"Throw up?" I asked in shock with an awkward smile,
"Yeah." He replied leaning his head back,
"Like right now?" I asked again because ohfuck-
"Yeah like right now." He said looking up at me with glassy eyes,
"Oh yeah shit that's a side effect of having an anxiety attack, I'll be back with some tea," I ran a single hand through his hair, "You're not going to be sick just try to focus on your breathing," I assured him but I could see it on his face, he looked so pale, he didn't even reply.
"Stand up and come with me to go get some tea okay?" I asked reaching out my hand but he shook his head no in refusal. "Why not?"
"parce que si je me lève je vais vomir par terre." He murmured slightly irritatedly shutting his eyes with dizzinessbecause if I stand up I'm going to throw up on the floor.
"Ha ha sure okay got it!" I grinned nervously, "I'll be right back, don't go anywhere."
I made my way to the kitchen and brewed two cups of chamomile green tea.
When I returned to the bedroom he was in the bathroom with the door shut and when I heard himactuallythrowing up I cringed, but this wasn't the time for that. I didn't know it would get this bad and if I knew I wouldn't have told him he was just overreacting. This is what stress does, it eats at you until you have nothing left to give. I was angry at myself and I was angry at Monsieur Ettiene for being such a shitty human and pushing him way too hard. It was time for me to just be there for him.
"Was my cooking that bad?" I chuckled, but I realised this wasn’t the time for my shitty nervous jokes either. I knocked on the door and at first, he refused to let me in but I insisted and he did so.
I kneeled down next to him and rubbed slow circles on his back as he gagged and somehow managed to throw up the little he'd eaten tonight turning away from me. I brushed his dark hair away from his face and he thanked me with his eyes. I tried my best to calm him down and pour him a glass of water, he drank a little bit but it immediately came back up and I felt horrible for him.
I brushed his hair back once more so it didn’t get in his face and he leaned his tired head against my shoulder.
"I can't- Ican'tkeep up." He spoke so softly I almost couldn’t hear him,
"I know," I hushed, "It's okay."
He lurched forward once more and his eyes watered when nothing came up.
"There's nothing left for you to throw up, try and take some deep breaths okay?" I hummed and he shut his eyes,
That's when I began to rummage through his cabinets until I foundexactlywhat I was looking for.
I found the bottle labelled hydroxyzine that had his name on it, it was an anxiety medication. I handed them to him and he looked up at me.
"I'm not taking those." He refuted,
"It'll make you feel better, you don't have to be brave all the time-notfor me River," I assured him and he took one reluctantly.
“You couldn’t spare yourself all of this you know?” He groaned, “If you just stayed away from me like I’d asked, you wouldn’t have had to learn about all the ugly.”
“Do your worst, Kennedy.” I challenged him. “I can handle ugly, I know it all too well.”
“You can’t mean that…”
“Oh.” I hummed kissing his forehead, “But I do.”
I got up and brought a few blankets and pillows into the bathroom and made a makeshift fort. We lay down and talked, talked everything through. Just me and him, I liked it this way.
"Qu'est-ce que j'ai fait pour te mériter?" He asked,what did I do to deserve you?
"J'y pense tout le temps aussi, j'y pense, je ne te mérite pas non plus." I think about it all the time too,I think about how much I don't deserve you either.
Chapter 23
We Are One
