“My name is Toni and I’m so fly
I eat hot Cheetos and I don’t know why.
When I wake up early I be lookin’ a mess
But I’m still that girl, so I still pass the test.”
One boy fell out laughin’ because I shook my hair at the end like I was in a music video. Even some kids from another class came over and started snappin’ their fingers like they was my fake backup dancers. I loved makin’ people laugh, and today it felt good because yesterday everybody was scared, and now it felt normal again.
Recess ended and we lined up for science. The teacher talked about clouds and weather, and I tried to focus, but my mind kept wandering even though everything was calm. I thought about Grandma Glo pickin’ me up yesterday and how her hand felt real warm when she held mine. I thought about Jaksonn and wondered if he was scared at the hospital. I thought about my mama workin’ both jobs and how tired she looked every mornin’.
By the time school ended, my head felt full.
When I walked out into the afternoon sun, I saw my grandma waitin’ by the fence again. She had on her church shoes even though she wasn’t comin’ from church, and she kept wringin’ her hands like somethin’ was wrong. She smiled when she saw me, but it wasn’t her regular smile. It was the kind that looked like she was tryin’ real hard.
“Come on, baby,” she said as she took my backpack off my shoulder.
We started walkin’ down the sidewalk toward the bus stop. The air had that hot smell the street get when cars been drivin’ all day, and the trees had lil’ pieces of paper stuck in them from somebody’s flyer. I kept lookin’ up at her because she felt different. She was holdin’ my hand too tight, and she kept swallowin’ like she was nervous.
“Grandma, what’s wrong?” I asked.
She paused a moment before answerin’. Her eyes looked wet on the sides like she had been holdin’ somethin’ in all day.
“Baby… your mama got hit by a car this mornin’,” she said, her voice soft and heavy at the same time. “She was on her way to work and the driver didn’t see her. They did everything they could but… she passed away.”
The words hit me like someone pushed all the air out of my stomach at once. My feet stopped movin’ even though my grandma kept gently pullin’ me forward. I didn’t cry. I didn’t make a sound. My ears felt warm and my chest felt slow, like everything inside me was movin’ far away.
“She gone?” I whispered.
My grandma nodded and squeezed my hand tighter.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel. I didn’t know if I was supposed to scream or fall down or cling to her. All I knew was somethin’ inside me felt empty, like a door opened and everything important slipped out before I could grab it. Mymama wasn’t perfect. She yelled sometimes and she worked all the time, but she was still my mama, and hearin’ she was gone felt unreal, like someone told me the wrong story.
We kept walkin’ because the buses was comin’, and the world ain’t stop even though my thoughts did. Cars kept passin’ and people kept talkin’, and it felt strange that everything was normal when somethin’ in my world had changed.
When we got to the bus stop, my grandma pulled me closer and rubbed my shoulder.
“I know this hurt, baby,” she said. “But you strong. You always been strong. You got that heale’s spirit in you. You gonna get through this.”
I nodded even though I didn’t know how. The bus pulled up with a loud rumble and we got on. I sat next to her and leaned into her side because her warmth felt like the only thing holdin’ me together.
As the bus rolled down the street, I looked out the window at the houses and stores passin’ by. People was livin’ their regular lives, and it made me feel even smaller, like my sadness didn’t have anywhere to go.
My grandma held my hand the whole ride and kept whisperin’ prayers under her breath. I didn’t understand all the words, but the way she said them made me feel safe.
We got off the first bus and walked down the block to catch the second one. The sun had started fallin’ lower, and the sky looked orange like somebody painted it. My grandma looked down at me and brushed some lint off my jacket.
“You not alone, baby,” she said. “You got me, alright.”
I nodded again and squeezed her hand this time. Her rings pressed against my fingers but the heaviness of them felt comforting.
We walked the rest of the way down the street together, quiet but connected, and even though the day felt confusing andsad, holdin’ her hand made me feel like maybe I wasn’t fallin’ apart inside as much as I thought.
And that’s how we went home, hand in hand, both of us knowin’ life had changed, even if I couldn’t understand it yet…
Greater New Hope Missionary Baptist Church
Today we was buryin’ my mama and everything inside me felt mixed up like somebody shook my whole world around and didn’t bother puttin’ nothin’ back where it belonged. I held Grandma Glo’s hand real tight ‘cause it was the only thing in this whole church that felt familiar and safe. Her palm was warm and soft and she rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand while the pastor kept talkin’ about life and heaven and God callin’ people home. I tried to listen but the words felt too big for my head and they floated all around me without landin’ nowhere that made sense.
