"I may have been sceptical at first of her little hobby." There it was again,little hobby, "But only a fool wouldn't be able to see that my Armani has got a natural talent for the arts, have you not seen her paintings in the house brother? how could I not encourage my only daughter to follow her passions?"
"It's unconventional and what space does the art industry have for African women these days?" Uncle Omani questioned and he was right, they probably didn't realise but all the questions they were asking right now I'd asked myself years ago.
What space did the art industry have for women of colour these days? What space did the art industry have for women of colour....ever? I was on a mission not to merely ask to be considered no— I woulddemandtheir attention and who were they to deny me? I'd allowed myself to slip up once yes, but never again I wouldn't allow myself to fall prey to failure again. I had to admit constantly being compared to and competing against the guy you liked could take a toll on you.
"Why are you speaking as though Armani is not right in front of you, oh?" Jaadi asked and mama shot him the death glare and he was immediately silent,
Thank youI mouthed to him and he smiled, he was my little superhero always coming to my rescue. It's a shame it had to be from our own family.
"I see you have passed on that sharp tongue of yours to your poor brother hm?" Mama spat and I couldn’t help but lose my cool this time,
"It'd be easier to blame me, wouldn't it? than to actually accept the fact that maybe he's growing up and starting to see things— scratch that,youfor who you really are. And perhaps he doesn't like what he sees." I commented silently so only she could hear me,
"Hold your tongue-" Mama began but I was so damn tired of it all,
"Or what?" I scoffed "Are you going to hit me again? I'm eighteen years old now mama, huwezi kuniumiza tena." I spoke to her in Swahili which I rarely ever did and my statement took her by surprise as I stood up to wash my plate.You can't hurt me anymore.
I made my way upstairs with Jaadi to open up the package he'd received, we plopped down on his bed as he tore off the tape and cardboard and to his surprise, he found one of the model toy trains he'd been admiring in the catalogue. I'd seen it and it was an expensive one at that, it was made of silver and had a clean coating of marine blue paint and even had his name engraved at the bottom. I couldn't even imagine how much money aunty Fatima had spent on this gift, It was so thoughtful of her.
"I can't believe this is real!" Jaadi exclaimed excitedly, already beginning to piece all the parts together.
"Well believe it, because it's yours now and you mustn't forget to call aunty Fatima tomorrow to thank her for your gift," I explained and he nodded enthusiastically in agreement,
"Of course, this is an original model X, it's an exact replica of the 1945 Blue Eagle!" Jaadi rambled on and on about a bunch of train technology I didn't understand but I pretended to because it made him happy to know that someone was listening.
I got the sense that no one had done that in a while since I left. And I knew better than anyone that sometimes all you needed was for someone to hear you.
I had someone who heard me too, but I may never see him again and It was getting hard to pretend that that wasn't breaking my heart. Tears began to pool in my eyes watching Jaadi play with his new toy train and how happy he was. It made me remember how happy I was in Paris with my friends and how I'm supposed to be back in class on Tuesday and my flight was supposed to leave today.
"Are you okay Armani?" Jaadi asked,
"Of course I'm fine, just allergies, have fun with your new train I'm going to get ready for bed!" I dismissed as cheerfully as I could sniffling and wiping away a tear that nearly fell down my cheek.
"Okay, goodnight!" He said as I closed the door and headed to my room.
The first thing I did was log onto my computer and email River again in the hopes that he was awake, which he probably wasn't but it was still worth a try.
TO:River Kennedy
FROM:Armani Nnandi
SUBJECT: I’m losing hope
My flight was supposed to leave today and my parents are acting like nothing happened, like they aren’t crushing my dreams. Ugh God I’m so sorry I’m emailing you this late, but I have no one else to talk to who would understand.
Please be there to understand?
TO: Armani Nnandi
FROM: River Kennedy
SUBJECT: Don’t
I’m always here to understand.
Even though for the record I was asleep haha. There is still time for them to change their mind, don’t give up before you’ve even tried.
TO:River Kennedy
