He could feel my body shiver under his touch and he lifted an eyebrow in surprise, I didn’t know if it was the wonder that this was all so new to me or that it was really him having this effect on me. “Reste calme,” He insisted asking me to relax. “It’s just you and me.”
River's hands wandered up slowly to the hem of my shirt and I raised my arms so he could lift the piece of material effortlessly off of my body. His hands were almostpainfullypatient,agonizinglysensual and I wanted nothing more than for them to never leave my body.
“This isn’t sexual right?” I asked him and he gave me an innocent yet conniving glare.
“No, it’s not.” He assured me then leaned in to whisper in my ear in a manner that left me breathless. “If it was you would know and wouldn't be able to form an even remotely coherent sentence.”
"Is that so?" I hummed.
"No this is not even remotely sexual." He assured me. "Well, not this time anyways."
This time?Declare me utterly Intrigued.
River held my gaze as he unhooked my white bra and slid it off and the second his eyes met my bare breasts I couldn't help but feel self-conscious as I rushed to cover myself up with my hands but River was faster stopping me by gently placing his hands on my wrists.
"Tu es très belle," River spoke almost breathlessly,you are very beautiful.And I felt like it. "Say it."
"River I-" I began but he cut me off,
"Say it, and feel it." He persisted,
"I am beautiful," I said and he smiled taking his bottom lip between his teeth and turning away.
“Yes, you are.” He assured me.
He lit the candle beside me for better lighting and made his way over to his seat across from me, the easel was turned so I couldn't see what he was painting.
"I see you in my dreams all the time.." River confessed and I watched his left hand make delicate strokes on the easel, I never noticed he was left-handed. "It's always the same dream; It starts with me in a labyrinth of sorts and I'm searching for you. I know you're hiding from me in the darkness, and a part of me knows you don't want me to find you. And yet somehow I always do and every time I see you or touch you, you disappear." His eyes met mine, his stare was long and he paused before he continued. "You're wearing a gold and white dress, it's clean and pure and every time I touch you it turns black...like I've tainted you."
“It’s just a dream,” I told him.
“They’re never just dreams.” He refuted shaking his head.
"For how long?" I asked, I needed to know, “Have you been dreaming about me?”
"Since I met you. It doesn't stop and tonight I couldn't bear it so I had to paint you, It's the only way I know how to deal with everything." He said switching from dark blue to brown paint, “I had a friend once.”
“A friend?”
“Yes. But he…passed away. I had never lost anyone I cared about before him, it wasn’t easy.”
“Look River you don’t have to talk about it—”
"No, I want to. Painting; it's the way that I dealt with Jace's death and it's the only thing I know, to paint. When he died I was in the darkest place I'd ever been in my entire life, It was like there was this force pressing down on me, this emptiness I couldn't quite escape and I don't know why I'm telling you all of this but-" River paused like he had to reach to a place deep inside him to get the words out,
“Take your time.” I insisted and he seemed surprised by my patience, he looked at me in a way he never had before.
"I couldn't do much except art, I was living at my parents' house at the time and the walls of my childhood bedroom were plastered with paintings I couldn't remember painting. That's how bad things got and I didn't tell them when he died, so when they heard they came home and their only son was quite literally driving himself insane." He expressed with a sad laugh.
My heart ached for him, and it took everything I had not to race over to him and try to somehow take his pain away. It was bizarre, how I could feel his pain in place of him, it scared me that I cared for him that much. I wanted to speak, but I knew it was best to let him speak, to let him talk for once.
"I was put on Prozac by our family doctor-".
"Prozac?" I asked not sure what he was talking about,
"Fluoxetine, an antidepressant." He clarified and my heart sank, I couldn't believe he was telling me this.
"I was on them for months and the side effects were that not only did they make me numb and senseless, but I couldn't sleep. A lot of people don’t realize that the job of antidepressants isn’t to make you happy, it’s just to make sure you don’t feel any overwhelming emotions that might lead you to do something you might regret. And a part of me didn't want to sleep regardless, because I was afraid that if I slept." He paused swiping the brush across the canvas, "I would wake up, and that I'd be alone again. I recognize that that's utterly depressing and grim but it's the truth— it'smytruth Armani."
