“I guess it is.”
“Thank you for coming back, Jasper. I appreciate that,” Dad said when Daddy and I came back into the kitchen.
Daddy had insisted on holding my hand, even though I tried to draw it away. It’s not like my dad didn’t know I was gay—he definitely knew—but it just felt weird to engage in PDA in front of my parent. Daddy, on the other hand, had no such qualms. He firmly kept my hand tucked in his when we stepped inside, then went one step further and draped his arm over my shoulder, hugging me close. There was nothing I could do but hug him back. It was physics.
“I wasn’t gone forever. I just needed to feed the goats and clear my head.”
“I think we both needed to do some head-clearing and maybe have an honest discussion with each other about what happened in that breakup and our perceptions of the situation.”
“Dad, I’m not one of your patients. You can speak normally to me. We’re just having a conversation.”
“Iamspeaking normally to you. I speak this way to everyone,” my dad countered.
Ugh, there wasn’t a real point to that issue. It was just an easy detour to avoid the rest of the conversation. My dad was just formal. It was how he’d always been. He wore a suit to Christmas dinner every single year. He never asked us to dress better than our sweats or cutoffs, but he was going to look proper even if his kids were slobby slobs.
“What is it you think needs to be said?”
My dad sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He suddenly looked older and more tired than he had that morning.
“First, I never want you to think that I don’t think you’re a wonderful human being. I do. You’re the one who keeps the rest of us from being too serious and keeps Gage from going too far. That man would do anything in the world for you. I know I let him get away with too much, but he went too far this morning, and he knows it.”
“Where is he?” I asked, glancing around the kitchen. “Did he go back upstairs?”
“He said he was going to get some air, but I think he went down to the creek.”
“All right, I’ll go talk to him later. And I know Gage loves me. I really, really do, Dad.”
Dad nodded toward Hank and then said, “And yes, we are well aware that you are a little, and it’s absolutely none of my business. I’ve had a few in my practice, and they’ve all been lovely people who just need to escape reality for a brief moment and then come back to their lives. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. I don’t think it makes them anything. It is what it is. Some people golf, some people like to dress up in costumes and play with toys. Whatever worries I have about you making your way in the world, they have nothing to do with you being a little.”
“Then what’s it about?” I asked.
“Jasper, out of all of us, your heart is the most tender. You’re sweet and sassy and funny. You skip through life and make people happy. You makeushappy. If it wasn’t for you, Rowan, and Vaughn, I would forget how to smile, and Gage probably would have ended up in jail if you hadn’t talked him out of whatever schemes he’s planned to execute. You are the glue that holds us all together. We’re all protective of you.”
“Do you mean that? I’ve always felt like the biggest failure because I wasn’t interested in being a doctor or doing whatever it is Vaughn does with numbers.” I stopped and looked around the kitchen, realizing I hadn’t seen Rowan that morning. “Where is Rowan, anyway? He missed all the fun.” I put air quotes around that last bit, and Dad’s lips twitched in the barest hint of a smile.
“He was up all night talking to someone. I ran into him this morning around six, as he was bringing his laptop back upstairs. He said he was going to bed.”
I shrugged and decided I needed to do something with my hands. After washing them, I started working on breakfast again.
“And, there’s another reason.” Dad squirmed uncomfortably on his stool. His forefinger tapped a rhythm on the steel prep table. “You remind me so much of your mom.”
“Really?” I whispered.
“Yes, really. I forced myself to talk about her so you guys would know who she was, but I never talked about who she was in private. She was sweet and sassy and loved playing with stuff her parents said was silly. They had very strict rules about what was appropriate, and she ignored most of them.”
“Was Mom a little?”
“No, I don’t think I’d go that far, but she was one of those people who liked what she liked and didn’t feel the need to apologize for it. You’re like her. Even as you’ve grown, you’ve kept that side of yourself. And I worry you’ll be taken advantage of because of it.”
Dad sat hunched over in his stool, and I couldn’t leave him like that for another moment. I extracted myself from Daddy’s arms and made my way around the table. Immediately, Dad wrapped me in his arms and hugged me close. Neither of us needed to say anything.
Daddy hadn’t interjected or interfered in our conversation. Maybe it was time to open up a little bit to my dad. It would be easier than trying to hide it. I pulled back a little so I could look my dad in the face. I needed him to see how serious I was about Hank and The Lavender Porch.
“Dad, I get why you might have worries about Hank and me. But there’s nothing to worry about. Hank is a genuinely good guy, and he truly wants what’s best for me. If you’ve had littles in your practice, then you know Daddies are supposed to make their lives better. Hank makes my life better.”
“Do you love him?” Dad asked.
“Yes. I love him very much.” I refused to glance at Daddy when I answered. What I’d said earlier was true: my love for him wasn’t going to be based on his for me. They weren’t connected.
