kissed the top of my head and told me God didn’t make mistakes but I ain’t understand how this wasn’t a mistake. My mama got hit by a car. She was on her way to work. She didn’t do nothing wrong. She wasn’t sick or old. She was just gone ‘cause some stranger didn’t look both ways.
People behind us kept movin’ slow past the casket sayin’ they goodbyes, but I couldn’t move, so my grandma held me and let me stare until she finally guided me back to our seats.
The choir sang real soft and one of the ladies kept hittin’ high notes that made the whole church sniffle. I stared at the stained glass windows ‘cause the colors looked pretty and my mind needed somethin’ that ain’t hurt to look at. But even whenI looked away, my mama was still right there in my head, sleepin’ without breathin’.
When the funeral ended, people hugged me and told me if I ever needed anything to let them know, but none of that made sense to me ‘cause I ain’t even know what I needed. I just wanted my mama. I wanted her to tell me to stop runnin’ in the house, or grab my face and kiss my cheek, or yell at me for eatin’ too many snacks. I just wanted one regular day but God had already taken that away and He wasn’t givin’ it back.
The repass was held in a big room attached to the church. They had long tables covered in purple tablecloths and styrofoam plates stacked high at the end. People brought food from everywhere ‘cause that’s what families do when someone die. The table was filled with fried chicken, baked chicken, catfish, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, green beans, mashed potatoes with brown gravy, sweet potatoes, meatloaf, cornbread, black eyed peas, potato salad, spaghetti, rice and gravy, and deviled eggs. On the dessert table they had banana pudding, sweet potato pie, chocolate cake, lemon pound cake, and peach cobbler.
Normally I woulda piled my plate up ‘cause all that food smelled good, but today the smell made my stomach feel weird. My grandma fixed me a lil’ plate with mac and cheese, cornbread, and some baked chicken and she sat me at a table near the front where she could keep an eye on me. People kept comin’ up to her, talkin’ about my mama and askin’ when my daddy was gettin’ out of jail. I stared at my plate and poked the food with my fork even though I wasn’t hungry.
Trevior sat at a table across from us with Kazee and Varek. They had real plates full of food and they ate loud like they ain’t care who heard. Kazee kept laughin’ at somethin’ while Varek whispered in his ear. They ain’t look sad. They ain’t even looklike they was at a funeral. They just looked regular and that made me feel like somethin’ was wrong with them.
When the repass ended, everyone headed to this lil’ soul food spot down the street ‘cause that’s where the family wanted to eat together one more time before goin’ home. The place had wooden walls and old pictures of black celebrities on the wall and everyone talked real loud like they always did after funerals. They served fried pork chops, smothered chicken, rice, gravy, cabbage, dressing, yams, lima beans, hushpuppies, fried okra, and big glasses of sweet tea that was so sugary it made my teeth hurt.
I sat at the end of the table next to my grandma and kept my hands in my lap. My grandma kept whisperin’ that I ain’t have to eat if I didn’t want to and that I could just sit with her. I nodded ‘cause I didn’t wanna eat at all. My stepdaddy came over to check on me and he rubbed my shoulder real awkward like he ain’t know what to do. He told me to stay strong, then he walked away.
A few minutes later, Kazee came walkin’ past me on his way to the bathroom. He slowed down behind my chair and leaned close to my ear. His breath smelled like sweet tea and barbecue sauce and his voice dropped real low.
“You know she ain’t never comin’ back, right?” he whispered. “Yo mama gone forever.”
My whole body froze. My chest felt tight but not in that dramatic way. It was just in that confused hurtful way kids feel when somebody say somethin’ too real or too fast. I turned my head and looked him in the eyes. He didn’t smile. He didn’t look sorry. He just stared back like he wanted me to crumble ‘cause he knew I was the only girl in the house now and he liked the idea of me bein’ the smallest one.
I ain’t say nothin’. I just stared at him right back, my eyes wide and shiny, and I didn’t blink even though my throatfelt funny. I ain’t know how to fight him with words ‘cause everything inside me was too new and too raw, so all I could do was look at him like I was tryna understand why he wanted to be so cruel.
Varek came up behind him and muttered, “She cryin’ inside her head,” and they both laughed before walkin’ off.
I turned back toward the table and leaned my head against my grandma’s arm. She ain’t hear what they said but she could feel my body shift, so she wrapped her arm around me and kissed my forehead. I stared at my untouched plate while everyone else talked and laughed like this was just another family gathering.
My world felt different though. Everything felt like it had been pushed too far away from me, like I was watchin’ life happen from the outside and I ain’t know how to climb back in, but I knew one thing for sure… Even if my mama was gone forever, I wasn’t gon’ let nobody take the lil’ bit of strength I had left.
I leaned deeper into my grandma’s side and held on to her dress ‘cause she was the only person in the whole room who made me feel safe. And even though I ain’t know how to process any of this yet, I knew I was gon’ need her more than ever now, so I didn’t let go.
Greystone City
After my mama died, I moved through the world like somebody had turned the sound down real low even though everythingaround me was loud as ever. I was nine, and I ain’t understand how life kept goin’ when mine felt like it had stopped. I woke up the next mornin’ in my stepdaddy Trevior’s house, and the air felt different, like the walls already knew my mama wasn’t comin’ back. My bed was too big without her and the whole house felt cold even though the heat was on. Nothin’ about the place felt safe no more, but I ain’t have the words to say that. I just held my lil’ pillow close and tried to breathe regular ‘cause everything inside me felt too tight.
I had to stay with Trevior and his sons ‘cause I had nowhere else to go, and my grandma kept sayin’ she was tryna figure things out. She lived way across Greystone City and her house wasn’t in my school district, so she said she needed a minute to see what she could do. I ain’t like the thought of stayin’ in Trevior’s house without my mama, but I didn’t complain ‘cause nobody asked me what I wanted anyway. I ain’t even think I had the right to want somethin’ different.
Kazee and Varek didn’t treat me no better just ‘cause my mama was dead. If anything, they started botherin’ me more. Kazee was fifteen and tall with a mean smirk that never left his face, and Varek was thirteen and always followed behind him like a shadow. They acted like the house belonged to them alone and I was some stray that wandered in. They pushed me when I walked past, took my snacks when they saw them in the cabinet, and whispered stuff in my ear that made my stomach twist. Sometimes they spit on me when Trevior wasn’t around, and sometimes they said ugly things about my mama, tellin’ me she should have stayed home or that she died ‘cause she was careless. I ain’t know how to defend myself, so most days I stayed quiet and kept my head down, hopin’ they would leave me alone.
Trevior didn’t pay much attention to me. He worked long days, and when he was home he either slept or watched TVwith a cold beer in his hand. He never asked if I ate or if I needed help with homework. He never hugged me or told me he was sorry for my mama dyin’. He just acted like I was another thing he had to deal with, and that made me feel like a burden I didn’t know how to carry. So I learned to move around the house small and quiet, tryin’ not to be seen so I wouldn’t get hit or shoved or yelled at.
