Honestly, he’d fucking kill me if he were still alive with the massive temper tantrum I just pulled. The glossy black Malibu was his pride and joy, and I used it as a weapon to slay our enemy and get even with a prick who threw some pretty holes in the metal.
Holes that currently match the ones carved out in my heart.
I’m burying Levi today, and I’d take his verbal beating if I could just see his face and hear his voice one more time. Anything other than seeing his lifeless body laid out in front of me. His face completely at peace and his massive body perfectly still.
Gone.
I debated having a closed casket again, but I also wanted to say goodbye and look at his face when I did. Maybe reality will set in.
Perhaps it’ll make it worse.
My fingers curl over the door of Levi’s car as the looming deadline of getting to the cemetery eats me alive.
I don’t want to do this.
I can’t do this.
I failed you. Matteo is still alive.
Tears burn the backs of my eyes as I clench them shut and drop my head. I can feel a wrecked sob working its way up my throat, but it’s probably better for it to happen now rather than later. I don’t want to be an absolute wreck in front of Mae and Ellie.
I don’t wish for them to see me destroyed beyond repair.
Thinking I can’t get over this.
Thinking I’m never going to.
I’m a broken shell of words never said, things that will never be, and memories that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Another funeral.
Two in one year.
Two men who have been my entire world.
Placing a hand on my stomach, I know I’ll feel nothing there, but I wish for some comfort all the same.
Levi.
If I keep the baby, and it’s a boy…I’m naming them Levi.
My jaw aches as I fight back a whimper I know will turn into something more. I’m beyond grateful Cairo and Ozzy gave me the space I needed today—even though it didn’t look like they wanted to. I’m assuming, since The Nameless have been accompanying me, they were comfortable enough with me going to the garage to grab Levi’s car.
Now, I just need to get myself together and handle today.
Slowly, I focus on only my breathing, but air evades me. It won’t allow me some small amount of ease amongst the chaos coursing through my body. I have no choice but to operate without my pillar and best friend.
Without Dad.
I’m not sure how I’m going to do this.
I fucking need him.
I’m never going to look into those green eyes again and tell him how sorry I am. That I love him to the moon and back, and nothing will ever change that for me. No one in this world will make up for him in my head.
“I swear to God, if I knew you were gonna fuck up my car, I wouldn’t have faked my own death.”
My eyes fly open at the deep voice that just rumbled through the air before I jolt, causing all the hair on my body to stand on end.
