“Please beat yourself up about it more,” River said and Merilla snorted a not-so-discrete laugh, and I swatted his shoulder.
“Could you not?” I warned. “He feels bad enough as it is.”
"It could've been worse." River mentioned getting up and placing a cushion beneath my foot,
"Thanks, for um everything." I smiled and he didn’t say anything to that, he just wandered back to his room.
And then it felt like forever before Geneviève stopped whining about her ruined pack of peas.
The night came along much faster than I'd anticipated and we'd all gathered in the living room to watch a movie, I picked out an old French movie I loved to watch with mama as a girl, Jules And Jim. It was a drama that followed two friends as their 30 years of friendship developed into something more. In my opinion, it was a classic and a movie that once you watched you'd never forget.
Gene, River, and I were seated on the couch while Mer, Keomi, and Fabes were curled up in a blanket on the floor beneath us. The television was one of those old CRT ones from the nineties and the resolution wasn't perfect but it gave the movie a perfect feel.
"This was my favourite movie growing up, I can probably recite it word for word," I told them and Keomi looked at me like she just remembered something.
"That's crazy, that was Jace's favourite movie too," Keomi exclaimed, her pretty brown eyes twinkling with a sense of melancholy.
"Keomi, not now," Mer warned in a whisper and Keomi sighed, turning to face the front.
I couldn’t imagine how exhausting it must be not to talk about someone who meant so much to you, didn't they ever get tired of pretending like nothing happened? This wasn't a healthy way of coping with loss. I turned to look at River to see if he had anything to say on the matter but he kept this unreadable expression, his unwavering feline blue eyes remained on the screen. Geneviève leaned in and whispered something to him inaudible to me, she gazed up at him waiting for a reply and he simply shook his head.
"Hey, why don't we watch a different movie, there's a James Bond film showing on Channel 5," Fabian suggested,
"Yeah, that sounds good," Mer added, as Fabian tuned in to a different channel.
After about ten minutes into The Spy Who Loved Me, I shifted my gaze to River once more, and even though it was dark and I could only really see his eyes I could tell that he may be looking directly at the TV but his mind was far from where we were. I looked down at my hand that lay beside his and I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if I could just graze my fingers against his, maybe then I could see what he saw, feel whatever he felt. If I could only feel the tenderness of his palm then maybe I could understand. River shut his eyes a moment too long and I wondered if he somehow heard my thoughts.
Hear me,I thought to myself,this silence slaughters me.
But before I could even think of reaching for the touch he got up from the couch and left for his room. I wanted to get up and ask him if he was okay but Gene stopped me with a hand,
"Sit down." She directed, not spitefully for once,
"Just give him some space." Keomi smiled sympathetically placing a hand on mine.
"I don't understand..." I muttered to myself trying to unscramble my thoughts,
"It's notforyou to understand, you do realise that not everything revolves around you right?" Gene leaned in and whispered to me,
"Of course I do, but do you?" I retorted and drew my attention back to the television.
I didn't even realise I'd fallen asleep on the couch, I woke up and I was covered in a thick woollen blanket I didn't remember throwing over myself. I was tossed out of my sleep by the sound of the oven timer going off. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and got a clear image of the scene in front of me.
I took notice of River cooking something up in the kitchen, I sat up and his gaze caught mine, I looked at the clock on the wall, it was 3 AM. I couldn't wrap my head around why he was awake and cooking in the middle of the night.
"I didn't mean to wake you." River said, his voice soft,
"It's okay." I yawned, tossing the blanket off me, "Why are you awake?"
"I am trying to get off of the pills, et ce n'est pas facile."
It's not easy, he told me and I wondered how long he'd been up for, or if he ever really went to bed.
I decided then that I wanted to cheer him up in any way that I could.
I made my way into the kitchen and poured myself a steaming mug of coffee before plopping myself down on the countertop and taking a long sip.
"What're you doing?" River asked taking what I assumed was grilled mushrooms out of the oven,
