I stare at that last sentence after I send it.Looking forward to it? Since when do I look forward to difficult conversations?
Nina: Fair warning. I may have been engaging in kitchen therapy this morning.
Me: Kitchen therapy?
Nina: It’s like retail therapy, but in the kitchen and rather productive since I run a bakery. Also it smells better.
Despite everything, I find myself smiling at her little speech bubble.
Me: What did youbake?
Nina: Cinnamon rolls, cupcakes, chocolate mousse. Something I’m calling “confusion cookies” because I’m not entirely sure what I put in them, but they turned out surprisingly good.
Me: “Confusion cookies” sound about right for this situation.
Nina: My thoughts exactly. See you at two?
Me: See you then.
After I put my phone down, I realize I’m still smiling. Which is problematic because I should be focused on finding a solution to this mess, not enjoying text conversations with my accidental wife.
I call my lawyer. “Brad, it’s Lane Sheridan. Happy New Year and all that. I need some advice.”
“Lane! Congratulations, man. I saw the video. Very romantic. Wasn’t expecting that. Didn’t know you had it in you after—” He’s well-versed in the Xoe breakup debacle because she had some fly-by-night attorney contact him about alimony. We weren’t even married, but the woman tried to bleed me for every penny.
“It’s not what you think.”
Twenty minutes later, after explaining the entire hypnosis situation, his tone has shifted from congratulatory to concerned.
“You’re telling me you got married in Vegas, but not because you were impulsive or ...” He pauses delicately. “Under the influence?”
“We were hypnotized.”
“But the marriage is legal?”
“According to the hypnotist, yes.”
Brad is quiet for a long moment. “I’ll perform due diligence, but I’m going to be honest with you. This is unusual. I’ll have to do some research, but if you signed the paperwork and went through a legal ceremony, even under hypnosis, the state of Nevada probably considers it valid.”
“What are my options?”
“Annulment or divorce. Annulment would be faster, but you’d have to prove fraud or coercion, which might be difficult given that you both appeared willing on the video. Divorce is more straightforward but takes longer.”
“How much longer?”
“Weeks. Maybe months, depending on how cooperative you both are.”
Weeks. During which I’d be legally married to a woman I barely know.
Brad continues, “The video has gone viral. The whole story is everywhere. If you immediately file for annulment or divorce, it’s going to look ...”
I can almost hear Vinny scolding me after everything he and the PR team had to do last year after I went off-grid. “Bad,” I finish.
“Really bad. Like you used this poor woman for publicity and then threw her away. That kind of narrative could further damage your reputation, especially with your career situation being what it is.”
My career situation. Right. The injury, the trade, the constant question marks about whether I’m still elite-level material.
“You sound like my agent.”
