“So, what changed that last time when you refused to give in? Why did you stand your ground on that occasion?”
“Because she was never going to change, and neither was I. And look what happened. I as good as killed her.”
“Do you truly believe that?”
“Yes, or I wouldn’t say it.”
He picked up his pen and jotted a note. “You’ve carried Caroline’s life, and her death, like it was your penance, but her choices weren’t yours to control. If someone’s drowning, you can dive into the pool or the river or lake and try to save them, but if they keep pulling you under, both of you drown. That’s not love, Joz. That’s martyrdom.”
The words hit like a physical punch. I wrapped my arms around my middle. “If I’d stayed, she’d be alive.”
He edged forward, eyes sharp. “And do youknowthat? Like, with a hundred percent certainty?”
I blinked, the conviction I’d held on to for eight years faltering. “I… well, no. I don’t know that. Not a hundred percent.”
“Exactly. Your brain has convinced you she’d still be here, but it’s lying to you. I didn’t know Caroline, but I’ve met many people like her over the years. My guess is that she was hurting long before the two of you met. You couldn’t have saved herno matter what you did. The truth is, we have to want to save ourselves, then take action to make it happen.”
The room blurred. My chest ached, like every belief I’d held on to was being ripped from my body without anesthetic. “Then, why the fuck does it still feel like it was my fault?”
“Because guilt is easier to deal with than grief.”
Silence roared in my ears. “But I never loved her. Not like I love Aspen.”
“Grief comes in many forms, Joz. I think a part of you is grieving for Arthur, for the fact he is growing up without a mother. And because that is too painful to contemplate, you buried it. You’ve never let it come to the surface, and as long as it is buried, it can’t heal. For you, it’s still an open wound you keep putting a bandage over, hoping that will stem the bleeding.”
I hated to admit it but, fuck me, this guy knew his stuff. I was borderline impressed. “How do I stop it?”
He smiled. “You just made the first step by asking that question. Tonight, when you’re alone in your room, write Caroline a letter. Not for her. Foryou. Put the truth of what happened where it belongs. With Caroline. Believe that truth, and once you do, you’ll be ready to forgive yourself for living your life when Caroline isn’t able to live hers.”
I didn’t answer. No words came to mind. But for the first time in years, the weight on my chest didn’t feel like a life sentence.
Chapter 30
Aspen
Now I’m intrigued.
A chill Decemberwind whipped through my hair. I tightened the scarf around my neck and tugged my hat lower over my ears. The sky overhead threatened snow, the clouds heavy and dark gray. With any luck, I’d make it back to the city without getting stuck in a deluge.
The last six weeks without Joz had been some of the toughest I’d faced, but I’d had to abide by his wishes to stay away. At times, I’d feared I’d get a call from the facility telling me Joz had signed himself out, but he’d stuck the course. He wasn’t better in the sense that an addict was always in recovery, but whatever it took to keep him on the right road, I’d be here, in it for the long haul.
The door to the facility opened, and Joz appeared, thinner and in desperate need of a haircut and a beard trim, but there was a freeness to his body language that hadn’t been there when I’d brought him here back in October. He stood taller, his eyesshone with hope, and for a second or two, we simply stood there staring at each other.
He dropped his case and held out his arms, and I flew across the few feet that separated us and flung myself into his arms.
He kissed the top of my head. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” I leaned back, checking him over. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good. Really good. Slayed some demons.”
I angled my head. “Caroline?”
“Yeah.” He crouched to pick up his bag and slung an arm around my shoulders. “Let’s get out of here and then we can talk.”
“Good idea.”
The snow stayed away on the drive to Manhattan, and we made it back in good time. I parked in the garage beneath my building, and we rode the elevator to the penthouse in silence. I cast a few furtive glances at him. He seemed deep in thought, eyes locked on the floor.
