She canted her head. “Yes. You do. I know you blame yourself for what Caroline did, but it wasn’t your fault. How could you have known that by breaking off your relationship she’d react with such… painful finality?”
The temptation to tell her I had known—that Caroline had called me and told me she was going to kill herself and I hadn’t believed her—consumed me. If anyone deserved to know the truth it was this incredible woman sitting beside me. But I was too selfish, too afraid of losing her and Arthur to confess.
“I just wish… I wish things were different. Arthur should have his mother. It isn’t fair that he doesn’t.”
“No, it isn’t. But Arthur is happy, Joz. Truly, he is. The school you so kindly pay for is doing wonders for his development. He’s a well-adjusted, cheeky, lively little boy. You play a huge part in that.”
“It’s the least I can do.”
“Few men would’ve done what you have. I mean, Arthur’s actual father bailed once Arthur’s special needs came to light, yet you’ve stuck around all these years. It wasn’t like you and Caroline had been together all that long, but you stepped up when it mattered.”
Six months. That’s how long we’d dated. Six of the most chaotic, toxic, destructive months of my life that had ended in the death of a woman I couldn’t save. If we’d never met, she’d be alive today. Nothing would ever change my mind on that fact. Caroline was a troubled woman, and hooking up with a drug and drink addicted rock star had been the worst decision she could have ever made.
“Exactly. I knew my daughter, Joz, better than anyone. I’d tried many times to persuade her to talk to a counsellor, but she’d always refused. She wasn’t an easy person to be around. Just because she’s no longer with us doesn’t mean we should ignore her faults. She was a flawed human being, like we all are, but Caroline’s troubles ran deep. I don’t believe there is a thing you could have done to save her.”
Wrong.
A confession crowded the back of my throat, but I couldn’t find the words or the courage to admit my part in Caroline’s death.
“It’s time to move on. You can’t live in purgatory forever.”
Wanna bet?
“Out there is a wonderful woman who will make a terrific partner for you, and maybe one day bear your children. You’d make a terrific dad.”
Never gonna happen.
“Yeah.” My voice sounded like gravel. “Maybe.” I glanced at the old-fashioned gold clock on the mantlepiece. “I should go. It’s a two-hour drive back to London.”
“Of course.” She rose to her feet and saw me to the door. “It was wonderful to see you, and I know you made Arthur’s day. You’re always welcome here.”
“Call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
She wouldn’t, but we both accepted the lie. I got in the car and waved, waiting until she closed the door before checking my phone for messages. Whenever I visited Arthur, I left my phone in the car. He deserved my full attention, and my phone was always pinging with something or other.
As expected, there were several messages, but it was one email in particular that caught my attention.
From: Aspen Kingcaid
Subject: Professional Parameters Moving Forward
The cold feeling hit before I even opened it. I read it once, then a second time. Clinical, controlled, perfectly composed. Exactly what I would have expected from Aspen. She’d sent it at nine a.m. Eastern Standard Time.Business hours. Of course she had.
Bitterness tasted like bile at the back of my throat. I’d chased her for weeks, got her right where I wanted her, then left her standing there like an abandoned dog in the rain. Now she was returning my cruelty with cold efficiency; her CEO hat firmly planted on her head.
I deserved it. Didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, though.
I leaned back, head against the seat, and closed my eyes.
Look at me now, Caroline. Still fucking things up.
Sliding my phone into my pocket, I started the engine, reversed out of Kate’s driveway, and set off on the long journey back to London. Guilt, I’d discovered, was a bit like love. There was always room to expand and take on more.
Although, where one filled your chest with joy, the other crammed it full of soot and ashes.
Chapter 17
