“Daddy, I think we need to hit one other spot.”
“What’s that?”
“How long has it been since you went to a carnival?” he asked, glancing toward the midway. The lights played across his hair and skin, and even if I had wanted to say no, I couldn’t.
I grabbed his hand, wound our fingers with a tug forward, and said, “It’s been too damn long. I don’t even remember the last time.”
His giggle curled around my heart like a brand-new habit I never wanted to break.
I didn’t know if I loved Jasper because I had never been in love before. But he was the first person I texted every morning and the last every night. During the day, I checked in just to hear his voice or see his smile. When I had something to share, he was the first name in my mind. I had started imagining what it would look like if he stayed forever, and no question, being neighborly boyfriends wouldn’t be enough. I wanted mornings with him, nights with him, coffee, baths, play, all of it. If that was love, then maybe I was already there.
But I wasn’t about to declare it in the middle of a carnival with the smell of hamburgers and beer hanging in the air. I needed time to mull it over, the way I always did. Today, though, all I wanted was to make sure Jasper had one hell of a good time on his mini-vacation before heading back to his B&B grind.
We wound our way through the throngs of people heading toward the rides. The airplane ride was big enough that Jasper could climb in, so I let him go. Every time he circled past, he waved enthusiastically, and I watched him like the proud Daddy I was. When he climbed off, still buzzing, he grabbed my hand and dragged me toward my most dreaded attraction.
“Daddy, are you ready to go up?”
“Up on here?” My hands went clammy. I wiped them on my jeans and prayed Jasper wouldn’t notice. “That line is long. You planning on packing a lunch?” Distraction was good.
“Oh, it’s not that long. They can load a ton of people each time. Come on.”
Jasper tugged me into line while I practiced breathing exercises. Every step closer to the front weighed me down. If Jasper wanted to ride, then we were going to ride. If that meant plunging to my death in the actual death trap of this incredibly high Ferris wheel, then I guessed that was what we were going to do.
After fifteen minutes, we were at the front of the line. My heart was pounding hard enough that I thought people could hear it. Jasper kept up a nonstop stream of chatter about the rodeo and how much he was looking forward to the chili contest, even if they wouldn’t have proper green chili like on the West Coast. His talking helped, at least a little, to keep my mind off the impending plunge back to Earth from a million feet in the air.
“Gentlemen, tickets, please.” Jasper handed over a strip with a grin, and the man opened the small metal gate. We slipped into the little cage of a seat. Jasper, bless him, thought it was funny to rock it. Each sway sent my anxiety higher. I wiped my hands on my jeans again, but this time Jasper noticed.
“Daddy, are you okay?” He caught my hand, then pressed the back of his palm to my forehead. “You don’t feel hot, but you’re sweaty. Are you getting sick?”
I tried to focus on his words, but all I could think about was how high we were climbing and how I was about to plunge to my death in this rickety carnival Ferris wheel. Nobody wanted a Daddy who was scared of heights. Nobody wanted a Daddy who was practically hyperventilating in a cheap metal bucket.
“I just don’t like heights, sugar,” I said as evenly as I could. My shallow breathing betrayed me. It felt like my heart might stop altogether. This wasn’t how I wanted to go. I hadn’t even figured out if I loved Jasper, and if I died on this Ferris wheel, I never would.
“Daddy, why didn’t you tell me you’re scared of heights?”
“I’m not scared of heights,” I stammered. “I just don’t like them.”
“How is that different?” Jasper asked carefully.
“I have no idea, but it’s the lie I tell myself,” I whispered. At that exact second, the Ferris wheel started to move, and my stomach dropped out. My fate was sealed. I was about to die right here at the Saddle Up Stock Show and Rodeo. My parents would be sad. Faust and Bert would be sadder. And Jasper would be left without a Daddy. A tragedy all around.
“You didn’t say anything!” Jasper exclaimed as we both looked down at my white-knuckled grip on the seat. I couldn’t find my voice, so I managed a shaky nod. “Daddy, it’s okay. I’m here.” His voice was calm, more steady than I had ever heard it. “Here, I’m going to put my hand right here.” He laid his hand over mine. “Now just listen to me.”
And I did.
Jasper talked about everything he could think of, from the weather to silly stories about his brothers growing up. As long as I kept my focus on his voice, I didn’t have to think about how far off the ground we were or what my body would look like when it came crashing back down. His slow, steady voice filled the small enclosure, drowning everything else out. What had first felt like dangerous rocking began to feel like a gentle sway in the wind.
The entire time, my hand never left his. His touch grounded me to the bench. At some point, I managed to loosen my white-knuckle grip and actually hold his hand instead. I know I squeezed too hard, but Jasper never complained. He only squeezed back just as firmly and let me breathe through it.
It might have been hours or maybe only ten minutes, but eventually, we were back on the ground. The attendant opened the door, and I stumbled out into the light. Jasper still held my hand, fingers tangled tight. My breathing was easier now, though still rough. I made it to the fence line and leaned against it to steady myself. Jasper stood in front of me, close enough that our chests brushed with each breath. One of his hands stayed in mine while the other stroked across my chest until I calmed down.
“Daddy,” he said softly. “You went up even though you didn’t want to, and you survived. I am so proud of you.”
“Sugar, the only reason I didn’t have a full panic attack was because you were there.” My voice was rough. “But I don’t think I want to do it again anytime soon.”
“Promise, Daddy, from now on, we’ll keep our feet on the ground.”
“Just because I don’t like heights doesn’t mean you can’t. If you want to ride, I’ll wait for you. Don’t worry about me.”
