“Why not?” I looked at her, eyes bleak, but I couldn’t hold her gaze. It was too intimate. Too much of a reminder of what I’d almost had. “It’s fucking true.”
“Pity? That’s what you’re going with? I expected better of you.”
“Yeah? Well, more fucking fool you.” The car stopped at a red light, and I opened the door and jumped out, marching to God fucking knew where. Just not here.
“Joz, wait. For Christ’s sake.” Aspen grabbed my arm, but I shook her off.
“Leave me the fuck alone. Go home, Aspen. Just fucking leave me.”
“Not like this. Let me help you.”
She’d never give up. It wasn’t in her nature. She was a fighter. A strong, independent, fierce, smart-as-fuck woman who would battle to the bitter end, and it would be her undoing—and mine.
“You can’t help me.” I flagged down a cab and threw myself in the back. “Get me the fuck out of here,” I snapped at the driver.
As he drove away, I didn’t look back.
After a few miles, I asked him to pull over. I didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t care. Tugging my hood over my head, I kept my eyes on the ground as I walked and walked, my heart shattered, and my throat full of ash. I lost track of time, of myself, of everything that had happened, yet the only thing I couldn’t shake was the resurgence of guilt and shame being with Aspen had allowed me to quash for a few blissful weeks.
I craved oblivion, and only one thing would give me that.
It didn’t take me long to find what I was looking for. I was an addict until the day I died, and addicts could sniff out a pusher in any town, city, or country. I stuffed a bunch of notes in his hand and left with my bag of powder and a syringe.
The motel owner didn’t pay me any attention as he handed me a key. I made straight for the bathroom and prepared a hit. No second thoughts, no hesitation.
The rush swarmed through my veins like a bush fire; cruel and unstoppable, destroying everything in its path. It was easier to drown than fight. Easier to forget than remember.
The world tilted. I slipped off the edge of the bathtub and slammed into the floor. Aspen’s face appeared like a mirage. I reached out, but she vanished before I could touch her.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled as the dark swallowed me whole.
Chapter 27
Aspen
Just when I thought things couldn’t
get any worse.
Dawn crested,a pale glow creeping underneath the curtains, but the new day didn’t bring fresh hope. It brought despair, fear, and a deep sense of loss.
After Joz climbed into that cab, I’d had my driver follow him, but he’d lost us after a few blocks. We’d driven around for an hour or so, but there’d been no sign of him. I’d run the gauntlet of media waiting outside my apartment building. Somehow, I’d managed not to rage at every single heartless bastard who’d taken a man’s personal thoughts at the worst time in his life and splashed them all over the internet for shits and fucking giggles.
When I eventually found out who broke into Joz’s apartment and stole that diary, I would rain fucking hell down on their heads. Because I would find them. Nothing would stop me until I’d unearthed that vile piece of shit and made them regret the day they were born.
Joz.
My chest ached, and my eyes stung from lack of sleep, but mostly, my heart was broken, because instead of holding onto me, of letting me support him, he’d pushed me away.
Where was he? I picked up my cell from the nightstand. Still no call or text. I briefly scanned the news outlets in case he’d reappeared, but the only news was of the bad variety. I tossed it to one side, wearing hopelessness like a weighted cloak.
I felt so fucking helpless.
I showered and dressed, drank three cups of coffee, and checked my phone another dozen times, even though the ringer was on, and if he did call or message, I’d have heard it.
I’m losing my mind.
I grabbed my coat. Sitting around here doing nothing was driving me crazy. Pacing the streets was a futile exercise, but it felt better than waiting for news that never came.
