Yup, I think I won this hand. Total champion.
3
PIPPA
Cat
You’ve officially lived with Ryan for 24 hours. I hope you’re both still breathing?
Ahigh-pitched giggle vibrates through the wall. Somehow Ryan found another hookup to bring home tonight. She’s been laughing like a hyena for the last hour, managing to be loud enough that I can hear it at the other end of the apartment.
Pippa
I haven’t killed him yet. No promises about the future.
I stare at the laptop on the bed in front of me, rereading the last sentence I wrote for the fifteenth time, but the words blur into meaningless black squiggles. I huff out a breath. I would have been done writing this article an hour ago if not for Ryan’s insanely loud houseguest. Every time I manage to focus on the words on the screen, she laughs again and breaks my concentration.
Ugh. I shouldn’t even be working right now. My hangover is still lingering from the party last night, making me feel sluggish and irritable. I never would have drunk so much if I had any writing to do.
Unfortunately, my editor, Ingrid, called me this afternoon demanding a last-minute filler article before the next issue goes to print. The writer who was supposed to be working on8 Rules for Moving In Togethergot let go, leaving me to pick up the slack, even though I know nothing about the subject. The only guy I’ve ever lived with is Ryan, who I’m obviously not dating.
Of course, like any good writer, I did my research. I called all my friends in relationships to grill them about everything that went wrong when they moved in together. Then, I spent an hour or two on Reddit and TikTok, compiling horror stories and emailing the creators to ask about quoting them. Thankfully, one of the psychologists I use as a source was able to provide me with some additional background. I copy and paste one of her quotes into my document and review it.
7. Set Strong Ground Rules From The Start.
“Ideally, you’ll get on the same page about chores and cleanliness from the beginning,” psychologist Ariel Fu advises. “You might find out that one partner’s idea of cleaning the bathroom might be wiping it down once a week, while the other thinks it should be scrubbed daily. It’s better to set clear rules from the beginning than to expect things to work out on their own.”
Couples often regret not setting ground rules about chores, houseguests, noise?—
“That’s hilarious!” the woman shrieks.
My teeth grind together so hard, my jaw hurts. Ryan isn’t funny, so obviously she’s just playing up the laughs to get him in bed. That’s the real joke—all she has to do is pull him into thebedroom. All the flirting and giggling is as pointless as a vestigial tail.
The worst part is that, technically, Ryan isn’t violating any house rules. She’s not making any sex noises—she’s just giggling.
Louder than any human has ever giggled in the history of womankind.
I flop back down on the bed. My brain hurts, and my stomach feels all twisted. I don’t have a problem with this girl—hell, I haven’t even seen her—but I hate that she’s here.Whydid Ryan have to go pick up another girl? He can’t be so chronically sex-starved that he passes out if he doesn’t get some every twenty-four hours.
My stomach twists again, and it feels a heck of a lot like jealousy. Not of Ryan—ew.But I haven’t had a guy to bring home for a while now. I can’t even backslide and text my last casual hookup, because he found a girlfriend, even after swearing up and down he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
The girl gigglesagain, and I swear she’s doing it on purpose. Ryan must know that her laughs are breaking the sound barrier, but he’s not asking her to tone it down, even though it’s almost midnight. He mustlovethat he gets to torture me like this. I swear, he has a mental age of eight.
Frustrated, I pound my fingers into the keyboard, spewing it all out on the page.
8.Check His ID.
Is your boyfriend inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious, and mind-numbingly annoying? If so, you might want to peek in his wallet and make sure he’s the age he claims to be. You might have accidentally moved in with a manchild. If he thinks a coffee table is just a display case for his crumpled up empty cans, or that he doesn’t need to shower after lifting weightsbecause “women crave a natural musk,” if he’s never made his bed without his mom explicitly asking him to, he might not have emotionally progressed past the seventh grade. Break up with him before he breaks your soul. You deserve better than to settle for some loser who only knows where the clit is from when he watches lesbian porn.
When I’m done,I let out a breath. My body feels a little less tense now that I’ve put all the tension in my head into words.
Except those words aren’t about moving in with your boyfriend. They’re about my new roommate, and how living with him totally sucks. In fact, now that I reread it, I obviously wrote the whole article with Ryan in mind.“Don’t let him put down your job. Don’t accept living in a trash heap. Ask yourself if the annoyance is worth it.”It reads less like advice about moving in with someone and more a list of my stepbrother’s red flags.
I groan. I have two choices. Either I try to rewrite the whole article, or I change the subject. Maybe I’m wrong, but my gut tells me that I wrote this for a reason.
My fingers fly over the keyboard as I make the changes. There are really only a few words I need to shift, and within twenty minutes, I have an article ready. Not the one I was assigned to write, exactly, but it’s finished.
I change the title to8 Signs You’ve Moved In With A Manchildand email it over to Ingrid before I can think better of it. I might not have followed the assignment, but writing hasn’t felt that easy and natural for a long time. Wherever made me put my frustration with Ryan on the page, it feels right somehow.
