“River.” I sighed placing my hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes leaning into my touch, I swiped my hand over his bottom lip and I felt a shiver course through him.
“Just kiss me.” He asked and then my lips met his, and they never once wanted to part.
I'd just awoken from a nap when I heard my cell phone begin to ring, it was mama- ofcourse, it was her. She hadn't done her weekly phone call to make sure I'm still alive yet. And unfortunately for her, indeed I was. I sighed and held the phone to my ear,
"Mama, I haven't heard from you in a while." I greeted sarcastically,
"It has only been a week ne?" She retorted and I smiled knowingly,
"Exactly." I said matter of factly but I didn’t think she getting the joke so I changed the subject, "How is home?"
"Home is good, your aunty Fatima flew in to see us last week and she was staying in your old bedroom, she's thinking of sending over her son- your cousin Jacob to stay with us for a while. She and her husband are having problems at home." Mama told me and I recalled how Aunty Fatima's husband had put her into this situation once before.
It's hard for a lot of women to get out of relationships when they aren't financially independent. Apparently, aunty Fatima is only staying with him for the sake of her son, so if she sends him over to stay with my parents then she'll stand a better opportunity to leave him once and for all. And I genuinely hope she does, she deserves better than a man who dares to lay his hands on his wife.
"You should take Jacob in mama, give her a chance to sort things out with uncle," I suggested and mama sighed on the other end of the phone,
"I guess Jaadi could use the company of another Kenyan boy his age, papa and I will think about it. It's only that things have been hard at the company lately and feeding another mouth wasn't exactly on our budget." Mama told me, I'd known things at papa's company weren't doing well this month.
"Whatever you chose to do, I understand," I assured her,
"You have a good heart taa yangu ya kwanza, this will either be your greatest strength or your weakness." Mama always called me that, taa yangu ya kwanza means my first light- because I was her first child. "We got your exam results back via email yesterday, I thought you told us you were studying hard?"
I'd gotten A*'s on nearly every subject except for trigonometry and Geography, I'd gotten a C and B in those. My parents couldn't stand the thought of me failing because it meant that I'd be failing them. And it's not like I hadn't been studying, I'd been doing that the entire damn week and it still wasn't enough. I hated that none of my efforts were ever really enough for them, sometimes I wished that just doing my best was all they'd ask. But that was just as likely to happen as hell freezing over.
"I tried mama, I'll do better next time ninaahidi,"I promisebut she remained unbothered,
"Trying isnotenough for women like you and I, you must come out on top." Mama asserted,
"But mama all I'veeverdone is try!" I burst out and immediately regretted it, placing my hand over my mouth.
"You willnotraise your voice at me Armani Oyana Nnandi. You will simply listen and do as you're told as we sent you there to do. We expect better from you next timemuchbetter." Mama scolded, and then there was a beat of silence, "Are you coming home for the Thanksgiving holidays?"
I'd wanted to but now I was not so sure, maybe I didn't want to see my parents again, maybe I needed a break to breathe and be free from their constant grasp on my life.
"I don't know." Was all I could think to say, " I'll probably be buried in my textbooks making sure I domuchbetter."
And then I did something I probably shouldn't have, I hung up on her- for thefirsttime. And it felt strangely empowering to have the last word with her, I never had. Sometimes I just needed her to be my mom, to hear me out, to have that unconditional love we are all told our moms are supposed to feel for us— ‘that love at first sight’ type of love from the day we're born. I don't think my mother had that, I think that from the day I was born I was nothing but a responsibility to her.
I decided I would spend the rest of the day actually studying trig and Geo because unfortunately my subconscious was tuned in to obey mama's every command. I was eighteen for Christ's sake and I still couldn't rebel, I had this constant feeling that she was watching me. It was beyond exhausting, at some point Keomi came in and asked me why on earth I was studying when we'd only just gotten done with exam week.
I told her I didn't know.
2 weeks later, Tuesday 23rd November
Fabian and I hadn't really spoken since Halloween and I couldn't blame him for it, he'd been avoiding both River and I every opportunity he got. Be it to wash his cat, finish homework or even go fishing- he'd used all the excuses in the book. Everyone kept saying that it would just be best to give him time, but just how much time is the time someone needs to get over the girl he liked choosing one of his best friends over him?
Keomi and I were curled up on her bed watching Skins again, I wondered why this show had a thing for killing off all the best main characters. I always found myself getting so attached to characters from tv shows that I would probably never meet, it was like I saw them through a screen and I wanted to go in with them because they brought me comfort. I did the same with Katniss Everdeen from the hunger games and Harry Potter and every character from the breakfast club.
It was merely because to my younger mind their lives seemed so much more interesting and I wanted more than anything at the time for me to look in the mail one day and receive my letter to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. But that day never came, instead, I got my acceptance letterhere.
And that sure as hell opened up Pandora's box.
"Oh come on I'm turning nineteen this year and even I still want to be Effy Stonem!" Keomi whined and I laughed,
“Trust me when I say no you do not,” I stated.
"Tony was hot though.” I pondered but she cut me off and pausing the laptop,
