He paces back and forth on the Jamshidi rug in the muddy barefoot sneakers he wears to walk from the dock to the house when he goes rowing. I hadn’t noticed before. He must’ve come straight from the river.
I’ve never seen him like this. He glares at me, opening his mouth and sucking down a deep breath, just for nothing to come out, and then grimacing, baring his teeth as he pivots to stalk in the other direction. Every one of his muscles is strained. He’s holding his hands with his fingers spread like if he let them clench, he’d start throwing punches.
For some reason, the sight sends the blood that was inflating my head surging back down into my veins, speeding my pulse, grounding my body. He’s losing it, and my nervous system finds it calming.
Finally, he gives his head a furious shake like he gives up on articulation, and he stops in his tracks, faces me, and shouts, “What the actual fuck, Cora? Jesus motherfucking Christ! How could you— Why? Why, goddamn it? I had fixed it!” The last bit he roars.
His hands curl into fists. A wild delight fills my heart. He’s so incandescent with rage, he’sglitching.
I don’t know exactly how, butIbrokehim.
I basically float to my feet. “Whywhat? How could Iwhat?”
“You lied to me!” he roars. “Youbetrayedus.”
My breaking smile almost splits my face. “How does it feel, Adrian?How does it feel?”
His chest heaves, his shoulders rising and falling, but he’s frozen in place, fuming, trapped by the punches he wants to throw but can’t and the scream he can’t afford to let out. Oh, I know how that feels.
I keep going. “I didn’tbetrayyou. This isn’t a relationship. It’s atransaction. I look and act like the person you want me to be, and you don’t give enough of a shit to care that I’m faking. And if it falls apart, we part ways, and it doesn’t affect your life in any way.”
“You’re not going anywhere!”
“You haveno say. You don’t own me. None of this is real.” Oh, this feels good. I’m not floating; I’m solid on my feet. I stalk over to the fire and pick up a framed picture from the Marmoso mantel.
“Put that down!” he bellows.
He starts toward me, and I grab a poker, leveling it at him while I examine the photo from our wedding day. I lookimpossibly perfect. My hair glows in the sun like a dandelion, and adoration pours from my eyes. Adrian beams down at me like the proud owner of a brand-new exclusive supercar.
I toss the picture into the fire.
“Cora!”
“All of this is because of you! I’m losing my girls because of you!” I grab another picture and fling it into the fire. Glass shatters.
“Get away from there!” he roars.
He hovers, shifting his weight from foot to foot, but he doesn’t make a move to grab the poker. He could take it easily. He’s faster and stronger, but he stays back. Why?
I toss another picture, and the fire spits.
“Just back up, for fuck’s sake!” He raises his arms like he’s guarding me in basketball, like he’s looking for his opening.
Oh, he’s worried because I’m so close to the open flame. Good. I hope he chokes on it. I hope he sweats, wondering what I’ll do next, what I’m capable of. I hope he thinks back on the pretty picture of his perfect wife and feels exactly what it’s like to lose a thing you never really had.
I reach for the next picture, but I’m pregnant with Pearl in it. I scan the rest. They all have the girls in them. I search the room. Christmas ornaments. Books. Lamps.
I’m not done, and I’m not out of control. I’m notintrouble. Iamtrouble. I’m not the lovely, sweet, amenable girl who never got anything but grief from it—I’m the whirlwind. I’m going to burn it all down, piece by piece.
My eye catches on a book shelf. Plato’s collected works. That’ll do.
I toss the poker at Adrian, and as he bats it away, I duck around him, racing for the shelf. I grab the book and shake out the flattened bouquet. Blue and yellow petals flutter tothe floor. I swoop it up and dart back to the fire. Adrian steps into my path, his eyes zeroing in on the dried flowers clutched in my fist.
His blazing eyes rise to mine, something raw dawning in them.
I dodge to the side and spike the bouquet into the fireplace.
He spins.
